every little step

Remembering why it is that I do what it is that I do.

“If you can see your path laid out
in front of you step by step, you know
it’s not your path. Your own path you
make with every step you take. That’s
why it’s your path.”

- Joseph Campbell (one of my all time favorite authors)

I wanna be a Producer

So I just emailed the director of CounterPULSE to see if she'll let me into this workshop series for the business side of arts administration for less than the actual fee. It is EXACTLY what I have been looking for; smart, informed, basic facts and information about how to be an effective producer (grant-writing, fundraisers, creative marketing etc.). But you know, there's $$ involved and since I just paid for my Revit course at SF State, I am more in the hole now.

It's funny that now that I don't have a full time job, I'm looking for ways to become more job oriented.

And actually sort of liking it.

Cross your fingers!

Post V-Day Tale

Post Valentine's Day Love Story...

It is cold but sunny. A day in the city, well earned respite after a morning of taxing work. Embrace the frigid sunshine as the day beats down on well worn asphalt. February 14th - and yet, there is only a trace of the commercial lovey dovey hearts and flowers - other than that, it is a regular day on Haight street. Hipsters with their buffalo plaid and expensive haircuts mix with tourists in oversized sweatshirts.

Neither one nor the other, I stroll, earbuds firmly stationed at my canals - comfy in sweats and hoodie. Not in love nor in hate. I am just IN the world at the moment...looking for a present. Finding the best one is the quest.

a cupcake pendant necklace
a bag of wonderfully soft and cuddly yarn, 3 skeins for $6.50
a pink cowboy hat with a silver sequined brim and rhinestone tiara glued on

Contentment in finding the funniest, cutest and quirkiest gifts for my secret pal. I stop by one more store, aptly named on this day of days, The Love of Ganesha.

A store I have often passed with an untold yearning to step beyond it's gilded silken curtain. Where wafts patchouli and incense; somehow promising a strange foreign bazaar just past its threshold. Pretension and hesistance have kept me, time and time again avoiding the embroidered tops, bronze statues and flowered leis - but today, just today, I allow my baby girl her one flight of fancy. Inside, there is warmth. There is laughter, light, bells of jeweled anklets tinkle and baskets of flowers, semi-precious stones and candles just lie, glowing gently. The ladies gossip with one another, as they must have done since the beginning of time. About children, about food, about their health. They offer to watch my oversized shopping bag and for some reason, I willingly agree.

A couple of times, one of the propietors - watching me peer at items curiously - catches my eyes. In our own silent way, we express the fact that I'm just looking at this point. I go deeper and deeper into the store, passing carved mirrors and wardrobes, swathes of silken and beaded cloth, more statues, masks and journals.

Everywhere there is color paired with the glint of gold, bronze, silver. I find a set of pikake flower candles for the cast girls and do at least three passes through the store, trying to find something that catches my attention. It is Valentine's Day after all, and if you cannot find someone else to love you, you might as well try yourself. Right? But I end up letting my thrift and lack of funds get to me, and just pick up the candles. As I am leaving though, thanking the saleswomen profusely, the other one catches my hand and puts something into it.

"Here, this is for you."

I initially try to give it back - I don't know what it is and I can't accept her generosity right away. I mean, I've only spent $10 in this store of gorgeous items. But she insists and we lock eyes again and there is no obligation...it's a gift. And I look at it more closely - a simple hair clip. Bright yellow silk gerbera daisies. Nothing I would have chosen for myself. Purples and reds call more often to me. But this day, it is gorgeous. And it makes me smile. After thanking the ladies, I say goodbye and pass back through the curtain...

Nearly run over by a bicylist who stops his tires just inside the front walkway. But he catches himself and I try to move past him and we dance around each other, not knowing which way to turn. Finally, we laugh, excuse ourselves and make eye contact for a single second. In that single second, I know that he is a kindred spirit - we have been drawn to this store for the same reason. It's not love, it's not even infatuation, it is that rare moment of recognizing the human in someone else and honoring it. An unspoken namaste - if you believe in that sort of thing.

There is a part of my body that walks, healed or relaxed or comforted back towards the car, tucking the clip up into a sheaf of hair. Smile at the people that walk by or stop their cars for me at intersections. A day to honor love and for love to honor us.

You probably think this world is a dream come true... but you're wrong.

Recently went with Moward to see 'Coraline' in 3D - on a blustery, windy, rainy SF night. While I was rather fond of the concept of this film (Neil Gaiman, dark fairy tale etc.) and the overall effect, there is a huge ZOMGNERD in me that enjoyed the quality of the 'Making of' clips better than the actual movie. (which are all available online)

Based on a novel by Neil Gaiman, Coraline (Dakota Fanning) is the story of a young girl who moves into a new house, that is also occupied by a couple of quirky neighbors - despite which she becomes bored, restless and neglected by her over worked parents (Teri Hatcher, John Hodgeman). One night, after being given a doll by a neighbor kid that looks exactly like her only with buttons for eyes, Coraline finds a mysterious tunnel behind a locked hatch door in her living room that leads to another world. An exact replica of her own, but with some fantastical dream like qualities. Like mice that perform in a circus, flower gardens that play and tease her, and wonders of wonders, parents who not only pay attention to her but are perfect Stepford renditions of the originals. But with sinister intentions. The 'Other Mother', actually a demon in disguise (the Beldame, a version of a succubus) demands that Coraline stay in the fantastic world so that she can feed off her energy and kidnaps Coraline's real parents in order to trap Coraline into agreeing. Not to be fooled, ala Harry Potter or any of your modern day spunky heroines, Coraline gets the Beldame to agree to free her mother and the other children if she can successfully recapture the rest of their trapped spirits and find her parents.

There are some beautiful aspects to the film that are truly astounding. And only lend themselves to the storytelling. The actual crafting that went into the film is incredible - from the thousands of yards of gold wire that was used to make the hair of one of the characters to the teeny tiny sweaters with intarsia stars that were knitted for Coraline, to the sets that were created - this film is worth seeing just for all the craft that went into it. It is a Bay Area Etsy esque dream. Truly, this is not your regular stop animation film. The craftspeople deserve an award for their sheer will in making all the elements of this film.



First of all, there is just some incredible animation. The multitude of some of the scenes, including the variables of the mouse circus and the flower garden scene - and there is a slick Hollywood feel to the film that flows between scenes nicely. Action sequences work incredibly well and the softness of the evening scenes paired with the sharp washed out aspects of the others is truly lovely. The filmmakers should truly feel proud of this film which is a theatrical feat and rarity. A stop animation movie that bears muster with creations like, "The Nightmare Before Christmas" (same director) and the Wallace and Gromit films - good enough and long enough to be a feature film with national distribution.

That being said, there are a couple of detracting factors, one which might be the scope of which the film was shot in-which included the huge sweeping sets. If you watch a 'Wallace and Gromit' film, one of the most delightful part of those films is how much the animators achieve in such a tiny tiny space. In the realm of one room there are clocks, coffee pots, mechanized arms and Rube Goldberg type machines that move elements throughout. With Coraline, these elements exist but in a much more mundane and less fantastical way. For example, during the dinner scene - a literal gravy train and drink dispensing chandelier are less focal points than they are background supporting actors. Even a praying mantis shaped gardening tool/machine is not so incredible until it becomes a horrifying killing machine.

As the book and movie may be pointing out, as much as these beautiful creations awe and delight, they have the tendency to feel almost as empty as the drab world Coraline has been trying to escape. There's is no soul-just a terrifying desire to please the ego of an 11 year old who honestly would like stability, homeyness and a little discipline to go along with her colorless life. She wants to matter and for people to listen. But like her "real" life, the other life is just as dangerously mundane - since her other mother only wants to control and manipulate Coraline under the guise of affection. Things slowly start to turn and twist into horrifying renditions of their original shapes as the Other Mother starts to lose control over Coraline's personality.

Which brings me to the two most disappointing aspects of Coraline. The first of all being the 3-D factor. I watched Wall-E last year and found it to be one of the most beautiful films I'd seen in a while. Because of the way it approached sweeping scenes and still managed to focus beautifully on it's main character in a way that didn't feel silly or too grandiose. The music, animation and story all swelled and flowed in a way that seemed organic. And of course there was the greater humanistic morality tale tied into the gentler love story. There's no reason for hiding anything in such a well made film. But the 3D aspect of Coraline, which was what we ended up paying an extra $3 for only made me nauseous. It seems a gimmick geared at hiding flaws which is honestly unnecessary for a quality film like this one actually is. What is a neat party trick takes away from the craftsmanship that this movie took. And it's impossible to watch the movie without the glasses. Because of the way the film is shot, the quality without the glasses becomes fuzzy. You do get used to it after a while, but the first ten minutes can be a crap shoot about whether or not you head (first) into the toilets.

Second? The acting is just sub par when compared with the animation. Look, kudos for casting an actual "desperate housewife" for the role of Mother/Other Mother - but was Marcia Cross not available? She would have made a vastly more interesting and sinister Other Mother than Teri Hatcher whose form of evil just goes into histrionic. (did you not SEE 'Melrose Place'?) And Dakota Fanning as Coraline has the annoying brat down pat, but fails to create a sympathetic or heroic character. And the three ghost children? I wouldn't necessarily want to save someone who was calling me, "Miss" all the time. For the amount of time that was spent on the two spinsters (incredible by the way), you would think that the creators would want to spend a little more time on the characters who a) send Coraline on her quest and b) provide the most vital information about the Beldame in the first place.


Overall, it's a gorgeous movie, and much of the acting by Mac/PC and Daily Show straightman John Hodgeman is great. It's wonderful to hear him sing and the rest of the supporting cast, including Ian McShane (Deadwood) as Bobinski and Jennifer Saunders and Dawn French as the two Vaudevillian spinsters Fink and Forcible (ahah, great play on names - go Neil), Keith David as the magnanimous Cat, is amazing. Yes, it's creepy - but hey, that's what makes it good. As a fine return in the Grimm Fairy Tale tradition, Coraline does what most good fairy tales should, be careful what you wish for and always remember to stick to your own strength to get you through to the truth.

Rerooting.

I stepped outside today - still not engaged with the world - one step in and one step out. Half fooled I stopped to stare at all the people and thought, "How silly am I?" It's my world and there are all these other people there. Here. too many people in this world to make even one of them my focus. And yet I still get to chose don't I God? I am so much closer aren't I? Right now I can only see the negative- I wonder how much perspective it will take to get to the positive. And finally to the place where it doesn't matter at all. The place where it seemed too long ago that it was a life time away from anything that is or was me.
I'm growing God - but sometimes I wonder at what cost. What cost happiness and what does it look like? Certainly not like someone who can't and won't open themselves to love. In the span of 10 minutes I have probably seen and been seen by 200 people and I am concerned with one? Why? Why let one insignificant person affect me that much? Why make my world that small and limited of a place? It deosn't make a whole lot of sense. So the question now is; what do I want?

-written January 2009

do you love Gus?

A recent conversation with me and my father.
Mr. Jones: "So I don't get it, what's the church about?"
Pen: "Well, it just takes a world view on issues. Because human spirituality, we as a species are so separated by what we call god."
Mr. Jones: "Uh huh."
Pen: "People get into so much trouble because they call the same thing by different names. You know, so we call it 'apple'. But in China...what do they call it?"
Mr. Jones: "Ping-gwa.'
Pen: "Right. So you know, here, an apple is an apple is an apple and in China, ping-gwa is a ping gwa. But it's just knowing you're talking about the same thing. God is the same thing everywhere."
Mr. Jones: "So what if you call God, 'Gus'?"
Pen: "Dude! You can totally call him Gus if you want to! I mean, if in your head, you talk to Gus all the time, it's god! Or I guess, it's Gus!"
Mr. Jones: "I just said that to be funny."

Apparently Wrath wins. happy birthday Mayabird!

Stolen from Wakeboard's post to Herr Direktor on her b-day. Cause I'm full of love.

'Eliza Haywood's Life's Progress through the Passions; or, The Adventures of Natura (1748)... explains that for each emotion there is a ... grief and joy alternately succeed each other;--hope has its period in possession;--fear ceases, either by the cause being removed, or by a fatal certainty of some dreaded evil;--ambition dies within us, on a just sense of the folly of pursuing it;--hate is often vanquished by good offices; even greedy avarice may be glutted; and love is, for the most part, fluctuating, and may be terminated by a thousand accidents. (23)

Placing a time limit on each emotion and finding that each has "its antidote," Haywood concludes, "REVENGE alone is implacable and eternal, not to be banished by any other passion whatsoever"'

Happy Birthday

You're the result of yourself

Don’t blame anyone, never complain of anyone or anything
Because basically you have made of your life what you wanted.
Accept the difficulties of edifying yourself
And the worth of starting to correct your character.
The triumph of the true man arises from the ashes of his mistakes.
Never complain of your loneliness or your luck.
Face it with courage and accept it.
Somehow, they are the result of your acts and
It shows that you’ll always win.
Don’t feel frustrated of your own failures, neither unload them to someone else.
Accept yourself now or you’ll go on justifying yourself like a child.
Remember that any time is good to start
And that no time is so good to give up.
Don’t forget that the cause of your present is your past,
As the cause of your future will be your present.
Learn from the brave, from the strong,
From who doesn’t accept situations
From who will live in spite of everything.
Think less of your problems and more of your work.
Learn to arise from your pain,
And to be greater than the greatest of your obstacles.
Look at the mirror of yourself and you’ll be free and strong
And you’ll stop being a puppet of circumstances.
For you yourself are your destiny.
Wake up and stare at the sun in the mornings and breathe the sun of dawn.
You’re part of the strength of your life now,
Rise up, fight, walk, be sure and you’ll win in life.
Don’t ever think of ‘fate’
For fate is the excuse of failures.
-Pablo Neruda

not the boss of me.

Word to the wise - this is actor-ey thing, so feel free to disengage if you are not into actor-ey things. If you are into actor-ey things (SquirrelMonk, Jerrsika) feel free to weigh in on this topic.

Here is my two cents on actors giving other actors notes.

DON'T. Unless you're the director, musical director or stage manager...don't.

In Equity ie. Broadway and professional (ie. union shows) it is discouraged, nay grounds for penalization for other actors to be giving notes. Even if advice is requested, you must go through the proper channels. I got all this information from my friend and choreographer Amosing who worked on national tours and New York stages for years. She had an incident, where a fellow dancer had asked her for extra coaching to get through a particularly stressful routine. A stagehand or assistant saw them practicing together and alerted the authorities. The next day, both parties received a cease and desist note. From the stage manager.

Here is why - on a strictly professional level.

1) You do not know whether or not the note will be in line with the director's vision. Say someone tells you to modify blocking, maybe put your hand in front of your thigh instead of on your hip. Or move three beats before you were moving before. Well, you don't know if the director SPECIFICALLY told you to do that. There are things that people see from the audience that the actor never does. Ultimately, the director (and/or stage manager) is the authority. Just because one person thinks your move will make a piece better, it is up to the director to make that decision
2) Actors are sensitive people; you run the risk of making someone self-conscious of their performance and therefore intentionally or unintentionally sabotaging them.
3) As much as we would like to believe that people are good, there ARE people out there who feel like revenge or playing games is more fun than having a good show. Saboteurs are rampant especially in shows where competition runs high.
4) Giving people notes based upon audience opinion is ALWAYS dangerous. We cannot design all of our performances to cater to individual tastes. We must always veer in the direction of truth. And truth is different and individual to the actor.

On a personal basis, it's just arrogant. Who are you-as the actor-to be going around trying to backseat direct? It's manipulative and backhanded, even if meant to be helpful, it's confusing at best. Many actors-more than most, work extremely hard on their performances and find justifications for all of their choices, voice colors and blocking. For you, the watcher, to come in and impose your opinion is insulting to the intelligence of your fellow actor. Seriously, giving notes is akin to unsolicited advice - you need to keep your opinions like your asshole to yourself. You may see it as being helpful, but quite honestly, it just comes off as condescending.

I say this after receiving a note from a fellow cast member tonight, and not even her personally but her friend who saw the show on Saturday who said he couldn't hear a line of mine. Now, while I tried to take volume into consideration, what really concerned me is that
1) the cast member gave me the note in front of 7 other cast members
2) one opinionated actor chimed in with, "Yeah, well, this theater really swallows sound." after I questioned whether or not her friend could have misheard me or mistook me for someone else.

Now to her credit, Cast Member #1 DID ask me if I wanted the note. And initially I said, "Well, in professional theater, you really shouldn't be giving other people notes." and our OpinonatedMiss said, "Well, this isn't professional theater." and seriously?

WTF?

Just because we're in community theater doesn't mean we shouldn't work by professional rules. A lot of us are intending on pursuing more theater. I think OM just wanted to see me taken down a peg. Trust me, she's one of those types of people; she's definitely a founder of a Mean Girls Club in your area. And there are just those people who enjoy getting to see others insulted. Instead of building them up, they're constantly tearing them down in the name of their own self-esteem. It's why these days, when people are constantly sarcastic, unkind and unapologetic, I wonder about the state of their ego.

Listen, not to go about blaming people or whining about poor me, I just offer this public service message: IF you have a serious stage note to offer another actor, the PROPER way to do this is to TELL the director or stage manager. And then let THEM tell the actor. This saves everyone a lot of dignity and also time-especially if you happen to be wrong. Audience members will always have their own opinions, let them have them and take every comment from them with a grain of salt. Don't listen to critics, it is their job to be anal retentive. And if you MUST have an opinion, perhaps it is time for YOU to go into directing.

That's all, have a nice day!

Ethnical and Responsible Behavior for Theater Directors

ahah! Satirical article on topic: An Actor's Resolution

from MiraCosta College:
NOTES : Getting them: Always be gracious, even if you disagree. Say “Thank you” after the director gives you the note, or “May we speak about this later?” if you don’t understand or disagree. The note session is not therapy for your character, but rather a session of quick fixes for MANY elements of the show. Find time for you and the director to solve issues that affect you or your character only.

Giving them: NEVER, (Did you read that?) never give another Actor notes and never allow yourself to receive notes from another Actor. A response could be, “Thanks for your help, but I think it’s best we do this kind of thing through the Stage Manager or Director.” There is no room for flexibility here. Wouldn’t you resent it?

today my washer made me cry.

If you are human, which I'm presuming 99.9% of you are and not a total amnesiac (if in which case, get thee to a hospital, stat!), you will have had at least one song that reminds you of a person, place or time in your life. And a lot of people will have the same song remind them of completely separate times and definitely separate emotions. But if you are like me, you will often think that hearing a specific song on the radio - is a psychic message. Basically, it means that someone is thinking of you and sending it out there.

After reading, 'The Alchemist' about 5 years ago, I started to pay more attention to the things in my life that seemed to occur randomly. Coelho wrote about listening and noticing the omens that reoccur on a daily basis, because they can be keys to your destiny or opportunities that you have to recognize as such. And also that if you ignore your call, really seriously tragic things will happen to you. Which brings me to my confusing sign from god today.

On my way home from work, I turn on the radio and the first song to come up is Incubus', "Wish You Were Here" - which will forever be a song that makes me recall J. (since it's his favorite song) Prior to knowing J., the existence of this song had completely escaped me. But now it has a tendency to bring up nostalgic memories. The most poignant of which is the line, "And in this moment, I am happy." At this point, it has also been a month since I've heard hide or hair from the man. And it seems that this is the way our lives are going to be. Living in the same city, but running in completely separate lines. Directly afterwards, I switch stations and 'I'm Yours' from Jason Mraz comes on. Granted, this is currently a more popular song than the Incubus one- but it still reminds me of the dude who totally blew me off last weekend.

Seriously universe, what is this for? To let me know they're ok, that's great. To remind me of my futile efforts at romance? To make me upset? The universe has a horrid sense of humor that likes to gives you gifts like a wicked dictator. Not until you have completely denied yourself the existence of love/career/children/family/goodness...will it show up. It's like the universe is constantly playing a game of "Ironic, isn't it? You were WRONG."

and my washer made me cry today.
*********************************

Did anyone else watch that bastion of 90s cinema gold, "Three Ninjas" with Victor Wong and three hapa kids - not even full hapa! (full hapa...something is technically wrong with that statement) but like a quarter Chinese - which explains the completely blond kid..uh run on? But yeah, did you guys watch that movie? And remember when Grandpa Egg Shen tells the kids that a true ninja can walk into a room and identify 10 separate ways to kill a person? I remember once telling my dentist that; and mind you, I've known the man since I was about 6 or 7, and having him do a double take. But yes, even today, especially when I'm trying to pass the time - I'll figure out the different ways to kill people when I'm in a room.

Yes, it's morbid. But self-defense right?

later: my review of Coraline

why we need you.

I think what Elephant 6 meant for us is very simple: there’s something pure and infinite in you, that wants to come out of you, and can come out of no other person on the planet. That’s what you’ve got to share, and that’s as real and important as the fact that you’re alive. We were able, at a really young age, to somehow protect each other so we could feel that. The world at large, careerism, money, magazines, your parents, the people at the rock club in your town, other kids, nothing is going to give you that message, necessarily. In fact, most things are going to lead you away from it, sadly. Because humanity is really confused at the moment. But you wouldn’t exist if the universe didn’t need you. And any time I encounter something beautiful that came out of a human somewhere, that’s them, that’s their own soul. That’s just pure, whatever its physicality is, if the person can play piano, if they can’t play piano, if they’re tone deaf, whatever it is, if it’s pure, it hits you like a sledgehammer. It fills up your own soul, it makes you want to cry, it makes you glad you’re alive, it lets you come out of you. And that’s what we need: we desperately need you.
-Julian Koster

Stop the Fatassery!

i sort of wish it were still raining.
cause sleeping and snuggling is best when the rain comes down.

oh my lord, someone stop my fatassery PLEASE?!

Total count:

Friday/Saturday - random buffet items @ CCCT Gala, Dennys @ 2am. (Pancakes, hashbrowns, sausage, over easy eggs) GRANDSLAM! oh and hot chocolate. That is our musical director in the photo - wearing the napkin bib his gf, our director mocked him for wearing. Yes, he IS eating Moons Over My Hammy. With a knife and fork.

Saturday - jook and a sesame ball before leaving house, jook and apple soup upon arrival home

Sunday - (oh god) bacon, eggs and toast breakfast, potato leek soup @ CCCT, green onion pancake, wonton soup, eggroll, eggplant chicken and brown rice @ Yummy Chinese Food (that's the name of the restaurant, not a descriptive narrative)

but WAIT! it gets better

So I TOTALLY forgot that my new boss/advisor was treating us to dinner as a holiday thank you and I drove like a mad woman to Burlingame, and then had - petite filet mignon, mashed potatoes, crab dip + bread @ Kincaid's. On the same night. I am not proud of myself.

Monday - cereal and Emergen-C breakfast, a huge piroshki for lunch, leftover eggplant chicken for dinner.

I swear, this week is going to be all about moderation or not eating anything. Especially since I went for a fitting at Theatreworks today and could barely squeeze into one of the costumes - first of all it had a bustle and I think it was made for someone a might bit smaller than me -but still! Thank goodness everything else fit. Whew!

Do or do not, there is no try.

Sunday rings her siren song. of Patience.

When people tell you that there is all the time in the world, do you believe them? When you think yourself capable of living three lifetimes in the one that you're allotted and it is only limitations of time, space and possibly cash flow that hold you back, what are you afraid of? Maybe it is less the pondering and more the doing that is necessary.

Maybe I just need to make a lolcat or something.
And to stop making these blog posts so serious.

And so I found a state of mind
Where I could be speechless
I had to try it for a while
To figure out this feeling
This felt so right
Pull me upside down to a place
Where you've been waiting
How am I supposed to tell you how I feel
I need oxygen
-Oxygen, Colbie Caillat

Be good to your daughters too

Opening night was awesome, we ran into a couple of snags (dropped lines, tambourine shortage) but overall great. House was about 85% full and everyone who saw the show seemed to like it a lot.

Gala afterwards was fine, simple foods and cupcakes.

Ivey Room might be the most ghetto bar ever on San Pablo. There are CHICKS in there I wouldn't want to mess with. Luckily, it was moderately empty by the time the cast showed up - but we were the whitest group in there. I'm not kidding, we looked like we had gotten lost on the way to Marin or Livermore or something. Some shady stuff was also going down - mostly due to handsy guys who had had too many drinks, but nothing that I wouldn't expect at a normal bar.

Dennys in El Cerrito has the nicest waiters - who will serve you with a smile at 3am.

I got home at 4. And my stupid alarm went off.

Note to men: you cannot TEXT message someone you have a sort of date with on a Friday afternoon of OPENING NIGHT at 4;30 pm to tell them you can't come to the show because you are too tired from your work week. #1 - it is shady as hell (what you got another date?) and #2 TACKY and #3 rude. It's sort of the height of douchebaggery.
that is all I have to say.

Lost in Translation

“ The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you."
— Bill Murray, Lost in Translation (via spaceships)

As far as social trends go, there’s one lately that’s come to my attention but not necessarily in a good way. There’s been a slew of people out there who have come to coin their attitude/personality as “honest”. Speaking their minds, being cranky or using it as a method to “weed” out their real friends is considered a form of “honesty”. When all it is really, is an excuse to be rude. While I agree that censoring your speech shouldn’t really be an everyday habit that I’d encourage, I still think that social niceties – as time consuming as they may be – aren’t as out of place as one would think. I am all for honesty, the way I am all about whipped cream or porn. Everything in moderation.

There are people out there who interpret honesty and mean-spiritedness to be the same thing. The difference between honesty and malignancy is the level of a) how personal you get and b) how often you feel the need to express your opinion. I think about a lot of things in my head, but rarely if ever, unless asked to, do I spout off. And there are a lot of people out there, that – (hey! This is mean!) are self-involved divas, with a lack of understanding and an unwillingness to serve others. There REALLY is a difference between constructive criticism and just being an asshole. The funniest thing is when complete bitches consider themselves sensitive beings. Please, if you’re so sensitive, why do things that purposely put other people down?

Here are my recommendations:

• -Treat others as if they are as sensitive as you are. The sweetest thing someone said to me last night was an apology for having a private conference with a 9 year old. Seriously? If I am going to be offended by a 9 year old, there is something wrong with me. But it was such a generous apology and I found out they were actually plotting something fun. It was sweet.
• -Do unto others. Would you want others to comment negatively on your weight, job (or lack thereof), personality, relationship or personal choices? No? Perhaps rethink your own opinions on the matter. Especially sentences that begin with “My” “I think” etc.
• -For those of my loved ones who have rather loud voices, remember that treating someone as if their issues are confidential and private is always a better choice
• - Remember karma is a bitch. Comparing your personal beliefs, belongings or attributes to others may make you feel good in the moment, but also makes you seem insecure. As Margaret Thatcher once said, “If you have to tell someone you’re a lady, you’re not.”
• -Try not to spread negativity. It only breeds more.
• -Sometimes, it’s not about YOU. Our culture has started to breed a series of self-involved, arrogant and selfish individuals. What are you contributing to others? How are you serving? Instead of foisting your personal opinions on others. Remember to give. Ask, "Is there anything I can do to help?"
• -Listen more, interrupt less. I love to listen, because I learn more. Learning keeps my perspective fresh and open. Listening breeds generosity.

Honesty has it’s time and place. I am a firm believer in honesty. But I want the honesty that comes out of love and affection. The honesty that is born out of wanting to breed stronger, deeper relationships and not the insecure need to prove that you are somehow better than the other person. Temper your honesty with responsibility. When you are sure and strong in your position, you don’t need to prove anything to anyone.

From virtualaffirmations on honesty:

Finally I would like to remind you to be kind and to always bring your truth from a loving place. Too often I have seen truth used in other ways, used like a weapon, wielded self-righteously like a sword and causing misery and havoc to all around. If you have found your honesty and your truth, you will also have learnt many other spiritual tools to help you cope with some of the difficulties that arise when you confront it. Remember that many of those around you will not be equipped with these advantages, so tread carefully. Not lying is not the same as thrusting your truth on everyone around. Stay honest with yourself, be honest with others and always come from a loving place.