Never fading.

"I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out."
— Pablo Neruda

2008 has brought a veritable blitz on my ass (quoting Lena from the Chicktionary) - as it has for so many people. The latest unemployed count numbers up in the hundreds of thousands, civil unrest breaking out in Greece, India and the Gaza Strip, theft, violence, death all on the rise...and uh, Pen is not having the greatest year. But what is total destruction without the return of the dove and her olive branch? Sometimes the greatest annihilation clears the way so that we can see past all the false walls we've built up. To build a new structure, you can't build on a messed up foundation. You've really got to get down to the core, dig out the old concrete and pour a new one. Otherwise, you're just asking for your building to cave at the first San Andreas fault tremor.

If there's any time to take a spiritual look at life, it would probably be now. Whatever your beliefs, whomever you think leads your life choices. The choice now is not to be Christian or Buddhist, Daoist, Unitarian or to even prescribe to any label at all. But, instead to be, as Wayne Dyer says, Christ-like or Buddha-like. Change can be possible...if we only keep sending out our doves. If we keep looking for a solid place to build with only our faith in the Universe to rely upon. Keep sending out hopes and prayers that the child who will discover the cure for cancer or build a better way of travel isn't shot in Israel. That the person who could assassinate a president, decides to go a different way. And if we don't take care of our friends and family and neighbors NOW...when will we? Can we choose to be the dove?

Selfishly though, my recent thoughts haven't been on anyone dying or the unemployed or world economy or even Barack (even though he's awesome). They've been on the total breakdown of who I thought I was and thought I would accept. In the words of the Dixie Chicks, "I made a promise to myself, locked it away deep inside, told my heart we'd wait it out, swore we'd never compromise. Oh, I'd rather be alone like I am tonight, then settle for the kind of love that fades before the morning light..." Laughing at yourself and the utter disintegration of pre-prescribed standards, that you set, seems to be the only medicine for the comedic routine God calls life. Every stereotype and judgment that I've ever had? Has gone to pot, but only after a limited lifetime of experience. Now it's easy to say that maybe I'll never date again. That dating only leads to heartbreak. But the heartbreak is the thing that tells me I'm human and that I was full and complete in my actions. Being completely thrust into aching and wondering and emptiness is all part of the human experience. And it shows me, I am possibility.

But look at the quote by Neruda. Love changes people, and almost unfailingly, for the better. They expose the bits and parts of you that you never suspected you had. For making me realize this, I thank J. retroactively. As New Age woo-woo as this sounds; I realize, I am the possibility of love and not settling for anything less. And I will keep sending out my doves with only hope to build that dream upon.

ps. my fondest 2008 thanks and happy new year wishes to those out in the bloggyland - Kirk @ mmmyoso, Robyn @ TGWAE, Gala @ galadarling, Min @ cherrypickedwisdom, Tiff @ allthewine, jdawg the webmistress, lena @ chicktionary, jessiera (who reads what I write) and gilda @ queengilda....

and anyone else out there. Happy 2009. Be a dove.

How's that working for you?

"You we're born a human being. And not just any human being in the history of human beings, but a human being that gets to be alive today. That gets to listen to all kinds of music, that gets to eat food from every culture, that gets to download porn off the internet. So really, you have everything to live for."

Just bought and watched ‘Charlie Bartlett’ and was NOT totally disappointed., although, it does play a lot like ‘Pump Up the Volume’ Lite. Downey was good, Dennings continues to cement her role as the anti-manic pixie, real, awesome chick and even Yelchin (with the total, ice skating pairs name…oh wait, according to IMDB it IS!) was charming as hell, and I believe also did his own jazz piano work.

Sometimes, I think people could just use a hearty dose of STFU. I mean, really. Having just watched a film all about not giving a crap what other people think about you, I have thought that not caring, is great…in moderation. I walked 4 miles today, down to Golden Gate Park and back and came to the realization that there are a lot of friggin’ people in the world. I mean, a lot. I’m not used to that. I’m not used to seeing a lot of people that I don’t know. It made me very curious about why I didn’t know them. I’m totally serious. Half way through my little excursion, I started to feel really, really lonely. And called a friend to chat. Ironically, we started to go off on the feeling that we have so many people in our lives that it’s hard to catch up with all of them. But I still wanted to be known by all these anonymous people. And here I sit on the interwebs, complaining about my life (or lack thereof, yes I realize) expecting people to sympathize. But the truth is, I’m not doing anything special. I’m writing. I’m not out there, getting to know people.

Look, a lot of the writing I do here is for me. It’s obviously not something I mind sharing with the general public otherwise it wouldn’t be on the interwebs, but for the most part, I’m writing it for me. It’s the quintessential ego stroke. I like that people read it and respond to it, but I’m not writing most of my entries for others. It’s one of the very few outlets where I don’t care what others think, but when I write, I write things based on the karma I want to put out in the world.

“I used to think when I was little, every song was about me.” – Pink

Great art is something that we can all relate to. And the best thing about any art is that artists never create it for anyone else but themselves. Whether you feel connected or not is up to you.

#4

Impeccable mistakes
We've all made
Tell us that we're human
But that stain
That reminds us
Is all too painful, sometimes.
When faced with karma or vengeance,
Would it be so wrong?
To cast a sword
In place of the flowers I'd strew instead?

Let me have my wings
I'll shatter harpies in my path
Keening songs of grasping need
From their fiery cells.
Return their unsolicited victim offering
Not the sweetness of his lips
Not the pleasure of our nights
Not the mind or rapture of love
Ventress, only return their rusted tin can locks
Paper chains and glassy shackles,
Look her in the eyes
So that I can die to live again

endless doors on either side...

Have been listening to Wayne Dyer’s lectures lately. (They’re free online if you Google him) Mainly, they’re inspirational talks, but they’re also valuable tools for guiding you in how to live life. Reminders in a way. Dyer talks a lot about “source”. Sometimes it’s what we refer to as “spirit”, “higher power” or simply, “god”. It’s what reminds us that we are who we are at our most ultimate shining moment. It’s the perfect ace across the tennis net, hitting that 10th mile of the marathon, singing so purely and clearly that all of your molecules are called into action. It’s no wonder that so many of life’s most transcendental moments: the birth of your first child, climbing Mt. Fuji to see the sunrise etc. involve physical as well as mental stamina.

When we start to have feelings of doubt, fear or suspicion, it all goes back to us not feeling connected to who we truly are and what we are meant to be. Just the other week, I had a conversation with my gorgeous friend, who is my rock and my inspiration. At some point in their lives, every person who considers themselves an artist, goes through a dark place. The place where you don’t know if there is a light out of. The tempting point where things like a 9-5 job, medical benefits, a white picket fence look awfully nice. Anyway, I sat there, listening to my dear friend tell me she was afraid of putting the period on the end of the long journey she’d been working on for a while. And I nearly choked on my orange juice. The end? No way, no how.

See the end, is really the beginning if you choose to look at it that way. See, she made this…and I’m listening to it right now, and it’s incredible. She did something with these songs that is so pure…so hopeful…so her. And if there was ever a time in our history for hope, it would be right now. We could use a leader. Someone who, even if she thinks she can’t see the light right now for her own life, can provide a guiding light for others. And find her own codega. (In the Venetian middle ages a ‘Codega’ was hired to guide you by lantern through the dark Italian streets, warding off assailants”)



It’s true, we all let ourselves fall into the darkness sometimes. And then, at some point, illumination. Sometimes it takes stepping outside of yourself. Reflecting on what you love. The other day, on the way back to the office from a quick jaunt to the bank with my boss, it started to rain on Haight street. I didn’t bring an umbrella, so I started to walk a little quicker. And pretty soon, I was outrunning the rain. Outrunning the rain, think about that for a sec. Of course, there’s no way to do that. But the beat of my boots on slick pavement was jaunty and I started to hum to myself. And I was truly, openly, honestly, happy. I was writing a song in my head! And it’s not Coldplay, but I was having fun. Humming to myself. Feeling that beat turn into a chorus. And the clouds broke, I genuinely smiled at no less than three people on my way back.

The rain has always played an important part in all of my breakups. Well, the not so good ones anyway. Rain’s like an offering, a clean slate as long as I embrace it. The freshness and sweetness is like a balm-rain on me, for I am yours to clean.


Are we aren’t
To be who we wish we could be?
Holding back,
To hold onto what we see
As an answer
To our loneliness - June 2008

C is the Comeliest Letter!

When you are wont to surf the web as I am, you’ll come upon interesting things. AllTheWine is a blogger, that I believe I either found through GalaDarling or OnceMoreWithFeeling! She has a neat meme on her site this week all to do with your favorite things – but specifically the ones that start with a particular letter.

The rules: You leave a comment on this post, and I’ll assign you a letter. You write about ten things you love that begin with your assigned letter, and post it at your place. When people comment on your list, you give them a letter, and the chain continues on and on.

My letter is C!

1) Well first of all, C is for COOKIE and that’s good enough for me.
Cookies are the delicious prodigal child of cakes. Basically, when home bakers in the olden days wanted to test their batter they would bake a small portion to see what it tasted like. The popularity of these small cakes, like cell phone charms and purse Chihuahuas, grew and grew until people just started baking them outright. As a kid, my mom used to call cookies, “fish food” – I have no idea why, but she did. We LOVED it when she made fish food. There is nothing more satisfying than a cookie, for me. First of all, you don’t need a plate or a fork, secondly, you can put pretty much anything you want in a cookie. I’ve had zucchini cookies, coffee cookies and cookies with bacon in them. You can eat just one or a lot. When I’m having a bad day or PMSing, I’ll go grab a cookie. Cookiemonster is also my favorite muppet, I used to have slippers when I was a little kid that were blue, fuzzy and had a plastic Cookie Monster head on each toe.

2) Cumin, cinnamon, cilantro, curry – spices are sexy, no? I love cooking and adding unusual spices to dishes to enhance flavors. Cumin to turkey, cinnamon to just about everything, cilantro to bring brightness and curry to add heat.

3) Cha Cha Chas – One of my favorite Spanish/Cuban inspired tapas restaurants in the city. They make spectacular sangria, amazing platanos maduros and patatas bravas. The décor is a fun mix of Catholic inspired, glitter decked shrines and live plants. And it’s one of the few places that I would consider hip enough to bring a date, a bunch of girlfriends and also comfy enough to bring family. I ate lunch here with a friend on Friday. Lookee!

4) Christmas! – tis the season y’all. And for the first time in a long time, I’ve been watching the evolution of this particular holiday and in this particular year, it’s not about mounds of material gifts. It really is about sticking together, family, loved ones and giving thanks for the season. Nice.

5) Colbert – who doesn’t love them some Colbert? Have you watched the Holiday Special yet? You must.

6) Cons…short for convention as in Comi-Con, Wonder-Con, Dragon-Con, Leaky-Con. There is something magical about watching a ton of sweaty, geeky, passionate people band together to have a weekend that is just about the things that they love. It’s so neat to see the innovation, creativity and sometimes social change come about from these en mass gatherings.

7) Coeur D’Coeurs: ok, Pushing Daisies has been cancelled to my chagrin, but this fairy tale of a television show is probably the best thing on television. Smart, well set and well acted, it has a pop sensibility that appeals to both kids and adults. And the stories, while adult oriented, contain a childlike style that is perfect family fare.

8) Cary Elwes: Uh…Wesley? Princess Bride. He was the perfect man-snarky and skilled enough to satisfy the macho requirement, but oh-so pretty and charming to be the real prince of this story.

9) Coelho: I first read ‘The Alchemist’ when I was 22 after hearing about it on the blog of Lori (Real World: Back to New York…yeah, sue me) Trespicio, and I was sucked into the book. It’s not only an incredible fairy tale about following your dreams and listening to omens but also a guide to learning how to see the world. A week after finishing it, I ran into a good friend of mine who was also reading it. I only hope that I keep searching and finding my teachers; the old king, the shop owner and the alchemist. And I hope against hope for my Fatimah. ‘I Sat Down By the River Piedra’ is also amazing. And Coelho’s blog is thoughtful, meditative daily read.

It is also symbolic that Santiago finds his soul-mate, and the secrets of wisdom in the wilderness of the desert… In the desert, Santiago meets his "twin-soul" and discovers that love is the core of existence and creation. As Coelho explains, when we love, we always try to improve ourselves, and that's when everything is possible. The subject of love inspires a beautiful lyricism in Coelho's writing: " I love you because the whole universe conspired for me to come close to you."

The Personal Legend is one's reason for living; essentially, one's goal in life. Everyone in the world has a Personal Legend; by reaching his/hers, he/she adds to the Soul of the World, or its purity.

10) Celine Dion is Awesome – the first time I watched this video (made by the fucktawesome Rich of FourFour), I had to watch it 8 more times. And then again when I got home, and again the next day. HI-larious. And then I had to send it to 24 of my friends. This video is one of the best YouTube videos ever made.



11) Common sense: it’s so interesting that some people have this in spades and others were born with the common sense of a pineapple.

And I bet you are just fine...

A Fine Frenzy
"Almost Lover"
-One Cell in the Sea (2007)

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, never forget
These images

No

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about youCan't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

***************************
Well huh...this explains part of it: l'Homme Fatale

22 days

You were mine to make a mystery.
The one sure faith eluding me.
And now you're gone.
22 days and I still feel you.
But those ghosts are quickly fading.
As you move on.

beyond

"You two are rocking my world at this moment." - cast member on Saturday.

I had forgotten how much I love to watch other people sing. How much it fulfills the part that yearns for creation, understanding, art. Bearing witness to music, real music makes me grateful to be alive. The smiles on the faces of the rest of our cast members and our hardass musical director when La Fleur and I finished our duet on Saturday were priceless. Knowing that other people think you kick ass and that you are now, at least a partial master of a skillset you have spent years honing is so gratifying. Duets are such beautiful vibrant creatures; the insouciance of solos gives way to the necessary give and take and connection of singing with others.

There is something so much greater than ourselves, the ley lines that connect us to Earth and Sky. And we are the fortunate souls that get to live in between.

Wandering lately, listless. Too much television, too much lethargy. Because I believed myself to have lost something. The truth was, that I only had to return to the rhythm and music to find what was always there. Believing that something is lost and then finding it again, by connecting soul to spirit - just a reminder that looking beyond ourselves is essential to living in this world fully.

"One day you might see yourself walking alone on a new path. No one seems in sight. No one seems to have walked it earlier. Don't give up midway. You're on a right track. Go on. Reach your dreams. The reason why you do not see anyone is because, the world is following you."

from PravsWorld.

bittersweet.

Well...THAT didn't take very long.

A different kind of therapy.

RRAWWWWRRRR! Take that. Oh, NOT SAFE FOR WORK! Lots and lots of cussing!



*******************************************************************************
This next story might gross you guys out a little bit. For the last week, I have watched a caterpillar dying on my bathroom floor. Yeah, I know. I have nothing to defend myself, it was a total act of animal cruelty...or indifference. First of all, I have no idea how the caterpillar got into my bathroom, I figured it hitched a ride on my dad's pants or something. Or that he just wandered in there by himself. So I figured he would know how to get out. And every day, I thought I would just wake up and in the middle of the night, the caterpillar would have just figured out how to wiggle his way out of the grout and outside somehow. Not so, every single day, I've watched the caterpillar waste away. And then I just started waiting for him to...pass. But every time that darn squishy worm got wet from my shower, he seemed to reanimate. Initially, he just started becoming a little nuisance, something that I had to avoid while stepping out in my myopic state. Finally, this morning, I gave the little dude a casual funeral.

I dunno what made me not want to save this little thing's life. I think it's the depression seething out after setting in. But I hurt, I hurt at my core. I hurt so much in just this moment that my teeth ache. It didn't take very long for HER to place herself squarely back in his life. To reclaim her shallow grade victory, even to falsely claim the one, bittersweet entry that was mine. I let you go, because in my own way, I care about you. Releasing you gently, kindly, the most mature way I know how. Release you back into your self made iron cage of guilt, shame, manipulation, jealousy and obsession masquerading as love and friendship. She's made you believe that she will be the only one. I KNOW that it is a sorely won battle that will not triumph in the war. Sadly...that is what you choose now.

Laddie: "Wanna see me use a semicolon?"
Pen: "Oh yeah, ahah."
Laddie: "BAM!"

Furry orange therapy

Trying to distract yourself is like trying to not watch a car accident when you drive by. You try and try, and you KNOW you know better than to watch. Rubbernecking just causes traffic jams and frustration, you might see something absolutely horrifying or you might just get into an accident yourself. And you remind yourself all of these things as you slow down and drive by.

But you still look. It's hard not to.

Have been doing a lot of things lately that allot weird free time and therefore make healthy distractions harder. You know, it's when you schedule an appointment or a meeting or a reading and there's not enough time for you to go home, but there's just a little too much time to kill. It's what your typical book/magazine/DVD/cafe superstore is for (the Borders people? Genuises), or in my case Church street. Within the same 75 ft. radius there's clothes/accessories, several restaurants, two salons and a bookstore. Bookstores always bring back childhood memories; my parents were, and still are, fond of hitting up bookstores on a Friday or Saturday night after dinner. There's something about a good used bookstore that promotes wandering and before you know it, you've blown 20 minutes reading about how to make a stereo out of pinecones or listening to new music. You don't buy anything you don't have to and you can still learn something new or pleasurable.

Yesterday, with a chunk of time and the chill air, quickly nipped into Aardvark's Used Books before my reading. The smell of fraying pages and glossy covers, comforting. Behind the homemade counter - an elderly Koreander type, scrutinized each attendee before returning to his own tome. And I soon was lost in the ceiling scraping shelves, packed with words and stories and pictures. But cruising down one of the aisles, I was confronted by another resident lordly sentinel.

For the frequent readers of the bloggityog, you probably know why I'm trying to keep myself distracted. And honestly, nothing said distraction more than a 10lb. bundle of orange colored tabby love plopped squarely between me and travel.

Golden eyes fixated on my outstretched hand and our intial meeting ended in nothing more than your typical kitty cat brush off. But on our second encounter, in front of a stack of music books ('natch), Lord Kitty decided he would rather jump a seat on my squatted lap. At first, it was a gentle head butt, then a full on purr-fest. Cuddling this cat, made me feel better. I know that it's ludicrous to believe that animals can sense your feelings, but somehow knowing that something, somewhere still wanted to snuggle up to me (and my down stuffed coat) made me feel ok. It's been hard knowing where to turn or what to do lately. Do I want or need to hold a hand that isn't 100% invested in that moment? Pets on the other hand, are fully in the moment of being held and loved and aren't interested in being anywhere else but there. Skeptics will say that of course kitty wanted to be held and petted and loved, but I stick to the belief that in his own cat way, he was offering me up a type of comfort too.

After a while of gentle head scratching, my thighs started to ache. Levering my new buddy off his haunches onto the floor with a gentle, "That's enough baby," I realized that there's been a proverbial change in me. Even when I make the rules, someone will still want to snuggle. Good to know.

ps. have been thinking of going tandem skydiving lately. If you want to go, let me know.

respond.

You're right. I won't.

But don't get bitter because I did what was right for me.

You wanted happiness.

So do I.

i used to be cool

I heard this song while driving to rehearsal last night and liked it so much that I actually dug out a pen to scribble it down. It's Ludovico Einaudi's 'Due Tramonti' which translates to 'Two Sunsets'. Gorgeous.

Wow...below is my Frienster profile from like 2003. Whack.

I'm not cool. I am nowhere near cool. Many people have let me know that they don't think I'm cool. I may never BE cool. But I'm ok with that. And, I'm wearing pants. I miss Comedy Central (damn you Comcast)and the Muppet Show. I make endless to do lists and then proceed to not do anything on them. I do not have a deviated septum. I like to sleep in but rarely do. I remember names and faces from fifteen years past, but can't recall any mathematical theorem worth crap. I am very hard to please. Things I have first panned then later relished with pleasure: capri pants, skiing and frappucinos. I enjoy complex sentence structure, but cannot be bothered to string it together. I can often think up things like; my favorite book, movie, tv show on my own, but I draw blanks on all if prompted to do so. I LOVE to think up names for my fictional band. My favorite song to perform is, "Son of a Preacher Man." I can type about 80 wds per min, but not quietly. I enjoy buffing my fingernails religously. I think I have hobbit feet. I do not work in a cube; it's more like an open sided octagon. I am the only person I know that saw Matrix Reloaded and liked it better than the first Matrix. I kill houseplants, so don't ask me to watch yours. I am on a very long road to finding happiness but am being held back by fear, resignation and the obstacle of having a family that's crunchy liberal on the outside, secretly straight as an assrod conservative Asian on the inside. I like giving up my seat for old ladies on the bus. If you tell me what to do, there is a 50% chance I won't do it, just based on the fact that I hate people telling me what to do. I am trying very hard to impress you...

If I had to describe myself using only adjectives; eclectic, hyper-sensitive, do-gooder, sometimes shallow, on time, contradictory but ultimately nice.

My other profile is: "I'm weird."
word. (to your mother)

chitown city.

Rawbean, Buckethead...this one's for you. (via Rob Huebel of Human Giant)



How a Chi-town playah does it for the ladeez.

*sourcecode

"Rely on the source whose capabilities are equal to the requirements of your program"

Rules:
* Grab the book closest to you. Now.
* Go to page 56.
* Find the 5th sentence.
* Write that sentence as your status.
* Copy these instructions as a comment to your status.
* Don't go looking for your favorite book, or the coolest one you have -- just grab the closest one.

Repost and try people! Mine is from a design book ('natch), called The Big Book of Color-in-Design that I got when MissQueeter was an editor at Harpers, but I think it's actually rather appropriate and Zen when you think about it.

I also posted a review of Bar Tartine over at Yelp...if you're really THAT bored. :)

Prime directive yo.

I fucking love geeks. (via Pajiba)



The funniest word I have heard today? Tofucken, the vegetarian equivalent of Turducken. There are also some crazy ass directions to make tofucken, like: 9. Bake about 20 minutes or until you burn your fingers when you stick them into the Tofucken. Tofucken can also be used as a verb.
Q: Did you bang that hot vegan chick last night?
A: Oh yeah, there was a lot of tofucken going on.
(no tempeh was harmed in the making of the tofucken)