Look up, look down.

Just when the world was starting to look up.

A single event can bring it to a crashing halt.

I meant this entry to be about dinner last night. A frivolous attempt to show you all how special I am and how lucky I am and how amazing my family is. A vain diatribe that possibly will get expounded upon in time.

Instead, today is about a classmate of mine.

Not a friend or even a colleague, a former high school classmate.

See, we all make decisions in our lives based upon different factors. For some of us those factors include: time, energy, money. For others: status, incentive, sex. We chose how we spend our first three factors based upon the second three factors. Spirituality and knowledge fall under incentive. We create relationships and hone skills based on these things. All of my friends fall into those categories. (Uh..only like seven in the sex category)

Ellen did not fall into any of these. She was a friend of my friends. An acquaintance by relation. She was not a mean person, not in any sense of the word. By all accounts, Ellen was smart, ambitious, caring, charming, innocent and sweet. She was a tiny person with a large personality. Her giggle was always full and abundant.
And at the same time, Ellen ran things. Clubs, organizations, group projects-she was a leader and a good one too. We were in the same classes, at the same parties-but we weren't close. We never got the opportunity or occasion to be. Maybe I found her intelligence and observant commentary intimidating. Maybe she found me solemn and inhibited. One can't tell, can never tell until it is too late sometimes.

By in large, the last couple of years, I've seen Ellen sporadically. Sometimes at a party or a dinner or holiday event. Last time was probably at our 10 year reunion. Always enthusiastic, always curious and always, always nice.

Then today, this: SF Gate Article.

I'm trying to feel-is probably the best assessment
how do you feel for someone you think you ought to have known better?
I do feel sad that such a sweet person is now gone
and sad that I didn't know her better
but I couldn't, in full consciousness, call her a good friend

J. has been telling me that either I feel or I don't, and he's probably right. But I do feel. I'm not sure that I give myself the right to feel though. The right to honor her memory, the right to lash back against the asshole that thought her family should be held responsible for repaying tax payers for time and money the state spent clearing her body. To think about all the what-ifs. To think about what she might have been thinking about when she did it. Whether she was thinking at all. Or whether it was just a freak accident. And to remember that it could have been anyone. Anyone at al.

And it's the person no one ever thinks it would be. Rest in peace darling. May angels bring you to thy eternal sleep.