Emo Penny lives!

Today a client actually said to me , "You've made so much work for me to do next week."

Blame is the easiest game to play for some people in the world. It's so easy for them to put responsibility on others instead of themselves. Do I feel mad or upset? Not really, my client is also trying to organize her wedding next week. She's so stressed out, she almost cried. Do I feel guilty? Not at all. This Sunday I leave for my first real vacation in two years. I didn't plan these two events intentionally, it just happened to be when everyone else in my group was going. But the collision has potential to be traumatic.

What I didn't remind my client was that she was the one who wanted a business. She has set up her own business model with little room for flexibility or horizontal mobility. Her worth is determined by how much she micro-manages everyone else. I warned her, nearly two months ago, that I was leaving on vacation; her preparation for this time has been poor. For a minute I thought she actually wanted me to cancel my vacation; but in reality, she wanted someone to lay her stress on. In the past, it would have been easy to bear other's guilt. These days, to take care of the soul, others can just take their own stuff, I don't need it.

It's hard to not let things like this get to you. Mistakes hit me particularly hard; failure means something much deeper than just not achieving a specific goal - they mean that I'm a bad person. My current frustrations come from the fact that my personal expectations for the quality of my work means a lot. Maybe forgiving others also includes forgiving yourself for any sort of shortcomings.

I had dinner recently with my executive producer who told me, "Don't try to think of a specific job that you'd want to do. Think of the things you like to do - what makes you get up in the morning and then go from there."

So what makes you get up in the morning? What motivates you? Moves you? Scares you or defeats you?

Oh..and my computer is broken. Not cool. Instead, I have to think like a 16 year old again...one who is insanely talented maybe, but still a 16 year old. :)