Because the interwebs can't stop a determined writer. Or someone who has a little too much time on her hands.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Consciously conscious


You know, I had a thought today. What if God is a collective consciousness?

That when people say, "See the God in other people." they mean it literally. That God isn't this big dude up in the sky with a long white beard, zapping people with his fingers. But that the only god that we have, is in ourselves and what we recognize in other people. That we have the ability to influence everything that happens on this earth, but it's only in our consciousness. That's what god is.
God is recycling, eating and growing organic foods and being kind to others. God is signalling while driving or not driving at all, picking up after ourselves, not judging, walking on the beach, laughing, dancing and feeling. God is moderation-saving some for the others who will come. It is sharing the last bite, holding hands and singing. Helping others find their way or their perfect shoe. Recognizing the brillance of children or saving a life. Doing things together; like hiking, building houses, or opening that gorgeous soprano. Playing music. Connecting with others-finding out that our differences aren't really differences at all, they're the same thing just another angle. Deciding to share your life with a loved one. That's why ceremonies like marriages, baptisms, rituals, new years are so important to the human experience. We are sharing god with one another.

And yet, these days our god is burning oil fields, human slavery and genocide, drug abuse. It is shopping at the mall for instant gratification, endless internet, doubt, hate, gossip. Our gods are judgement, jealousy, neglect. Hacking is more important than helping. Selfishness and self-gratification more important than family or our loved ones. Hummers, purses, moving on up and stepping on anyone who gets in your way. Taking advantage of kind people. Being ungrateful, suspicious, stuck up and arrogant. Science versus religion, where people need to realize we live in a symbiotic world. Karma IS a bitch. Cut yourself off from others and risk the destruction of the world. Our gods are screaming and throwing the finger, irritation with the elderly, cutting in line, selling and making food with hate, or worse, apathy. And yet, this is god too.

Yeah, it's pretty fricking scary. To think that we, as a single being (no, that's not a typo), can be responsible for the future of the rest of the 8.3 billion people on this earth. And we can say, no no, other people are autonomous of me; they're not going to determine my god. But unless you own an island - and even then, think about pollution, ships, books, the rate of world globalization...you are going to come into contact with people at some point, and affect them. Wouldn't it be better to be present and conscious to that fact?

My friend Alex used to do something sort of wacky at toll booths. After paying, the toll taker would often say 'thank you' or 'here you go' and Alex would respond with, 'go with god'. See, 'go with god' is the literal translation of, 'adios' or 'adieu'. It made me giggle, to think about our friend just dropping it casually into conversation with a complete stranger. But these days, it seems like a helpful and cognizant reminder, to see the possibilities out there that exist. Good and evil. A blessing and a warning. That we have the ability to change lives in whatever way we want to. That we have to act in the way that we would want our god to act.

Adieu, go with god my friends.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

So much better!

OH.MY.GOD.(you guys)
Watch Seth Rudetsky's Video Blogs for the 'Legally Blonde-the Search for Elle Woods' reality show!
WHY did I miss these?!They are bitchy, amazingly, QUEENTASTIC. Snarky, in the way only a gay Broadway voice coach can deliver. WITH actual vocal tips and technique analysis. And very, very proper grammar. Redundantly redundant? My nails are wet and I need a sports bra?Brilliant! Move over Kathy Griffin, Seth has ARRIVED.

(ok, note: the vlogs are a bitch and a half to get to. Damn you MTV. You need to scroll through the entire blog to see all of them, but they are SO worth it.)



I am...so gay. And lovin' it.

Monday, July 28, 2008

And when I come to call, she won't forsake me

Go ahead
Cry your tears baby
Let me hold you in my arms
The pain is cutting deep
But let the darkness seep
Out of your veins
Before it gets the best of you

It isn't what you wanted
And it isn't how you planned
He said he'd love you always
But now you're searching for his hand

This is as hard as it gets
I promise
I know cause I've been there before

The girl on the other side of the screen
Hear my voice echo your scream
Scan your jagged edges
Sleep won't come til later
But hold on darling
Let the tears close your eyes
And the throat sing your cries

To the girl on the other side of the screen
This is as hard as it gets
I promise
I know cause I've been you before

I want to hold her and tell her everything will be alright. That she WILL love again-that there are probably 10 people out there that are completely hers, all hers. There will be a point where she actually has to chose between them, or not at all, because they will be swamping her with pleas of affection. She will be wanted, cherished, loved for who she is and what she will be. That she will walk into a room and a good man's heart will stop at the sight of her. That getting older does mean getting wiser, nominally. That right now, she thinks that he is THE ONE, and he may be a soul mate, but sometimes, the purpose of soul mates is to change your life and then move on. That it sucks-totally, unequivocally, absolutely sucks. Love hurts, it rips at every little part of your heart that you've tried to protect or hide or save, but if it was true love-she will have exposed all of it. Love wouldn't have accepted any less. And that it can take a long time to heal. That he will, undoubtably, do something retarded in the future like refer to her as a, 'good friend', forget the movie they saw on their first date or try to get her to go on a double date with a friend of his.
I want to take her to eat cupcakes and see weepy chick flicks. To run on the beach and fly kites at Tomales Bay. To help her pick out a new puppy or go on a freedom trip to someplace fabulous like Bali. Take a kickboxing class together. To get her a journal. To tell her that change is good. Anger is good. Forgiveness is good. Distance and detachment is necessary to get from one perspective to another. That she is doing more by exposing herself than he is in representing her. That her insight and purity touches my soul. That in another world, we'd be dorky rocker chick girlfriends together.
But I won't ever get the chance.
I'm just the girl on the other side of the screen.
I'm sorry C.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Great big stuff.

Cool shit that I have done this weekend:

-Octavia on Friday night. Did a duet with J. (Robbie Williams' 'Angels'), since Big Momma's been asking us to. Not as scary as I thought it was going to be. There's a separation that I put between professional and personal, mainly because when I have to be professional, there isn't often room for niceties. You have to be cut and dry. And in my personal life, I consider it key to be kind and gentle. Still, it's a nice start.

-Walked alone on Ocean Beach for an hour and roughly 1-1/2 miles, since I parked in the 'surfer's ' parking lot on Sloat and not the more pedestrian friendly lot on Judah. In the gorgeous, rare as hell, San Francisco summer weather. Truly astonishing and peaceful. Fished up a rock that was both red and green.

-Finally, FINALLY, bought a new duvet cover from my voice teacher. It is gold raw silk with art nouveau looking embroidery and applique. Exactly what I've been looking for. At about 1/4 the price I would have had to pay for it regularly. I will now have an adult looking bedroom instead of a bed that looks like it belongs to a 12 year old. I DO have to get the cover and shams dry cleaned though.

-Did Clownbible with T-Labs at the SF Theaterfest! Whoo hoo-all that extra rehearsal paid off! At the HUGE Forum space. Such fantastic acoustics in there. Yerba Buena also has one of the nicest, most professional and helpful staffs ever. And for the first show of the morning - 11:20, we had about 50 to 60 people who loved the pieces we did. After all, who doesn't like a clown car vagina birth before lunch? I can literally say that I was the first performer of the day. Great big stuff! Afterwards ran into ROLT, past T-Labs performers, my high school math teacher and Winston2. Also saw Lunatique Fantastique which was, bar none, amazing.

-Chilled with J. at Philz. I read and wrote and he played guitar. He made fun of my purple Crocs and my gold striped pants. I made fun of his pairing of a plaid button-down with a horizontally striped sweater. We've called it a draw.

-Got a notice for ANOTHER wedding. That will make the 5th one this year. Congrats to Bratz and her lady tho'-they'll be out in the fall to celebrate.

That's a good weekend.

fear of flying

From the Paul Coelho blog :

Dear readers,

I’m back from Milan and on Thursday I had a conference at the Teatro Dal Verme with the mathematician Michael Atiyah. This very important mathematician made a very interesting speech in which he mentions the bumblebee. Indeed, according to the laws of aerodynamics and of physics, the bumblebee should not fly. Yet, as Sir Michael Atyiah said :

“the bumblebee flies because it doesn’t know about the technicalities of aerodynamics.”


That leads us to the question of the week:
How many things we don’t do in life because we think beforehand that they are impossible? Like everybody says that the bumblebee is incapable of flying?

Friday, July 25, 2008

Indeed.

From SFtoNY's Yelp Page:

"Sex and cookies." That's my friend, explaining his solution to world peace. The way he sees it, if people would have more sex they wouldn't be so uptight.

"OK, so why cookies?" I ask.

"If the sex doesn't work, give them a cookie. Who doesn't like cookies?"

Six?

"While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles. Now, while doing this draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction and there's nothing you can do about it." via evadanielle.

goddammit.

“ You are always a worthwhile, valuable human being - not because anybody says so, not because you are successful, not because you make a lot of money- but because you decide to believe it and for no other reason." — Wayne Dyer

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Pink bakery bag battle axes!


Jeezus. This article on SFist made me laugh then cringe.
As a firm advocate of the aisle seat, there are several reasons I prefer sitting on the aisle that have nothing to do with my ethnic
background - which doesn't mean that I don't often take the window seat, but quite honestly...
a) Men who take the empty aisle seat have a tendency to sit with their legs WIDE open. Taking up way more than their alotted space bubble and often nudging over to the inside seat. I know it must be hard to sit with balls, but some decorum, please! Respect the space of others and stop being such selfish asses.
b) As a young, petite, solemn looking female - I have been accosted by people sitting on the aisle seat trying to take advantage of my perceived naivete- mostly on BART which I find weird, since I consider it a safer mode of transportation than MUNI. Waking up to find some else's hand on your ass is enough of a disturbing situation to make me not want to be trapped by the jerk sitting on the aisle seat. At least if I'm on the aisle, I can move sooner than later.
c) If I am getting off the bus/train soon, doesn't it make more sense than for me to sit on the aisle than to have to inconvenience the person sitting next to me? The other day, I had to literally wake someone up. And NO, I do not just brush my legs past theirs, I actually make them twist and put their seat out in the aisle. I'm sorry, that's just good manners.
d) if the train is empty, why the fuck do you need to be sitting next to me? If the train starts to get crowded, I will strategically move to the interior seat, usually when a female or obviously gay man is walking by. I don't need to move over for people who are going to be in the a or b categories above
e) People in SF often don't bathe or overcompensate for BO wearing too much cologne. 'Nuff said.
f) Yeah, sometimes I do want to put my bag/purse on the seat next to me. You can ALWAYS ask me to sit there. I will move my shit for you. So ask already!

What I learned from the article and adjoining comments? San Franciscans are racists. I've seen plenty of other people than Asians taking the aisle seat and looking like assholes about it. From the photo, I'll bet the woman has been taken advantage of more than once and is just on the defensive about it. Pink bakery bag battle axes! ATTACK!

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Family portrait


Oh kids. Sometimes they are lovely angels. Sometimes they just want to make your life a living hell. Exhibit A: my cousins' kids at the wedding on Saturday.

On the far left is Lukachan: she is actually the sweetest of the bunch. She and I are pretty bonded-but I blame the bad influence of the devil spawn (kidding! sort of). In the middle: the Holy Terror - he's also the one running around proclaiming that at all of four years old he already has a boyfriend. Refusing to sit still and taking stage dives off the 6 inch riser where the head table was. Thank god he lives in Hong Kong. To the right is his sister - Sassomatic. She nearly outed the Germ's new body art to my parents. (Uh...which I guess I am doing for all three of my readers right now) Thus concludes the family analysis for the day.

I mean, I really like my family, I really do, but only on a rental basis sometimes.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Fundamental?


'It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. " Neil Gaiman/Terry Pratchett, 'Good Omens'

A
fter rehearsal today, walked from Van Ness back up Market to the Castro. It was a nice easy walk. At 12 in the afternoon, the homeless people aren't as belligerent and the weather, for once was nice. With an iPod pumping in your ear, lots of things are easy to ignore. Smell, unfortunately, is not one of them-but beyond that, makes for a fairly pleasant stroll. A nice penultimate moment to the end of a productive 5 day weekend.

Have started reading this: Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett

It's an interesting and slightly scathing review of an impending apocalypse. I wanted to read some Gaiman since I feel like another movie of his work is probably impending. I still haven't watched 'Stardust' but it looks good. For some reason, have become v. interested in Biblical analysis lately.

Sorry about being so obtuse, brain not functioning properly.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

hurry up and wait.

I am thoroughly sure I want to be invested in having my experiences
Not analyzing them.
Someone please tell that part of my brain to shut up.

Too alarming now to talk about
Take those pictures down and shake it out

Truth or consequence, say it aloud

Use that evidence, race it around


There goes my hero

Watch him as he goes

There goes my hero
He's ordinary

Don't the best of them bleed it out
While the rest of them peter out

Truth or consequence, say it aloud

Use that evidence, race it around


There goes my hero

Watch him as he goes

There goes my hero

He's ordinary


Kudos my hero leaving all the mess

You know my hero, the one that's on


There goes my hero

Watch him as he goes

There goes my hero

He's ordinary
-'My Hero' Foo Fighters

Theater auditions can be strange sometimes. Hell, life can be strange sometimes. (Trying to keep it all in perspective.) So far, it's been a slightly busy weekend and I heard a term used today, "Hurry up and wait" that made it all sort of make sense. See, auditions are like that. You are supposed to show up at a certain time, not knowing if there are going to be 5 or 50 of you and then you sit around and wait to be called. So if you don't show up on time, you're the asshole. But if production makes you wait for 4 hours and then doesn't even see you-then well, that's THEATER.

It was slightly worse yesterday when production didn't have us sing anything they asked us to prepare. WTF ROLT? At least my hair was cute. And then there was the infernal waiting. A nine am dance call-while sucky, is not so bad if you know the pecking order of things. You can go and get coffee or warm up or eat...but nope. We were all stuck in audition limbo-not knowing who and what was going to go next.

In a way, I feel like so many of our lives are like that. We rush to get to the DMV or doctor's office or some greater institutionalized organization at the earliest time possible-to get a premium spot in line but are then made to wait even further by the constraints of a limited commodity. We rush through our adolescence, then college to get to work. Why? You have your whole life to work-at least have fun doing it. I am at a point where I am trying to live my life, be in the experience, be present etc. (I sound like Bai Ling-jeezus)

and I'm waiting.

Waiting on the world to change? (et tu J. Mayer) Hurrying to wait. For what I'm not sure. But all the blood rushes to my head and the veins pulse with anticipation. To hit a wall called participation. Maybe I'll be a sparrow in my next life - fully detached from the thing humans call life. Make up your mind, baby. Make up your mind. Make up your mind. Make up you're mine. Make up you're mine baby.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Go Pinoy, go Pinoy, GO!



I know I'm not the first person to post this by any means-I'm about 8 months late (been under a rock or something) . But I am so TICKLED! Arnel Pineda is the 40 year old new lead singer of Journey. After the band's public ousting and mutual if somewhat disgruntled departure of Steve Perry, Pineda was found off of YouTube. Like 'Rock Star' but way freakin' cheaper. And judging by Pineda's voice - just as successful.

GET IT PINOY! GET IT!! YEAH!

*scat*

It's been a long time since I posted song lyrics, but it's really hard not to like the hoppy-poppy stylings of Jason Mraz...

cause really, who doesn't like them some jazz-scatting every now and then?

Well, you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks, now I'm tryin to get back
before the cool done run out I'll be givin it my best test
and nothin's gonna stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

But I won't hesitate no more,
no more, it cannot wait
I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
open up your plans and damn you're free
look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing
We're just one big family
And it's our godforsaken right to be loved loved loved loved loved

So, i won't hesitate no more,
no more, it cannot wait i'm sure
there's no need to complicate our time is short
this is our fate
I'm yours *scat*

I've been spendin' way too long checkin' my tongue in the mirror
and bendin' over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
and so I drew a new face and I laughed
I guess what I'd be sayin' is there ain't no better reason
to rid yourself of vanities and just go with the seasons
it's what we aim to do
our name is our virtue

But I won't hesitate no more,
no more it cannot wait
I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
open up your plans and damn you're free
look into your heart and you will find that the sky is yours

so please don't, please don't, please don't,
there's no need to complicate,
Cause our time is short
This, this, this is our fate,
I'm yours

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Churn?



I know I'm not supposed to think this is FUNNY, per se.
But it's very truthful in its own way.
And furckin' hilarious. (via Jezebel.com)

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Today is gonna be the day when they're gonna throw it back to you

“ Whatever it is, if it doesn’t make you happy, walk away, give it away to someone else who wants it. Let it be their next dream; let it flee from you. You’re emptying out your limitations when you do that. Then you have room to grow, to allow magnificent things to fill the vacuum of those seemingly empty places. When you hold onto yesterday, when you hold onto dead and dying adventures, you have no room in your box for greatness."Ramtha

I am here when you're ready. (and he calls...)

Monday, July 14, 2008

Y-E-L-L

Today's entry (and quotes) inspired by JennyJennJen's tumblr blog which I CANNOT stop reading. It's making that sleepy part of my brain all awake.

"There’s always a moment when you start to fall out of love, whether it’s with a person or an idea or a cause, even if it’s one you only narrate to yourself years after the event: a tiny thing, a wrong word, a false note, which means that things can never be quite the same again." —Douglas Adams via the ch!cktionary

I'd like to say it isn't so-but it sort of is. There will never be a time where the inner gears of life won't and don't change-by definition that's what time is. The dictionary should just equate change and time. And since none of us, currently, can stop or manipulate time (that we know of)-change for the better or worse or just different is bound to happen. Conversely, though-it offers up space for things just as wonderful and more magical to happen. Take Rawbean for example. I've known her since we were 12. Friends in high school, roomates in college-we've evolved in ways that are more and more interesting to me every year. And even though we have diversely opposite schedules and only occasionally intersecting interests; she continues to improve my opinion of her all the time.

Take for example, our girly outing to see, 'Sex and the City' A packed house, nary a seat between well dressed, finely shod fashionistas-Fendi baguette a LV Speedy. And during a completely critical moment-a vital scene between Carrie and Big, some fluffhead's cell phone goes off. So loudly that I start to wonder if it's part of the movie itself. It finally stops and all 300 of us breathe a collective sigh of relief. Then it goes off AGAIN. Any woman worth her weight in Manolos KNOWS that you do not mess with 300 odd women and gay men trying to enjoy what they may consider to be the cultural event of the decade-the return of LaBradshaw to the silver screen. I grumble to Joolie who is sitting next to me, but continue to wait until the embarrassed or airheaded provocateur turns the phone off. Not Rawbean who sits up and projects in her best, I-work-with-small-children-and-I-can-talk-louder-than-all-of-them voice:

"You need to turn your phone off."

Just like that. Simple. Authoritative. Declarative.I literally leaned over to Joolie and said, "I love Rawbean. Awesome."

“ There are two ways to look at life. The first view is that nothing stays the same and that nothing is inherently connected, and that the only driving force in anyone’s life is entropy. The second is that everything pretty much stays the same (more or less) and that everything is completely connected, even if we don’t realize it."
— Chuck Klosterman, Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs.

Maybe the people in your life will disappoint you. Maybe you'll fall out of love or get past that honeymoon period or just start to lose interest. But maybe, just maybe - your friends and lovers and relatives will surprise you. And they'll do something that'll make you a) remember why you care about them and b) will make you care about them more.

I am in love with my friends and I don't give two shits who knows.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

And in this moment, I am happy.

At a cafe
Round the corner
We sit at the table
And don't say a word

It's a slow afternoon
Scribbling, flowers and
Holding hands
And drinking our coffee

Chocolate for him
Mint coffee for me
It's a quiet afternoon
And I love it

Contentment to have someone to just BE with.
Spending time
With a guy round the corner.

Take a chance on me...


"Hey, I put some new shoes on
And suddenly everything is right

I said, hey, I put some new shoes on

And everybody's smiling, it's so inviting"

-New Shoes by Paolo Nutini



Rarely do I post my shopping images. Partially because I'm quite anxious and paranoid about revealing my purchasing habits, but also because I don't often think they're that spectacular. But today, today was different. Look at these beauties!

I am totally enamored of my new heels.

Ok, yes, they are lace up, knee-high, patent leather, platform boots. The kind that are usually associated with slightly seedier professions. But, as LilMermaid said, every girl wants an excuse to buy these kinds of shoes. And why not?! They're hot. I truly adore them. And look how normal they seem under pants! The platform is pretty extreme, but under a long pair of pants. They just seem like-you know-normal boots.


And if you must know, they were purchased for an upcoming callback for the Rocky Horror Picture Show. LilMermaid found them as we were shopping around Berkeley today-she grabbed them up and promptly ushered me to the dressing room to try them on. Putting them on, listening to the squeak and sound of the patent leather, zipping them up the side of my calf and finally standing-well, felt like that opening scene in Pretty Woman. Sexy and slightly naughty and definitely dirty. These shiny, chunky shoes changed my posture and my attitude-I was ready to kick some ass in these shoes. I just want to wear them around my room. Bonus? They were on clearance for TWENTY BUCKS. So...

LESSON #1: SHOES ARE AWESOME.

But the main reason I wanted to write this entry today was to talk about LilMermaid. I spent the night at her place helping her watch over her menagerie of animals whose newest member, BatBoy is a 4 month old 1/2 papillion 1/2 mini Alaskan husky mix. This may possibly be the cutest dog alive. Because he's so little and hasn't had all his shots yet, BatBoy has to stay in his puppy bag quite a lot. LilMermaid feels bad about it, but there's nothing she can do. She has to be able to bring him places and to compensate, bought him a pretty rockin' puppy bag. (see photo at right)

I mean, it's got rock and roll embossed leather, purple leopard print fur interior, and embroidered peace sign. Still, when you're a dog, you sort of don't care how cool your bag is, a bag is a bag. So feeling bad when were were cruising stores-LM felt the need to let her little guy out. At the last store, the manager was a gothic poster child. Long black hair, white make up, black eye liner flourishes, long fingernails, black trench and quasi victoriana gear (did I mention that we were in Hot Topic? Yeah, this actually happened). But, he did not AT ALL have the disposition to match. Far from being surly or complacent, he was sweet as pie and asked to hold BatBoy. And also let LM walk around the store with him out of the bag.

To her credit, LM was nothing short of an adoring owner totally, and without any reservation, handing BatBoy over to GothDude. And I love her for it. I've told her a bunch of times, she has an old soul. She can read people right away and know if they are good cookies or not.

Everyone you meet in your life - even total strangers - are already intimately connected to you. The idea that we are all separate and distinct beings is nothing but an illusion. We are all parts of a larger whole, like individual cells in a body. (…) When you look at other people, you’re really looking at yourself.
– Steve Pavlina

I respect the fearlessness and lack of prejudice LM had in handing over her sweet angel of a puppy over to a man who looked like he might eat him. I wouldn't have had the same gumption, I hope that I will one of these days. As we were leaving (so yes, the shoes are from Hot Topic-deal with it), the GothDude asked if he could hold BatBoy one last time. And as he did so, gave BatBoy a blessing; to give LM at least 30 years and health and happiness. That is probably one of the sweetest spontaneous things I've ever seen someone do.

And it just goes to show-we're not all that different. We are all the same being, just in different packaging. 99.99% of humans are the same and it's that .01% that keeps us apart. Celebrate our singularity today, and take a chance on someone you may have preconceived notions about.

LESSON #2: LilMermaid IS AWESOME.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Weekend.



From Wordle.com-a great site for word collages.

Have a great weekend everyone. I've had a restful, fatty (read burger) Friday and am off to see my friend in a free preview of her show. Then I get to go see some cute. And sing a little.
Peace.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

It only takes a moment...


“The heart has its reason of which reason knows nothing”

I only say this after seeing (the amazing) Wall-E last night; which as Kevin Smith says, "It’s the ballsiest animated film ever made (right up there with “Persepolis”, in terms of untraditional cartoons), yet it’ll melt your heart."
But it's time.
Time to start relieving myself of the things I think I want or need, to the things that I truly love. Time to stop trying to be who I'm not to being who I am. The first step is relieving myself of excessive stuff. I didn't want to come to work this morning. After watching a movie where I was APATHETIC to the state of people living in laz-e-boys and drinking all their meals out of a cup, I found myself more appalled at my indifference than the actual Pixar-vision of the future.

I do work at a job where I sit on my ass all day.
For the last two weeks, I have driven to work in order to get more time to sleep.

I am by no means the worst of the lot, but I'm certainly not the best. And most of it is because I'm not necessarily living within my means. My means not only indicates my income, but also my immediate surroundings-my space. I buy more material goods than I can house comfortably. My body functions better with fresh veggies, lean proteins and whole grains - but I can choose to saturate it with fats and sugars and LOOK! I'm doing it right now (chicken parm...mmm)

I continue certain relationships to gain certain goals. But when do the negatives start to outweigh the benefits? Dinner with J. last night, where I revelled in the first time to the reason why we can have so many friends but not as many lovers. Friends have such a broad spectrum of defining characteristics and what role they fulfill. Friends you go shopping with, friends you discuss finance with, travelling friends, fair-weather friends, theater friends, high-school friends, friends you only keep around for sentimental value etc. And I think it goes without saying, that the more time you spend with a friend-the more they had better fulfill your needs spiritually, emotionally, intellectually etc. Because why would you spend THAT much time with someone if they weren't interesting to you.

I think I know why guys have that whole, "hit it and quit it" philosophy now.

But lovers, people in a relationship, share intimacy. A depth of understanding that goes beyond others around them. That you can't find just arbitrarily. It's true that fate brings us what we are meant to have. And we can choose to have what we have or not. But the more time you spend with someone, the more inner squishy Cadbury egg self that you share-well, the more you'd better GET each other, otherwise, why do it at all?

So if you don't love it, why have it at all?
(X. just called me, he's tooling around Walnut Creek, the irony)

Closing Cycles - by Paulo Coelho
One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters ... whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished...
None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot forever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back. Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.
That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts ... and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place. Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.
Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the ...ideal moment.... Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person ... nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.
Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life.
Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.


Wall-E was awesome. Two thumbs up. Amazing seamless animation, truthful, honest storytelling. Go now.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Doh.

A recent conversation between me and Apple:

P: Hey dude! How's Santa Barbara?
A: I'm at the hospital.
P: WHAT?! What happened?
A: In the dark. Because the power's out.
P: What?!
A: And I've been waiting for an x-ray for an hour...
P: What? What did you break?!
A: my pinkie.
P:....your pinkie.
A: Yes. And the power is out, so I'm waiting for the doctor...in the dark.
P: You're supposed to be at OPERA CAMP. How did you break your pinkie at OPERA CAMP!?

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Wisdom of the Wave

Wisdom of the Wave-Laird Hamilton

1) Know that you are a speck on the water
The ocean's vastness reminds you of your insignificance. It's like a grounder. The ocean has been around long before people got here and will be here long after. The humility you learn from being in the ocean is a constant reminder of your vulnerability.

2) Go big or go home
You can't kind of catch a wave. You either catch it or you don't. It's a commitment. That's just like anything else-you either go or you don't. He who hesitates is lost in the end.

3) List to your gut
You have a feeling about things. You think something doesn't feel right, then you look and see a shark. As a species, humans are growing away from listening to their instinct. It's a learned skill based on survival and then reacting. The more you listen to your instinct and then react to it, the more you awaken the spirit, and that helps you make good decisions, no matter where you are.

4) Understand you're NOT in control
Being a human, you want to think you can control circumstances. It's cold, so you turn on the heat; you're hot, so you turn on the air conditioning. The ocean reminds you that you really don't have any control: It's in control when you're in it. The sooner you embrace that, the easier it will be in other aspects of your life.

5) Get wet
The ocean is a healer; big-time. We just don't have any idea of the magnitude of what the ocean provides us. If you just go down to the beach, go out to surf and come right back in, you feel better about yourself. If you ride a wave, that's just icing on the cake.

6) Put things in persepctive
People talk about their problems. Stuck in traffic? That's not a problem. Don't know how you're going to pay your bills? Not a [life-or-death] problem. A problem is when your'e 80 miles offshore and have no way to get back.

7) Keep learning
Surfing is probably one of the most difficult sports. There are no referees, no timeouts. The waves don't care about your bank account, you ancestry, your intelligence. It's just you working the water. And the more I learn, the more I don't know. That's an ocean lesson.

8) Be determined
With determination, most things will be quite easy. You go out and get hammered by a wave and then by another one and another one, and you think, 'OK, I'm still here.' And then you get a good wave, and you've made it. The one thing that's great about surfing is that there's no right or wrong way.

9) Don't get stale
Ideas come out of boredom and my desire to be passionate. You have to figure out ways to make things exciting and interesting. When something I've been doing for a while becomes popular, I'm beyond it. So by default, I end up being different. It's that whole desire to keep inspiring and keep renewing your passion.

10) Don't judge.
The ocean is non-judgmental. It doesn't differentiate between you and the next guy. I want to be a little more like the ocean-not judging people who have an opinion. One of the most important lessons I've learned is that we're all equal before a wave.

Friday, July 4, 2008

If it aint baroque, don't fix it.

Ugh...am up way too early on my vacation day. Still, it's nice to get a jump on the day, even though I'm not sure I wanted it to start with a phone call from a continuing education school.

"You can't make an omelet without breaking the eggs."-Joseph Campbell

But what better way to start the 100th Post (w00t!) with talking about my recent trip with Mymymy, Mr. Jones and the Germ to here: Gary Danko

Oh yes people.
It lives up to the hype.
No matter what people tell you, listen to the Penny.
It lives up to the hype.

It lives up to the hype on a level where I felt disrespectful taking pictures of any of my food. So you guys will have to deal with my descriptions.


It was my parents' 35th Anniversary on July 1st, and they celebrated just with us-instead of the whole family like they did a couple of years ago. But as a special treat, they took us to Restaurant Gary Danko-one of the premiere 4 star restaurants in San Francisco. So many amazing reviews both from professionals and friends had been thrust in my face over the years that I had actually requested Gary Danko for my birthday one year. And of course, was laughed at royally. But for a 35th Anniversary, my parents aquiesced.
Have also been told that the interior of the restaurant has since been updated from their opening. I was under the distinct impression that the decor used to read old East Coast Boys Club with heavy, dark wood paneling, velvet drapes and the like. Now the interior, reads a little Vegas and a little hotel restaurant. The wall paint is mostly a salmon pink with huge backlit crystal flower arrangements at the corners of the room. To me, the most disturbing is the angled upper clerestory of mirrors that is EXACTLY what Walgreen's uses in their stores for security. I wasn't a big fan of the decor-except for the table arrangments which was a low silver bud vase of roses set among the crystal and china. It's also INCREDIBLY noisy in here. Not because people are being overly raucous-but because every table is FILLED with hungry diners. And the bar wasn't doing too bad business either.

On to the food!

Amuse bouche: Zucchini soup, creme fraiche, basil oil, smoked haddock.

The fresh mellow summer taste of zucchini-lacking any of the characteristic bitterness that you can get from cooked zucchini, balanced with the rich creme fraiche. The smoked haddock added a lovely big of umami and smoke that tempered the zucchini flavors.

First course: Seared fois gras with caramelized onions, cherries, au jus and salsify.

Amazingly delicious. I mean, basically, it's a large slice of FAT that's just seared til crispy then served over meltingly sweet and tender caramelized onions with seasonal cherries that were braised in the au jus-but still remain decidedly firm and juicy. I loved that attention to detail with this dish. Most of the time, cherries will be stewed within an inch of their lives and are delivered mushy and over sweet. These cherries retained shape and texture and just a hint of sourness to balance the richness of the fois and the sweetness of the onions. Adding their hint of spiciness was the green salsify. This is one of those 'perfect bite' dishes-add every flavor together and you get exactly what the chef was going for; perfect palate harmony.

Second course: Seared ahi tuna with avocado, nori, enoki mushrooms, lemon-soy vinagrette, pickled ginger and fresh pea shoots.

Fresh and light to balance out the fois gras from the starter. The ahi was coated with shichimi togarishi, then seared til about 1/8" of the outside was cooked, leaving the inner slices pink and tender. Paired with the nori and the other elements into the shape of a butterfly(!). Very little fishy flavor, paired well with the buttery avocado. At times, I found the lemony vinagrette a little overwhelming-but then this is undoubtably the best pickled ginger I've ever had. It seems odd to keep commenting on elements of each dish (onions, ginger)-but sometimes, it's the little things that really show the quality of a chef. I forgot to ask the waiter if they make their own ginger in house, but I would assume so. I can't tell you what made it different; the hue of pink was a shade lighter, the slices more tender, the taste more subtle.

Third course: Pancetta wrapped frogs legs with lentils, sunchoke puree and potato.

I had been eying this dish since Mr. Jones had ordered it as his second course. Four crispy legs, completely enrobed in pancetta and served over a pillow of lentils. The sunchoke/potato puree was so rich, I mistook it for beurre blanc. This was like a completely upscale version of buffalo wings-tender meat, wrapped in salty, fatty pancetta paired with the creamy, tiny lentils made for a textural party. (I also had a bite of Mymymy's lobster and it was amazing.)

Fourth course: Bison with cipollini onions, trumped mushrooms and herb spaetzle

New goal: when eating at restaurants, only eat the things you can't or won't cook at home and that you've never had before. Bison was sort of a revelation for me, I don't know if they're hard to raise or people just don't eat them because of a saturated beef market-but the meat was delicious. Not as heavy as beef, but also not gamey like venison. The chef cooked it just right-not too long as to make it tough, but just blackened enough to add character to the exterior which was hand rubbed with spices. Again, the onions were phenomenal. Braised in a balsamic vinegar for some sweet/tartness, their tender veggie flesh was delicious paired with a bite of the bison. I didn't really think the spaetzle was too special tho' (I've had better at Walzwerk)

Dessert course: Black Mission Figs with Port Wine ice cream, Sable Breton, Balsamic caramel and Black Pepper Sabayon.

I decided to go much lighter for dessert-and was actually hoping for a fruit dessert; but wasn't too much into the melon consomme they were offering. I'm glad that I went with the figs-because by the end of dinner I was absolutely stuffed. The Germ and Mymymy weren't so clever though and both ordered the chocolate souffle with the dark chocolate and vanilla bean creme anglaise. They could barely finish and looked like they were going to pass out with all the deliciousness inside their bellies. The figs were roasted to the melting point, but in all honesty, the ice cream made the dish and melded all the elements together.

We shared a bottle of 2005 Burgundy which was amazing-but expensive (I almost ripped the Germ a new one when I found out how much it was. Simply because I had offered to share a 'glass' with him-but because he thought my mom wanted wine too, he ordered a bottle). The mellow and subtle red had none of that tannin back bite and went well with the seafood dishes (except for the ahi) as well as the meats. It was smooth...but looking at how much was in our glasses at the end of the night...I was upset with the Germ.

To me, what made Gary Danko above and beyond other 2 and 3 star restaurants that I've been to, was not only the food, but the wait service. They were IMPECCABLE. Not stuck up, but totally professional. Clean, polite, unobtrusive. They all took little unspoked cues from each other and would glance over at every table now and then to make sure that people had bread or enough wine or enough water. They provided each service willingly and pleasantly. I give double props to the bread/water girl who was so delightfully cheerful and sweet (and who graciously walked me to the restroom). Our waiter was beyond amazing-explaining dishes, pouring sauces, pouring more water or wine. And every course was served in a sweep. This concept was introduced to me in Top Chef Season 1 during wedding wars, where each member of the table is served simultaneously. However, while in the show-the effect was pretty but detrimental to the challenge, at Gary Danko-sweep service is all part of the professional classiness of the staff.

As we left, Mymymy and I were each given an apricot breakfast cake to enjoy the next morning and sent off by: the sommelier, hostess and our waiter. Now that people, is class.

BELIEVE THE HYPE!

(I shared the apricot cake with WD40 the next morning and we both agreed it was incredible; moist, chewy, buttery crumb...ahh)

Next time you're in the Planet Hollywood in New York City, check out the letter hanging on the wall that Bruce Lee wrote to himself.
It's stamped "secret" and is dated January 9, 1970.
"By 1980 I will be the best known oriental movie star in the United States and will have secured $10 million dollars." He continues with, "And in return I will give the very best acting I could possibly give every single time I am in front of the camera and I will live in peace and harmony."

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Hold onto nothing as fast as you can, well..

Some follow up on fellow Lowellite, Cal-Bear Classmate, Ellen Chiang

-Examiner article on CalTrains Deaths - from JDawg.


-from the SF Gate comments section (SPECULATIVE ONLY):

“... I worked with Ellen for several years. I didn’t know about her medical condition until later, but it was something related to her bones. She was on heavy meds the last time I saw her and was obviously in terrible pain. I guess the pain got so bad that she couldn’t live with it anymore. I choose to remember Ellen when I first met her- a bubbly, happy person full of life and glad to be alive. She literally bounced about with joy to be working and living the life she loved. You can’t know what you can be driven to do when you are in such pain, mentally and physically. I hope I will never find out. God bless Ellen and her family. They will be in my thoughts and prayers.”


Please note, the coroner has yet to rule this an accident or suicide. Til then, it's a sad tragedy. Where we will all be when we hear the news that we never thought we would? And when or what will you share with the others in your life when you are afraid of your own weaknessess or obstacles?


Fall back on me darling
The dark's not so bad
Candlelight soothe the soul
Illume the corners
Even out the edges
Hazy crazes pupils
But fall back darling
I'm flesh to hold on to.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Look up, look down.

Just when the world was starting to look up.

A single event can bring it to a crashing halt.

I meant this entry to be about dinner last night. A frivolous attempt to show you all how special I am and how lucky I am and how amazing my family is. A vain diatribe that possibly will get expounded upon in time.

Instead, today is about a classmate of mine.

Not a friend or even a colleague, a former high school classmate.

See, we all make decisions in our lives based upon different factors. For some of us those factors include: time, energy, money. For others: status, incentive, sex. We chose how we spend our first three factors based upon the second three factors. Spirituality and knowledge fall under incentive. We create relationships and hone skills based on these things. All of my friends fall into those categories. (Uh..only like seven in the sex category)

Ellen did not fall into any of these. She was a friend of my friends. An acquaintance by relation. She was not a mean person, not in any sense of the word. By all accounts, Ellen was smart, ambitious, caring, charming, innocent and sweet. She was a tiny person with a large personality. Her giggle was always full and abundant.
And at the same time, Ellen ran things. Clubs, organizations, group projects-she was a leader and a good one too. We were in the same classes, at the same parties-but we weren't close. We never got the opportunity or occasion to be. Maybe I found her intelligence and observant commentary intimidating. Maybe she found me solemn and inhibited. One can't tell, can never tell until it is too late sometimes.

By in large, the last couple of years, I've seen Ellen sporadically. Sometimes at a party or a dinner or holiday event. Last time was probably at our 10 year reunion. Always enthusiastic, always curious and always, always nice.

Then today, this: SF Gate Article.

I'm trying to feel-is probably the best assessment
how do you feel for someone you think you ought to have known better?
I do feel sad that such a sweet person is now gone
and sad that I didn't know her better
but I couldn't, in full consciousness, call her a good friend

J. has been telling me that either I feel or I don't, and he's probably right. But I do feel. I'm not sure that I give myself the right to feel though. The right to honor her memory, the right to lash back against the asshole that thought her family should be held responsible for repaying tax payers for time and money the state spent clearing her body. To think about all the what-ifs. To think about what she might have been thinking about when she did it. Whether she was thinking at all. Or whether it was just a freak accident. And to remember that it could have been anyone. Anyone at al.

And it's the person no one ever thinks it would be. Rest in peace darling. May angels bring you to thy eternal sleep.

AAAHHHH!!!!



Which just goes to show...

Women are quite possibly the craftiest people on the face of the Earth
Men-always see your girls WITHOUT their makeup.
Run. Run for the hills. NOW. Aiyah.

Moi aussi!

20 something. Singer/designer/blogger. My last blog is now permanently lost in the ether, but I've been writing online since 1995. And so it begins...

Recent News

HappyMan