Never fading.

"I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out."
— Pablo Neruda

2008 has brought a veritable blitz on my ass (quoting Lena from the Chicktionary) - as it has for so many people. The latest unemployed count numbers up in the hundreds of thousands, civil unrest breaking out in Greece, India and the Gaza Strip, theft, violence, death all on the rise...and uh, Pen is not having the greatest year. But what is total destruction without the return of the dove and her olive branch? Sometimes the greatest annihilation clears the way so that we can see past all the false walls we've built up. To build a new structure, you can't build on a messed up foundation. You've really got to get down to the core, dig out the old concrete and pour a new one. Otherwise, you're just asking for your building to cave at the first San Andreas fault tremor.

If there's any time to take a spiritual look at life, it would probably be now. Whatever your beliefs, whomever you think leads your life choices. The choice now is not to be Christian or Buddhist, Daoist, Unitarian or to even prescribe to any label at all. But, instead to be, as Wayne Dyer says, Christ-like or Buddha-like. Change can be possible...if we only keep sending out our doves. If we keep looking for a solid place to build with only our faith in the Universe to rely upon. Keep sending out hopes and prayers that the child who will discover the cure for cancer or build a better way of travel isn't shot in Israel. That the person who could assassinate a president, decides to go a different way. And if we don't take care of our friends and family and neighbors NOW...when will we? Can we choose to be the dove?

Selfishly though, my recent thoughts haven't been on anyone dying or the unemployed or world economy or even Barack (even though he's awesome). They've been on the total breakdown of who I thought I was and thought I would accept. In the words of the Dixie Chicks, "I made a promise to myself, locked it away deep inside, told my heart we'd wait it out, swore we'd never compromise. Oh, I'd rather be alone like I am tonight, then settle for the kind of love that fades before the morning light..." Laughing at yourself and the utter disintegration of pre-prescribed standards, that you set, seems to be the only medicine for the comedic routine God calls life. Every stereotype and judgment that I've ever had? Has gone to pot, but only after a limited lifetime of experience. Now it's easy to say that maybe I'll never date again. That dating only leads to heartbreak. But the heartbreak is the thing that tells me I'm human and that I was full and complete in my actions. Being completely thrust into aching and wondering and emptiness is all part of the human experience. And it shows me, I am possibility.

But look at the quote by Neruda. Love changes people, and almost unfailingly, for the better. They expose the bits and parts of you that you never suspected you had. For making me realize this, I thank J. retroactively. As New Age woo-woo as this sounds; I realize, I am the possibility of love and not settling for anything less. And I will keep sending out my doves with only hope to build that dream upon.

ps. my fondest 2008 thanks and happy new year wishes to those out in the bloggyland - Kirk @ mmmyoso, Robyn @ TGWAE, Gala @ galadarling, Min @ cherrypickedwisdom, Tiff @ allthewine, jdawg the webmistress, lena @ chicktionary, jessiera (who reads what I write) and gilda @ queengilda....

and anyone else out there. Happy 2009. Be a dove.