Block 3: Loyalty

Loyalty: "Be true to yourself. Be true to those you lead."

loy·al·ty
   /ˈlɔɪəlti/ Show Spelled[loi-uhl-tee] Show IPA
–noun, plural -ties.
1.the state or quality of being loyal; faithfulness to commitments or obligations.
2.faithful adherence to a sovereign, government, leader, cause, etc.
3.an example or instance of faithfulness, adherence, or the like: a man with fierce loyalties.

In these quickly changing times, we've shown little to no deference or care for others. Look around you, do you see yourself or the masses taking consideration for others? Haste makes waste, and in this culture of bigger, better, FASTER taking the lead in the name of competition - we often forget and disregard the people who can't keep up.

And for what?

To have more time.

But time to do what? Spend more hours surfing the internet, watching television or shopping?

Loyalty to a cause, whether it be a team, family, business or network of friends is worthy of your time. We tend to drop people or jobs or spouses at at every opportune moment. We call in sick or show up late, because the culture of big business has shown us that they'll abuse every opportunity. But think about the businesses that have made it big.

Loyalty, to some, shows a lack of killer instinct. Outdated. Ancient. I say that it is a long-forgotten, respectful trait that shows more about the character of a person, friend, employee or lover than quite possibly anything else. While not often pointed out, that friend that you can always count on in the middle of the night means more to me than any flash in the pan with money or false friends. Someone you can count on, rely on to support you in any instance - someone that can give you the opportunity to pursue something else because they've got your back? Priceless.

Let's look at Facebook for example. Four years ago, in 2006 - Yahoo made a bid to merge with Facebook. They wanted to add the popular social network to their properties, and in doing so gaining a ton of users, ISP addresses and value to their already huge network. But founder and CEO, Mark Zuckerberg refused. Call it foresight, or call it greed, but today Facebook is an enormous machine and Zuckerberg is a billionaire.

All because he believed in a product and an idea.

From personal experience, the Facebook team has some of the most stringent and tight security around personal identity. Few applications ever earn the Facebook stamp of approval and their team works constantly to close loopholes and limit public information used by advertising. All in the name of customer loyalty. Zuckerberg and the other Facebook investors could have taken the easy road; accepted the cash and ran to private Caribbean islands. But they didn't. They know that the only reason their social networking site has survived the Friendster/MySpace/Bebo counter culure crash because it realized its core customer, the average user, had to come before big business and before advertising dollars. Making Facebook the Ivory Tower Business model of the Millenium Interwebs.

Tons of stories have emerged in the recent year about Zuckerberg. He is not a "nice" man. He is a defensive man. Probably arrogant, definitely intelligent. Doesn't blink during interviews. And yet, he has had the same girlfriend since college. Wears the same grey hoodie day in and day out. Could care less about the worldly trappings his money could afford him than the lack of distrations he possesses. His life, is pretty much the small circle he keeps around him whom he trusts implicitly and then his work.

And did you know it's impossible to block Zuckerberg from your friends list? True story.

3. Call Yourself a Teacher

What do you call yourself on a regular basis? Daughter? Friend? Co-worker?

When you call yourself a teacher, what does that mean to you?

• Accountability: you are now responsible for someone else's education. You have the charge of guiding someone without knowledge into a field or study where they will learn what you know.
• Humility: you will learn things that you don't know through your students whom you think do not know
• Responsibility: you will have to learn to reap the consequences of what you will teach your students
• Confidence: in order to teach, you must feel secure in your skills and knowledge
• Diligence: you cannot submit to teaching a lesson once. As a wise person once said, "A teacher is someone who says one thing, many times."
• Wisdom: not just knowledge but the insight to read others, to know when is the right time to learn and how your students learn best. Some by study, some by experience.

Block 2: Friendship

Today's Building Block of the Pyramid of Success : Friendship

Wooden's quote: "Strive to build a team filled with camaraderie and respect: comrades in arms."

When we go through life, it is most often our peers that we feel the closest to. They are the people we mostly closely relate to, the ones who we share things in common with. They may come from different backgrounds and even be of different ages - but they have fundamental element that we must learn from and also who we can teach. The friends we keep are the ones that grow with us, and the best way to grow is to create things together.

We want to know that our team has our back. And that each one is doing their best to bolster the other and tell them right from wrong. They are the people that know us best; the ones who know when we're tired and the ones who know when we still have some fight left inside of us. There is a reason a battalion of soldiers will feel closer to the guys in their unit; sometimes more than to their wives, children or families. A shared experience, knowing that people will protect you and challenge you - no matter what is a level of accountability not many people share with each other. Make it your job to bolster and hold friends accountable, comfort and laugh with them and support them with love....

Leadership Lesson: Love is the most powerful four letter word

We use so many four letter words in every day life; four letter words are considered the strongest verbal and linguistic expression that human beings having. The next level would be a scream or a yell. It is pure emotion expressed in a single sound. Anger. Frustration. Triumph. Every cell in your body vibrates and is senses are heightened when you curse. It is a way of using sound to project your feelings.

So why not love?

The Pyramid of Success: Day 1 - Industriousness and Values

It's been a crazy week; rain has been creating a bit of office cabin fever. Two layoffs of two great friends in two days. Needless to say, I am going to miss the both of them a lot. They added so much to my personal team. And yet...it all moves. Forward. There's no use in just sitting around or ruminating on the past. There is only a thrust forward, to keep going.

I recently described my job to Heck as: being nosy, gossipy and scatterbrained.

No really, being an office manager doesn't mean being focused on one task, it's about being hyper aware of all the little things going on in your peripheral environment. As Suezq used to way, "Penny has big ears." which meant that even though I was working on something, I could always pick up on the conversations going on around me. This was a pretty useful trait to pick up when I was a kid. It meant that I could read in relative solitude, until called upon to do something else like answer a math problem. Gossip and asking investigative questioning leads to the real reasons behind something or can help you pick up on larger social cues.

I'm not encouraging gossip; in fact I'm not a huge fan. But sometimes, a rumor can actually lead someone to be curious enough to find out the truth.

So naturally, when I'm crossing the suite to get the answer to a question or for a meeting, I'll often run across things that peak my interest. For the last month or so, my co-worker QoA has had this diagram up on his screen as his wallpaper:
Finally got around to asking him about it today. And it turns out it's this: the Pyramid of Success by legendary UCLA basketball coach (he coached Kareem Abdul-Jabbar), John Wooden.

"The Pyramid contains fifteen habits that Mr. Wooden's players developed through daily basketball practice. The foundation is "industriousness," then "friendship, loyalty, cooperation, and enthusiasm;" in short, the foundation of the Pyramid is the knowledge that life, like basketball, is a team game. "The main ingredient in stardom," Mr. Wooden told his players, "is the rest of the team."

The pyramid of success that Wooden created, became not only a mantra and base on which to build great teams, it also became the basis for Wooden's secondary role as lifecoach to the many athletes that came within his radius. And I started to think, just like any great sports team, a great company should play by the same rules. And any great relationship that you want to have and grow into something that goes out there and does something fantastic. But what do each of the blocks of the pyramid mean and additionally, each of the 12 lessons of leadership?

So more as of an exercise for myself, I've decided for the next 15 days to look at each of Wooden's principles and try to lay them out as lessons for work, family and everyday life (who knows if I'll be successful, it's just an experiement)

Today's Building Block of the Pyramid of Sucess (yes, I really did say that): Industriousness

Initially I was thrown by this one. I mean, when I think industriousness, I think just work. Continuous, non stop work. Being the ant and putting away little grains of rice day after day instead of playing like the grasshopper. But what industriousness also relates to, I believe, is a consistency of habit.

Q: What is industriousness?
A: in·dus·tri·ous (n-dstr-s)

adj.

1. Assiduous in work or study; diligent. See Synonyms at busy.

2. Obsolete Skillful; clever.

also:

industriousness - persevering determination to perform a task; "his diligence won him quick promotions"; "frugality and industry are still regarded as virtues" diligence, industry determination, purpose - the quality of being determined to do or achieve something; firmness of purpose; "his determination showed in his every movement"; "he is a man of purpose" assiduity, assiduousness, concentration - great and constant diligence and attention sedulity, sedulousness - the quality of being constantly diligent and attentive studiousness - diligent study

Too often during my day, I'll catch myself creating diversions that impede my industriousness: logging into blogs, shopping sites, Facebook and email. The beautiful thing about my current position is that I've nurtured my role into something that is almost completly independent. I am rarely waiting on anyone else to fulfill the tasks that I need to do, which means - gratefully - I get to pursue them at my own pace. Now, there are definitely a lot of them, but I've gotten to the point where I've been able to prioritize as long as I don't succumb to distrations.

One of the best, elementary habits I've found to fostering my industriousness is just keeping a list. Sometimes, when I'm overwhelmed, I'll lock myself into a conference room for 20 minutes or so, not look at email or anything else, and just LIST out the tasks I have to or want to accomplish that day.

Another key to industriousness, constantly reminding oneself that there are other things to be done. Taking breaks is fantastic in theory, but in order for those breaks to be well earned, actual work has to be done as well.

Don't be afraid to turn on the busy sign on your work IM or ignore emails/texts for an hour or so. Something that in theory is "high importance" rarely has to be responded to immediately. People are often enough away from their desks to have items that are delivered

At the end of the day, don't be afraid to somehow count up all your accomplishments for the day as well. Taking stock of what you've done is just as important as tallying up all the things to be done. And will let you end the day on a high note.

Leadership Lesson: Good values attract good people.

When I joined my current company, my friend and supervisor told me, "You know, even though I think it's cheesy, I live by this mantra. I am constantly striving for excellence."

Even though I wasn't sure, at the time, I could relate - the fact that Knapster could be so open and candid about how she views her life and role really stuck with me. She's been a great model to follow at work; thoughtful, organized, detailed, doesn't take things personally and gratefully, direct. Even though I feel I have my own take on how I handle office management (which has a tendency to be more sassy/snappy/snarky), it's a constant reminder of an ideal to hold myself up to. And her good influence has rubbed off on me.

In life, one should hope to meet the people that make them want to be a better person. I remember when I met the one person in my life that I could not lie to or be jealous when other people wanted his attention. It sort of changed my thinking and my choices ever since.

In life, there's an idiom says that, "like attracts like." This doesn't mean that blondes are attracted to other blondes, more often it means that common interests and values will create relationships around them. So it's in your best interest to cultivate interests, morals and choices that you want to have in the people around you. Honest, forthright and noble people rarely attract the people who are crafty or sneaky. Be the person you want to attract. Eventually your life will become surrounded with the people who are most like you.

Joe-Joes...the holiday fatfest begins.

Holiday foods are not something that I personally think should be available only from November 1st through January 5th, and then sequestered the rest of the year. It must irritate the peppermint, gingerbread and eggnog industry that their products are only in season for like two months every year. Especially when there are people like me that would eat them year round. Right now I am concerned if I bring my Peppermint Mocha Coffeemate to work that it will be gone by end of day because it is such a novelty. Eggnog and Pumpkin Spice Latte season definitely add about 1-1/2 lbs to my rear end every year because I cannot stay away from delicious holiday flavors. If they had a turkey and stuffing on cranberry bagel option at Noah's (I'm so full of good ideas) I'd be all over it. Warm toffee gingerbread pudding at Starbucks? I'll buy it. Though I draw the line at anything shaped like a turkey. Or pilgrim.

So today's purchase, an entire box of Candy Cane Joe-Joes (made in a moment of sheer, "I had a overwhelming day, I will buy these and make myself happy") while delicious, are also quite dangerous when it comes to weight gain. But opening up the box, filled with delicious, fresh cookies and then discovering a unopened quart of milk made me come up with the following idea. Eat three cookies then fill the rest of my stomach with healthy and filling milk. Easy peasy. It's easy to see why people get obcessive about these cookies. First of all, the chocolate wafer is mint flavored, then the filling has little bits of crunchy candy in it. Simple yet yummy.

I also enjoy that my posting on the Book of Face regarding my new box of Candy Cane Jo-Joes has gotten more responses in 1 hour than a week's worth of other status updates. Mostly from people affirming their love of the peppermint candy faux-reo, but also, did you know:

-There are chocolate covered Candy Cane Jo-Joes? (link is to an Oreo VS. Joe-joe survey which I think is pretty bogus; there is nothing more worthless than a chocolate covered SQUISHY cookie. Props to TJs for figuring out a way to keep their wafers crispy.)





There is a Candy Cane Joe-Joe ICE CREAM? And a Facebook "Like" Page?

Good lord, this season is going to kill me. In fact, I've already tried some preemptive measures in order not to devour the entire box of cookies. Such as a post-it encouraging my roommates to eat them (in moderation of course). But the funniest thing I've encountered today was my revelation that the reason they're called Joe-Joes isn't only because the name 'Oreo' is trademarked but also because they're from TRADER JOE'S.

Not my finest moment, I promise you.

Just like Greta Garbo

I am not a party girl.

Or let me be more specific, I am not a RANDOM, let's do this all the time, I love people Party Girl. There is nothing that makes me want to stay home more than the thought of trying to walk into a room full of people and try to impress them.

I'm shy.

And let me qualify this for the people that have seen me work a room. When I am essentially, "The Hostess" - I have no reason to be shy. Hypothetically, I have the best opener in the room, "This is my party, who are you?" I know where things are, like the coat closet, bathroom and fridge. I can tell you where the nearest ATM is, who is single and that the dark haired guy in the corner would love for you to talk with him about Harry Potter- cause he is a big fan. Basically, when I'm hosting, I'm in charge. And I like being in charge. This goes for a ton of things; when I'm producing - I'm in charge. When I'm at the house of a very dear or close friend, I'm in charge. When I'm at my own house, I'm in charge etc. ad infinit.

So, why are there parties I don't like? Because parties with a ton of people that I don't know, don't give me a lot of opportunities to feel a) safe or b) comfortable. Take the Jerry cast party for example. I spent a lot of time finding smaller groups of people to hang out with. Or one other person for that matter. The people that get that I don't talk all the time. That parties make me a little tired because my focus is pulled in 80 different directions. I'm pointedly awkward when I'm just not sure where I stand. Even though I felt about %85 comfortable at that party, there were moments I was totally not comfortable with. Like when two of the band guys tried to have a conversation with me.

So tonight, when I got home, my neighbor was headed out to walk his dog. He's had a rough year for which I totally feel sympathy, but I could also feel him angling for an invitation to chat. Tonight, I am super excited to have a very clean apartment all to myself, because tomorrow I will be seeing a Cal game with Sex and then having a dinner with a friend at night. But tonight, I wanted quiet. I know I've talked a lot about being an introvert, and I hope y'all aren't tired of these posts. But I think it's because I go back and forth a lot about being more social and outgoing. But really, what's so wrong with staying in? Huh?

Now leave me alone. hee.

w.o.r.k.

Two posts, one day!

You lucky dogs. But I keep reading stuff that is awesome. Like this article from Fast Company.com: What Should I Do With My Life Now?

“Don’t tell me you don’t know what you want from your life. Don’t ever say that, don’t ever fool yourself into that stupor. Of course you know what you want — you know the feeling you desire — fulfillment, connection, responsibility, and some excitement. The real problem is figuring out how to get it — how to find a path that doesn’t suffocate those natural feelings in you. Which is hard. Of course it’s hard. It’s supposed to be hard. If it weren’t hard, you wouldn’t learn anything along the way, and thus you would never get there. If you don’t know how to make the best of a bad situation, you will never get there. If you are not willing to put up with some shit work, you will never recognize that a good opportunity is staring you in the face. If you are not willing to be humble and repeatedly be a beginner in new areas and learn the details faster than the next guy, you are not capable of transformation.”

I LOVE this part of the article too

4. The Fallacy of Intrinsic Fit. There is this notion around calling that you should love the mere act of what you do every day so much that by virtue of it just being Monday morning and you're at your job, the act of doing it causes neurotransmitters of joy to drip on your brain all day. That is not how real people do it. All jobs have shit work. All jobs have things you hate about them. But real people feel fulfilled by the overall purpose of their organization that the shitty parts are worth putting up with. It's not what you do, it's what you're working towards.

This makes me want to tell that group of 20 something hipster douchebags to suck it. When you work, you work. I want to print it out and hand it to every single person sitting on their ass at Delores Park. Or homeless on Haight Street.

Or people that whine. You know.

the interwebs...

HA!

Just reserved my about.me URL name. aint nobody getting my screen name bizzitches. Read more about it on Maggie Mason's website: Mighty Girl
hollah.

What would your about.me page say?

APW is a Bay Area producer, designer, voice-over artist, actor, singer and playwright (or at least a budding one). She holds a degree in Architecture from UC Berkeley. By day she is a mild mannered Operations Assistant at an internet movie company, by night a fierce denizen of the stage.
She is a founding member of the East Bay theater company, Temescal Labs and writes about SF life on her blog, 'Pentemporary'. Alexis worked for 6 years in the Architectural Industry, designing and creating construction documents for 'Habitat for Humanity'.
Alexis lives in SF as part of the Potrero Hill housing group, "The Gay, the Straight and the Girl".

**************************
Industry speak:
Pen: so I was listening to the radio this morning and basically heard that Zuck*erb3rg is a dick.
Hex: Yeah, I mean, he has this reputation as being pretty conservative and very clipped...you should ask JR - he met him
JR: (comes over) What?
Hex: You met the Zuck right?
JR: oh yeahhh...
Pen: I heard he's kind of a dick.
JR: That's a really good way of putting it.
Pen: When did you meet him?
JR: Oh me and Wrap had a meeting about the instant personalization thingie. Yeah, he was doing all sorts of weird power trip stuff. Like standing when everyone else was sitting...that sort of thing.
Pen: Next time, you guys should just bring a girl with you.
JR: Wow.
Hex: Hey...you know that's not such a bad idea.
Pen: Totally. He won't know what to do. I think he's probably just awkward and trying to hide it.
JR: We have plenty of actors here... Pen: See?

this is why I get paid the big bucks people. Your Friendly Local Psychological Manipulator.

Chopsticks

This is absolutely fabulous. I guarantee you, if someone installed these on our stairs, I would be taking them every day!



I've been toying with the 30DLBL, don't you worry, but I've definitely fallen behind. But in other news, we opened "Jerry" to incredible reviews and audiences. I've had an EPIC weekend. And am looking forward to doing it for five more...

Here we go!

Fail. Fail better.

my uber-religious uncle just said he was coming to Jerry Springer. on Facebook.

O.M.G.

I sort of had to warn him off. Unless he was planning on coming with a placard and a busload of protestors. In which case, that would be totally AWESOME.



I have no history or neat story to tell with this scene from Jack and Bobby. I just came home to my roommate watching this scene. I really, really wish someone had given me this talk before I started college. Or even in high school



Good evening. I want to welcome you tonight to... a renaissance.

For some of you this night marks a return to your college life, for some of you a new beginning. And so, upon the eve of the tremendous journey upon which you are all embarking, I'd like to offer you a thought to take with you. Listen carefully: you will fail here. All of you. College is not the culmination of your high school career. It is the beginning of your adult life. Only it is a slow sweet beginning that feels nothing like what life and all the attending obligations will eventually bring. So fail here... This is your chance.

Do things you know you can't do, or think you can't do but hope in your deepest most secret hidden heart that you can.

Be bad at things. Be embarrassed. Be vulnerable. Go out on a limb. Or two. Or twelve.

The harder you fall, the farther you'll rise. And the louder you fail, the clearer the distant bell of your future will ring. Failure is a gift. Welcome it. There are people who spend their lives wondering how they became the people they became, how certain chances passed them by and why they didn't take the road less traveled. Those people are not you.

You have the front-row seat to your own transformation. And in transforming yourself, you might just transform the world. Believe that, and embrace the new person you're becoming. This is your moment. Now. Not ten minutes from now, not tomorrow, really now. Know that, truly in your bones, and wake up each morning remembering it. And then keep going. _

30DLBL - Day 2

Hey Guys, still haven't finalized my action plan for Day 1 - too many things going on both at work and in my social life...but I thought I'd get started on the task for Day 2 (for what I'm doing, definitely click on the link below)

30DLB Day 2 - What's your Ideal Life?

• Business / Career / Studies – What are you doing? What achievements and results do you want to create? How big is your business/career? (If you’ve a business, will it be international?)

I work best when I am a vital part of a team working towards creating a large standing project. A school or theater company. I would love to be doing something creative. Both visualizing projects and producing them. Development Director for a Theater Company or equally creative company - helping to find new works, presenting them to investors in the best light, promoting and writing grants for a project while having a good sensible handle on financials and helping to move a group of people towards a shared artistic vision. I want to do at least 5 big shows a year with smaller plays and black box musicals inbetween. I want to be able to pay my house and stage managers a good salary and give actors a decent stipend (that will pay for two month's worth of rent at least)

Or I'd love to be an artist at Pixar. Drawing and creating characters or doing voiceovers for a piece of work that will be seen and cherished would be a fantastic dream as well as working with a ton of creative, interesting people that I respect. And working in that building with people who just love life seems awesome. I mean, it must be great to wake up every day and say, "Today I'm going to my Awesome Work."

• Finance/Wealth – How much money will you be earning? What property do you live in? What material possessions will you have?

I'll be earning enough each year to put away money for retirement, my kids and at least two big vacations a year. We'll live in a 6 bedroom house (of course one or two of them might be an office) house with a lush and verdant backyard, with plants and a vegetable garden and fruit trees and possibly a duck pond. With a view of a valley or tucked away in a glen surrounded by large trees. It might be urban. My friend SS has a great house in the Marina. It's three floors, with a recording studio on the bottom and a hot tub in the backyard. And a huge kitchen. And it's just him and his wife. I mean...woah.

I'd like to find serenity and to be able to live with things that are made well, but not purchase anything for the label value. I would love to have a grand piano (Steinway), guitars, and a recording studio I know how to use. I would like to live comfortably but within my means.

• Health/Fitness – How is your fitness level? How do you look? What is your diet like? How is your health?

My fitness level is pretty good; I'm swimming, biking and playing badminton regularly and still walking to work. I look healthy and happy. I am getting enough rest, seeing the right doctors. My diet is filled with fruits, veggies and good fresh foods.

• Social/Friends – How is your social circle like? What are the kind of friends you are with?

My social circle has gotten smaller but more intimate. The friends in my circle understand and respect me. I adore and admire them. We inspire each other to do more and to grow. We laugh and play together all the time. We go hiking, camping and are silly together in the most random of situations. Our conversations could go on for days and we are infinitely fascinating to the other.

• Family – What are you doing with your family? How often do you meet them?

I meet my family at least once every two weeks for dinner or an event. I see my brother weekly and my parents about the same amount. We are content with our relationships to one another.

• Romance/Love – (if you’re single) What is your ideal partner? How is he/she like? What do you love about him/her? Do you have kids? How many? How are they like?

My husband - because marriage is key - is slightly older, thoughtful, artistic, respectful, gentle and laughs at all of the same things I do. He is goofier than me, likes to make me laugh and likes to wash dishes and take out the trash. He is good looking, taller and kind. He has aspirations that include me and kids. He is loyal and while he may think other women are good looking - he has no desire to stray. He is noble and works out, but also eats everything and anything I cook. We go for long hikes and bike rides together. We would rather talk or just read together rather than watch tv. He is respectful to others and protective of us. He is a teacher, engineer, or manager of some kind. He supports my dreams and I his. We love that each of us strives to be a better person because of the other. When other people speak of them, they speak of him with respect, care and love for a good man. We have two kids; a girl who is sweet, lanky, slighly awkward, smart and thoughtful. A boy who is funny, caring, wise and generous.

• Recreation – What do you do for recreation? What hobbies do you want to pursue?

I'll continue to do theater, professionally and recreationally. I'd like to pursue playwriting and more producing. I want to take up sewing, badminton (with Kat), possibly climbing, and travelling to: Spain, Bali, Thailand, India and a ton of those crazy natural oddity places.

• Contribution – What will you be doing socially? How will you be giving back to the world / helping others?

Coaching kids for life - through voice and acting. Volunteer as a family at least once a month; soup kitchen, Habitat, animal shelter, helping to set up a program or teach reading.

• Personal Growth – How will you be pursuing your personal growth? What will you be learning, growing?

Will learn not to let other people's personal energy affect my own. Will have a handle on my view of life and moving forward. Will take each day as it comes and get better at listening as well as teaching. Will become less self-centered and hopefully more open to giving time and energy to other people. By not playing the blame or guilt game with others, will open up self to better relationships. Instead of shutting people out or ignoring them, will gently and truly listen to their requests. Will be the strong yet vulnerable leader that wil guide others to a better way of thinking and acting.

• Spiritual – How connected will you be with the world? How will you be pursuing your spiritual interests?

Spirituality comes through interacting with others. Will work on interacting better with others and finding the spirituality in those places. Meditate daily. Read and Write daily and sing. Sing all the time. Dance and be funny and generous with everyone around me.

1. Your ideal life should meet your 4 core needs. For more details, read the exercise I wrote in an earlier article.
   1. Body (physical needs)
   2. Mind (mental needs)
   3. Heart (emotional needs)
   4. Soul (spiritual needs)

30DLBL - Day 1

Well, just finished Task One of the 30DLBL...

In order to be fully participatory, I've decided to post all of my results on this blog. I'll probably be posting my quirky/funny/introspective/foodie stuff as well inbetween, so keep an eye out for those. I also realize that tech for 'Jerry Springer the Opera' starts this week. So gods be merciful and grant me: patience, good humor, rest, faith and hard work.

Part of the reason I decided to participate in Celestine's challenge is that one of my fatal flaws is follow through. I'll often start a task, hobby or chore with a great deal of enthusiasm only to have it dwindle days or even hours later. I've realized that a certain amount of accountability helps me work best. I've also realized my natural tendency to follow a strong and distinctly parental authority figure also keeps me on task. Time to change that. If I can't be disciplined by myself, then there's no way my dad's going to keep doing it for me.

Having a place where I can do a daily morning check in with tons of others participating helps. To read about today's task/topic go here. 30DLBL: Day 1 - Your Life Wheel

My results: (1 being lowest, 10 being highest)
Business/Career: 4
Finance/Wealth: 6.5
Health/Fitness: 8
Social/Friends: 10
Family: 5
Romance/Love: 1
Recreation/Fun: 9
Contribution: 2
Personal Growth: 8
Spiritual: 5

I based my self-scoring around some tangible facts. My Finance/Wealth score is higher than my career one for example because I can pay my rent, bills and also go out to eat in the same week and I don't have any debt. But my career such as it is, has stagnated. I'm not sure I feel enthusiastic about Finance in the same way I do Personnel Management or Production. Health/Fitness - I gave myself some snaps for taking up swimming in the last week. I will have to purchase a year round pass when the 7 Day Free trial is up.
Recreation/Fun and Social scored very high. I spend most evenings at rehearsal and when not there, at a class or dining out with friends. Katty and I almost got to play a round of badminton this weekend. As far as personal growth...well, it seems obvious that doing 30DLBL definitely falls into that category, but today was also spent listening to a free MIT lecture, reading a manifesto about changing the world and also writing two blog posts.

Family and Spiritual fell into pretty average areas, but I don't always feel compelled to see my family. Spirtually, I could be doing better. I haven't been to church in a while and I could start going again once this weekend of craziness is over.

But lets look at the low scores shall we?

Romance/Love: This one is pretty obvious. The 'Stache and I called it quits in April and since then I've been all quiet on the man front. Of course stepping straight into both 'Barnum' and 'Jerry(SpringertheOpera)' while great for helping me get over the hurt, aren't as conducive to actually dating. So the score here is pretty dang low; I have not been hit on, flirted with or even close to being asked out (unless we count the Nose...who is now in a relationship)

Contribution: This one is also fairly obvious. One of the things I admired about the 'Stache was his commitment to tutoring kids. For Bagel it was his dedication to his faith and doing things with his church, oh yeah, there was that whole curing cancer thing too. But not just in the guys I date. I admire so many of my friends for contributing time or money to good causes. Some of them do pro bono work or just spend time helping out. I feel very selfish in that many of the things I do, I do just for me.

Right now, reflecting on these is enough for me. I'm going to finish up with the Action Plan tomorrow morning. Sleep is a big part of me making up for some of the discrepancies on the wheel.

Night!

30DLBL...

Oh whoops! almost forgot - today is the first day of 30 days to live a better life via Celestine Chua's Personal Excellence Blog.

30DLBL - ok, already wrote my personal statement and the next step is to go home and conquer that Life Wheel
**************************************

But in related cool stuff:
How to Become a Better Writer (via the Creamy Middles) - article/blog written by actual literary agent. LOVE THIS!

ONLINE FREE COLLEGE COURSES @ MIT - Totes Awesome
MIT has free online course lecture notes and mp3s and streaming video of lectures! Why pay for an Ivy League education - get some of it online for free! (Yes, I am this much of a nerd)

Feeling and Imagination in Art/Science/Technology (Lecture Notes)
Management Communication for Undergraduates

Closet case.

The Visible Wardrobe - YES!! (courtesy of Already Pretty)

I am a firm believer in the visible wardrobe. (oh how I wish mine looked like that picture...sigh) Unlike the very wealthy or very lucky, I do not have the luxury of a walk in closet. But there is definitely a benefit to keeping everything wearable you own within visual range. Why?

-Even the best of us forgets what we have. So we end up wearing the same things over and over again, week after week. Thus craving variety, we'll go out shopping. Then load up our closets, forget what we own and start on the never ending cycle. Seeing what you own can often inform you as to what you DON'T have. Right now, I don't have a good lightweight jacket that works well in casual situations. I also do not have enough socks, way too many blue shirts and a dearth of blouses and blazers.

-What's easier? Grabbing a sweater or pair of pants hanging on a chair? Or digging through the back of your closet where the pants are tucked into a bin? Yeah...

-Having a visible wardrobe doesn't mean that you put everything out in the open, but by glancing quickly at a drawer or shelf, it helps organize you faster and better and gets you dressed more quickly. Leaving you time to style your hair or get to your party faster.

Think of it as the difference between shopping at Forever 21 and shopping at the Gap. (or Uniqlo) Forever 21 is "forever" (ahah, puntastic) styling mannequins with items that are not immediately around it, forcing the shopper to search high and lo for an item on display. (hoping to entice you to buy more) Forever 21 also crams each of its racks and sections with a myriad of different choices. Disorientating and forcing a curious shopper to regard each one. Nothing is displayed by color or type, but rather as "style" so all of the "party dresses" are in the same area. Casual shirts, work shirts, party shirts, and t-shirts are all displayed by what "genre" of person you are.

At the Gap - all of the t-shirts of the same style are arranged together, color coded by size. It's easy to find a blue, v-neck, tshirt at the Gap. It also goes without saying that someone stepping into the Gap is looking for simple, American casual basics. But shop at Forever 21? You'd better be a slightly schitzophrenic, genre based shopper. Who are you trying to be today? Punk? Grunge? Flower Child? Executive? If you're OCD, you probably need to shop at the Gap. Forever 21 might send you to the Funny Farm. So do you want to spend 3 hours getting ready or just 10 minutes?

-Believe it or not, a well organized shelf can act as a piece of room decor. I love looking over at my shirts and seeing items arranged by color. I also have my necklaces hanging from thumbtacks on a cork board. Guaranteed, these are the necklaces that get the most wear. It makes me really happy and feeling like I'm organized and efficient. On the other end of the spectrum, seeing a messy shelf with shirts spilling out reminds me to stop and take a minute to regroup.

-Visibility doesn't just go for clothes or shoes. I recently rescued a discarded rolly cart with clear plastic drawers with tops that snap closed and filled it with art supplies. Now I can see a lifetime's worth of pastels, watercolors, colored pencils and tools that remind me that an artistic sensibility deserves to be used.

-But Pen, you ask, how do I keep EVERYTHING within visual range? Well, I mean, do it sensibly. I have a dresser, a shelf, a closet and large, clear (important) plastic bins for my skirts, party tops and some scarves. As mentioned before, necklaces are hung out in the open on thumbtacks. Drawers are organized by color, mostly.

I am also a firm believer in a bi-yearly closet purge. I generally try to do it once a quarter. Not only is this good for really discarding items are taking up space, that don't fit you or your lifestyle any longer or could go to a new home; but it's also good for the soul. Admit it, getting rid of things leaves you less tied to the earth, a little freer. A lot of artists prefer to work in huge loft spaces - not because they're trendy (ok, well, they are trendy) but because having a lot of open space gives your creative edge room to grow and stretch. Try clearing your desk or workspace of everything. Put it on the floor or the bed. Then slowly, only start to replace the things that you use. The rest, put away in a box or garbage can until they're needed.

Uovo Amore

Oh the plethora of self love on the interwebs is amazing! We oftentimes don't spend as much time loving ourselves as criticizing ourselves. Our lives center around improvement and getting ahead. But then, who knows you better than yourself? Where is your internal "Snaps Cup"? When you stop to really, REALLY look at your life, at the end of the day you want to be able to go to bed and say.

"You did good today. And you'll do better tomorrow."

I'm not talking about building yourself up in order to prep for something hard ahead like an interview or review or opening night. I'm talking about a genuine contentment, for being something great. Have you ever noticed that the things you do the best are NOT the things you never set out to do in order to BECOME something? Many times, the things you are good at are the things that you LIKE to do. And you naturally become good at them, not because you set out to be great; but being more knowledgeable made it more fun for you.

Some of the best writing I've found recently on the web on the topic of self-love:
Already Pretty's Case for Self Love

People love you. They do, and they always will. But in the end, you must be your own champion. The only person who can truly teach the world about your marvelous, sensual, graceful, unique, lovely, and undeniably beautiful self is YOU. When you believe you’re beautiful, the world believes right along with you.
Loving yourself is hard. It’s work. It’s never-ending and there are a thousand forces working against your success. But believe me when I say it is worth the effort. You are worth the effort. Put that effort forth and you will be dazzled by the world of opportunity that unfolds before you.

And Gala Darlings' Stop the Madness!

Until we can all learn to accept & EMBRACE our bodies as the FLAWED MIRACLES that they are, this nonsense will continue. As long as you buy tabloids which speculate about celebrity weight gain or loss, we are all suckers. As long as you participate in “body snark”, discuss the appearance of other people, or give a crap about what size pants you wear, you are totally & 100% buying into it!
The bottom line: if you don’t let people know that their behaviour won’t be tolerated, nothing will change. Set an example! It’s easy to say you’ll do these things, but when you step away from your computer, will you make those changes in the real world? I’m going to start right now.

Radical self-hate is bullshit, & standing by & being a silent witness to it is almost as bad.

So get to know yourself. Really dig in there. Remember when Julia Roberts in "Runaway Bride" would change her egg preference based upon the man she was dating? And she finally sat down with a bunch of different eggs to figure out how she actually liked them? I think a lot of us are constantly caught up in this swing. As an actor, I'm asked to play a lot of different roles, so it behooves me to be flexible. But in real life, we are most drawn to the others around us that make genuine, sure choices.

How do you like your eggs?

my life is never boring.

I'm finding it interesting that I have to reconcile the fact that I am performing in "Jerry Springer - the Opera" in September/October and my uncle just liked:

JESUS IS LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! if you know this is true press like. :) on ♥.

on Facebook. BTW, his son is my cousin who is currently engaged to a transgender woman (born a man) currently going through the hormone/surgery process to become fully transexual. And my uncle is the black sheep of our California liberal family.

my life...is never boring.

The view from here.

Alright, enough Debbie Downer for now. The new greatest thing is not to bitch about my issues, but find out a way to deal with them and even to make them (gasp!) pleasurable or at least learning experiences. After all...it's just work.

Modern American society tells us to value work and to constantly be wracking our brains about our jobs - even when the day is over. It's no wonder that our focus has turned from our family and community to our jobs. And why places like Google thrive - they have essentially tapped into the human need for family by creating it at work. Now, if you work at huge megaplexes like Pixar (which I love, don't get me wrong) or Google, you never even have a need to leave work. You can do everything short of getting a good night's sleep at work. Conglomerates find it an essential part of overall planning to provide: gyms, childcare, healthy nutritious affordable food, and transportation as well as retirement and health plans. It takes us back to the days when your father was a carpenter, so you were a carpenter and therefore your children would be carpenters. This artificial fabrication of family is our modern American kibbutz; these days woe to the person who does not socialize with their co-workers outside the office and fie on anyone who treats the work day as a work day.

It's no wonder that people sometimes go postal when they get laid off or fired. I mean, you might as well have disowned them Don Corleone style. This can also make many office events feel contrived and geared towards creating connection - or as the 'Stache used to call it, "mandated fun, wheee!"

Via my galpal Elly: from the Worry Isn't Work (Harvard Business Blog)

What does re-thinking mean in this case? Start thinking of being hard on yourself as being irresponsible. Start thinking of wasting half of your brain power on fantasies about your own destruction as self-indulgent. Conflate self-negativity with laziness. Start thinking of time for yourself as being responsible. Start thinking of a healthy mid-day meal as essential to your productivity, time away from your desk as productive.

How much time do you spend thinking about work - even outside of work? And how much do we commend others around us for spending more time working. Often times, our relaxation and refresh time is just as important as working time. These days, working isn't about working longer or even harder- that much has been proven true - it's about working better.

Work bitches, work.

paper cuts.

Can somebody please, PLEASE teach me how to like filing?

I hate filing with a passion. Because it's a ridiculously tedious amount of work (PDF/hard copies/email/signatures) for something that does not gain any recognition nor does it give me any personal pleasure. Because there is always more. And it can be physically grueling. And anal retentive. And degrading. Nobody finds any value in filing, until you can't find something.

I hate filing. I hate it so much. I hate it more than washing dishes. I wish we could just hire a filing clerk.

Paper cuts.

We were the queens and kings of promise...

Just finished reading both of these, as you may have guessed, I've been incredibly distracted lately by the ways that people work together. And there's always been an interest in people's personal psychology; how is it that a country that banded together to elect a black president is the same group of people that will call to ban a house of worship two blocks from the World Trade Center and call it democratic or patriotic? The same country that can send millions of dollars to earthquake relief in Haiti still be in denial about a toxic oil flume under our Gulf Coast and our national addiction to oil.

I'm still trying to get over the drama queens in rehearsal for crying out loud.

Still, I'm glad to know that life is not pre-destined for any of us. However much Gladwell would like to state that we are circumstantial by-products of our environment - I'd also like to point out that at any time we have a choice to be or not to be what is laid out ahead of us. We can choose the proverbial road less taken. I can choose to stop sleeping in, choose to hang out with the people I really want to see, make the hard changes - but I have to be willing to do the work. We cannot know the greatest love without also knowing the most aggregious pain or loss. They are related as our emotions are directly related to the depths of our own personal experience.

Both books remind me that Success (with the big "S") is not necessarily the result of wealthy parents, above board intelligence or an idiot savant related talent (although those help). It is also directly related to our willingness to want to focus on a single goal and to have many of our life paths, hobbies and everyday tasks take their lead from that goal. My voice builder, a superstar and incredible artist in his own life, encouraged each of his students to spend at least 20 minutes out of every day on our career as a preliminary training wheel for success. These days I spend much more time - probably 2-3 hours a day doing something towards my vocal training. These are not necessarily hours spent with drills or learning songs, sometimes they are in rehearsals, doing vocal warm ups in the shower or car, doing something to adjust my physical alignment (like Alexander work, pilates or yoga) listening to new music, spending an hour on the phone with a coach, chatting industry with a friend. The most interesting thing you'll find is that the more time you spend in your industry of choice, the easier it becomes to spend time on it. Like most diets - the most successful ones are not part time or temporary affairs but rather full lifestyle changes.
Check out Tim Ferriss' post on the Superstar Effect.

Anyway, I can't recommend either of the books highly enough. As usual, Gladwell provides a plethora of facts, indices and statistics gleaned from worldwide studies to prove each of his individual thoeries on success. And even uses his own ancestral life story to provide a thought-provoking anecdote on the road to a million dollar book deal and cultural/intellectual super stardom. Rework, written by the startup founders of 37signals (Basecamp) is a quickie advice guide for the modern project manager/company starter written in short, illustrated segments. Breaking all the established rules of modern management or business intelligensia, Rework is an invigorating new look at a way to run a company. Simple things like: optimize for today (don't always plan for 3 million page views later), keep everyone from engineer to CEO on the front lines and hire slowly and if you can, intimately.

Rework also states this on the value of writing:

If you are trying to decide among a few people to fill a position, hire the best writer...That's because being a good writer is about more than writing. Clear writing is a sign of clear thinking. Great writeres know how to communicate. they make things easy to understand. They can put themselves in someone else's shoes. They know what to omit. And those are qualities you want in any candidate...

So maybe these days, we should start to rename our Language Arts classes or Literature classes as "Communications" classes. When kids get the idea that knowing each part of a sentence and how it is structured is just as important as the idea - when the craft becomes just as complex and well thought out as the concept - we have the power to build empires.

And after all - we do want to understand each other don't we?

the age of Man is over
A darkness comes and all
The lessons that we've learned here
Have only just begun
We were the kings and queens of promise
We were the victims of ourselves
Maybe the children of a lesser God
between Heaven and Hell.

(I have also recently become obcessed with the EPICRAWK of 30 Seconds to Mars...honestly, but it also makes me think of Les Miserables or something similarly hugely orchestral like Beethoven's 5th)

cheerio.

Photo via GalaDarling

Wow...Saturday Jane said it best:

What it boils down to is this: I am okay with my body, but I don’t want other people to know that I am okay with my body, because then they will notice it, and what if they discover something that is not okay? And then if they think I am okay with something that really isn’t okay, they’ll think I’m a snob, or a bitch. They’ll think I’m one of those blindly self-praising girls who thinks she’s all that. They’ll tell everybody else that that’s what I am. A girl who thinks she is all that, when I am not all that at all, I’m not even a little bit that! And then everyone will talk about me behind my back and I’ll never get asked to prom and nobody will ever approve my housing loans.

I am not afraid of people thinking I am ugly.

I am afraid of people thinking that I am presumptuous.

This is why I am eager to beat The Universe to the punch, to explain that oh, no, don’t worry. I know my nose is weird and blobby and crooked. I get that my fingers are the size and shape of chewed-on cigars. It’s cool. I’m cool. I don’t think I’m ‘above my station’ or anything. I’m being realistic here.

And the really weird thing?

This is the way that I think women in our society are often taught to feel and act about ourselves. Once, while at a pool party - I was headed out to an event afterwards and Panda complimented me on my dress. My reaction? To look down at it, shrug and say that it had been purchased at Ross. Panda automatically pointed out that my immediate reaction was not to accept the compliment but to deflect it as something less. It's not that we don't think we look good and strive to look good. It's the fear that someone will think that we are arrogant and stuck up because we look good.

Because nothing is more hateful than the mean girl.

But there is a very fine line between the mean girl and the confident girl.
And sometimes, in someone else's light - we feel like there is some sort of lack of it for ourselves. So we seek to diminish that light, because of the perceived idea that we are somehow less when someone that we see - especially if that person is close to us - somehow has found the answer to being greater.
Let me repeat this: there is nothing wrong about loving the people around us that are amazing and wonderful and stupendous.
Because that means that we are surrounded by teachers, guides and the people who are most like us.
Like attracts like.
So if you believe that all of your friends are wonderful, beautiful, ticklish people who inspire and move you, you are in quite good company.
If you aren't...it might be time to look at yourself.

Who do we love? We love Chelsea Handler for burping, swearing and awesome shoe wearing her way to a successful slew of books and a late night talk show. We love Michelle Obama for not letting her impeccable sense of style and defined upper arms get in her way of public policy or national health. We love the Kates (Blanchett, Winslet, Beckinsale, Austin, Hepburn and Hudson) for kicking ass, playing soulful intellectual, sexy, loving whole women with take no prisoners attitudes. We love: Aretha, Beyonce, Gaga, Madonna, Jlo for creating empires. We love Margaret Cho for obvious reasons. We love the girl next door.

Also: why have I not been reading "Chicken Soup for the Dorky Soul"? This one breaks my heart...

And AHEM: This is totally amazing! TOTALLY! LOVE BOMB!

Scott Pilgrim vs. the Angry Asian

I've just gotten so lazy lately, I've taken to just posting the interesting IM conversations I have with co-workers...

VoLtron: kung pao chicken
me: your mom
VoLtron: was that the part that bothered you in scott pilgrim?
me: no the "she's Chinese" and "Should you even be dating outside of your race?" and the utter This Stereotype is So 10 Years Ago and has been Beat to Death Already
and Scott is stupid and shallow for dating Knives in the first place
and then he leads her on
and leaves her for the "cool" white girl
VoLtron: did you like the movie?
me: I think I could have if they hadn't made the Knives character so clowny to juxtapose with how cool Ramona is. Like Ramona will sleep with Scott on the first date Scott won't sleep with Knives because she's totally naive and juvenile.
I know she's a character but it colored all of my feelings about the movie and made me feel bitter because...I dunno, it's all the feelings I have about being an Asian female who dates both white and Asian guys and all the hate I get poured on me when I do date white guys. Like I relate more to Ramona but I feel like people see me as the Knives and...I'm just tired of fighting what I look like on the outside because people are too assbackwards to see the inside. I know that you guys really liked it but I feel like the character has the potential to set Asian females back another 5-6 years. I mean...why can't I be a combination of the two? Completely articulate, cool, good at video games AND Asian?
VoLtron: did you read the books? (i have a lot of thoughts on this issue, but i'm still thinking about how you and i approached this movie)
me: no, and I think that's a problem too. so many times, movies are squished together edited versions of much more well-written tomes and the Hollywood producers and editors try to find the essence of a film and then put that on screen (like Harry Potter)
so you're really only getting the basest shards of a character but look at all the hate asian women have been getting on screen lately
(other than Lost)
Cho Chang
Knives Chau
Lady DeathStryke
Asian women are no more deserving of love, respect or affection because of their stereotype as gold digging, superficial man stealers. Just ONCE give me an example of a redeeming Asian female character on screen who doesn't get screwed over or dumped.
Maybe that chick from that weird Conjoined twins baseball movie
I've thought a lot about this, can you tell?
are you writing the editorial?
VoLtron: ok, let's first talk about the movie
I can see why that would be irritating. Knives’ background is more fleshed out in the book, but this background more reinforces the stereotypes so I guess I was used to/prepared for her treatment in the movie the kung pao chicken line, however, is new. I can see how they threw that in to heighten reality (last boss is a dick), but, for me, all it did was INTRODUCE reality into the movie
me: I don't even remember that line
VoLtron: hahaha
me: where was that line?
VoLtron: gideon calls knives "kung pao chicken"
me: he does? when?
VoLtron: right before the final fight
me: oh...huh
VoLtron: i thought that line overall was an unecessary risk
but the books are pretty juvenile. like, there wasn't a scene in the where wallace's sexuality wasn't brought up, same as the book
me: yes
I suppose you could watch the movie from that perspective as well
I think, though, in spite of Wallace's sexuality
he's still presented as a likable voice of reason
VoLtron: you didn't find Knives likable?
me: not til the end
I found her embarrassing to watch, though, not ridiculous til after Scott dumps her
VoLtron: i don't think the movie was careless in its treatment. i think it's more of a representation of these racisms that are hardwired into our psyche through pop culture
me: it's hard to watch onscreen, and hard to know that these stereotypes are still the ones being financed and to not be that
VoLtron: well, i don't think they're even aware these issues exist
for example, in juno
me: but to know that there is a certain demographic that will watch this movie and believe that
VoLtron: in juno, there's a scene where ellen page is talking about her ideal parent for the baby and she says "a graphic designer with an asian girlfriend" it's a throwaway line, it's not played for laughs or even to hurt, but the scary/funny thing is how quickly the audience understands the meaning of this phrase the asian girlfriend repesents "clean, discreet taste"
me: yes
VoLtron: she's objectified to the point where ellen page could've just said "a graphic designer who skateboards"
me: it's understood that there is a certain aesthetic to having an Asian significant other
VoLtron: but, again, i don't think these statements are made out of malice
me: no
VoLtron: they're just what people know and what people write
me: but that aesthetic is unfair
I mean, replace Asian with Jewish
VoLtron: well, that's what happens when you're born white and born at the top
me: and see how many people react
yep so what are your feelings about the movie?
VoLtron: i looooooved it
i had so much fun
me: Hamster and Wannamaker and I discussed it a little yesterday
VoLtron: tbh, a lot of the dynamic between scott and knives i saw a lot of with my previous relationship, i think so i was definitely more emotionally invested in it
me: I think...I enjoyed most of the parts of Scott Pilgrim that did not have to do wtih Knives til the very end. I would have loved her to help Scott kick Gideon's ass because he's a douche bag
VoLtron: what if knives were black?
would that make you change how you saw her character
me: yes
because a) all the jokes about her being Asian wouldn't have been made
and b) I wouldn't have related to her so much
but I think Hollywood also wanted the effect of making that charcter Asian
as did the original writer/cartoonist
which is raging fan girl combined with deadly cuteness
irrational
VoLtron: bryan lee o'malley is white/korean, and he married a white girl
just putting it out there
me: well
then less power to him to writing a character that brings down his Asian sisters
just because someone is half asian doesn't make it right
VoLtron: it doesn't
he's pretty whitewashed
but so am i
so whatever
me: grr...someone ate cereal
and didn't wash their bowl
VoLtron: i bet it was Wannamaker
me: nope, I have a sneaking suspicion it was Dail
I'm going to give him til the end of the day to wash it
I see everything, ahah
Wannamaker always washes his dishes. I gave him crap once and he never did it again
VoLtron: haha, taskmaster
me: totally
see?
fear the Irate Asian
VoLtron: oh you people are so cute when you're mad
there, there
me: KAWAAIII CHOP!
VoLtron: shoryuken reversal!
me: shoyu reversal?

hi there.

so...when you "grow up"? do people stop giving you advice? and what i mean is...when do i get to speak my mind?

or does it just get to a point where you say, "Whatever." ?

When we were kids, it used to get pointed out a lot that saying "whatever" was pretty rude. It was the equivalent of insolence + ignorance + apathy. And sometimes our impulses and dreams and desires were walked upon enough for us to just...give up.

today, came close to hitting a wall.

hit the wall while clutching a rope too short to climb over. feeling that no matter what, the decisions made will lead again, to a state of futility and utter failure. that's been my experience with a lot of things. dating. career. friendships. spirituality. for some reason, just not making the right decision. not having the right guidance. trusting an instinct twisted by a psychology that is fought against every day, but that has a way of weaseling its way back into every choice.

stopped giving a crap about what anyone thinks. really.

get out of my space. let me have my opinions and my own mind. i certainly let you have yours.

whatever.

rough...

It has been a rough week for the peeps at work.

Some good people had to say goodbye. For reasons that will all work themselves out universally. While hard to not work in fear, the right converations have come up around me to let me know that the time to keep working, it's there. Harder still, is the difficulty in not going into Mama Bear mode; to resist gathering my arms around the people left I have come to care about in the small space of a year, bare my claws and say, "No more!"

Came home tonight to the roomies watching '2012'; the ending is notably predicable. (Of course he lives, he's muthafucking JOHN.CUSACK!!) But have we come to this? Being too afraid to care for others for the time when they will leave us alone? Look at the state of the world in the last year; huge earthquakes, the oil spill in the gulf, tsunamis, hunger, starvation. Humanity is crying out after years and years of selfishness. That time is over. Are you hearing me? DONE.

I will never count myself as a sucker for caring for others. NEVER. Even when hurt, shamed, guilted or neglected. The part of me that cares for others is the part of my humanity that cannot be denied. This is part of a letter that I wrote to my co-workers last year when I was laid off.

Thank you for always pushing me to do more. Thank you for encouraging and being interested in my outside activities as well as the ones at work. Thank you for sponsoring/supporting my interests in both LEED and AIA, and continuing to believe that the more educated and informed the employee, the better the business. Thank you for not being so much bosses as friends and mentors. Thank you for creating an environment based on cooperation instead of competition. Thank you for having a staff of dedicated, fun, talented and friendly individuals that made it a joy to wake up at 6 and travel 40 miles away from home every day for.

Without sounding condescending, I hope that you all remember to be kind to one another. To listen and appreciate each other. To keep an eye to the future and on the team. To look for doors, 6'0" openings and windows instead of hitting walls. To be open and understanding when you could judge, and light and bright when you could be gloomy. Leave it Nickelback to make some inappropriate joke and you're well on your way.

There is so much respect and good feelings I have for all of you. It has been an honor to call you co-workers. To a great 2009, for you and your families.

Thank you.

Getting over it?

Sometimes I think technology has a way of fucking up your perception. And exactly why should I care?

Because this woman I work with just declared herself the "Admin Czarina" of my office on 4Square. I know this means nothing to me really....

But until she:

a) Orders pizza for 50
b) Files a month's worth of bills
c) Receives packages
d) Gets the mail and distributes it
e) Makes flight and hotel reservations
f) Administers voice mail messages
g) Enters the taxes/bills/invoices
h) Does collections
i) Orders food and other sundry supplies
j) Deals with janitorial and building maintenance
k) Keeps the engineers in line
l) Updates contact lists
m) Does monthly reconciliations and revenue updates
o) Does weekly revenue spreadsheets

She has no fucking business calling herself the Administrative Czarina of anything.

What fun is it being cool if you can't wear a sombrero?

I still walk through my life sometimes trying, desperately, to seem cool. This goes for everything from my opinions on politics (left leaning) to child rearing (I'll tell them about sex and pot and drugs and steer them towards what I think are the right decisions) to ideas on dating (yeah, it's cool not to see each other every day) to music.

Music is one of my biggest hang ups. It's not that I think my taste is horrible, I just don't think I've been exposed to very much that could be considered "cool". Like my book collection; I just listen to what I like. Most of the time that happens to be musical theater or funk or classical vocalists. I also quite like movie/tv soundtracks, yes, I do like to pretend on my walk to work that a) cute guys are watching me, b) my exes are watching me and pining plaintively and lastly c) the other people watching me are thinking, "Damn that chick is cool/cute/awesome." (yeah, whatever, I'll totally admit to my ego trip) There's only so much breathy, acoustic shit I can take before I feel like I want to cut my bangs and become a hipster vegetarian (bleccchhh). Music is a mood shifter for me and often I want to get myself out of that self-indulgent, self-pitying depression state so I'll listen to things that are light, pop-y and fun. Dance music is a huge guilty pleasure for me, it lifts my mood and gives me a natural gait and strut.

It's gotten to the point where I'm looking to my co-workers, friends and loved ones to tell me what to listen to. One of them gave me friggin' hypno trance surf rock. Think Beach Boys on LSD. Another wasn't too bad and referenced Labi Siffre. The 'Stache put this shit (oh for fuck's sake, they're Canadian?) on my Pandora and I'm still trying to figure out if it's poseur stuff or not. Personally, I prefer this:

Robyn - Hang With Me official video from Robyn on Vimeo.

I know right? Sappy. Auto-tuned. Groovy. And I would rather listen to this than Mahler's 4th any day. (to be fair, I'm not even quite sure what Maher's 4th sounds like)

So recently, songwriter and musician Matthew Friedberger of the Fiery Furnaces was interviewed saying this:

Music is still a “prestige” item. The music you like is now more important for first impressions both for the way you’re formulating yourself and the way you interact with people. Music is still educating people about whether they’re cool or not. Now people have more anxiety about this stuff, about status and the music they like. There’s more anxiety related to it than to some of their other consumer or lifestyle choices.

Now, isn't that telling? And honestly, don't you sort of freeze up when someone asks you what sort of music you listen to and don't you sort of feel like a douche when you can't say what the last concert you went to was? I'll be completely honest, the last rock concert I went to - I'm pretty sure, was Keane at the Fox Theater last year. And it was because the Blade had an extra ticket. I rarely, if ever, voluntarily purchase tickets to see shows. I like making music more than I enjoy seeing it. Friends who are in shows don't count. These people are friends. Outside Lands, Coachella, Lollapolooza, etc...seem just like a bunch of trouble. Drunk assholes getting in your space, overpriced foods and merch, and bathroom lines out the door - these all spell uncomfortable and an unpleasant experience for me. Stern Grove is negotiable, but there are your fair share of obnoxious people everywhere. This may make me seem like a hermit is true, but personally - the human condition, while fascinating to observe, often gets too close to my comfort zone for me.

Maybe music is just one of those things that defines us. But who is to say what is cool and what is not. Can we like different types of music for the same reasons? Such as can a song by the Beatles and a song by the Roots and a song by Daft Punk give different people the same exact feeling depending on their personal nature? Can a person who listens to some independently produced and distributed no-name band be as interested in Miley Cyrus? Or are those two artists so far separated by socio-cultural status that they remain mutually exclusive in a listener's mind?

Friedberger goes on to say this (which rocks my world):

It goes out there in the world and you have no control over it, and you have to keep that in mind. That’s the way it is with any artifact, I suppose, but that’s more explicitly the case when it comes to art, mass-produced art. I think Glenn Gould said something like, “Recording is a mix of the autocratic and the democratic.” I get to do whatever I want making the record—I get to manipulate it and strangle it and do whatever I like to it—and then it goes out there and people listen to it in circumstances or in ways that I have no control over and that I can’t fathom. That’s the way it works. But for people to put it to their own ends, you can’t just give them an empty vessel or a blank canvas. It needs to be full of your marks and of your intentions for it to be anything that they’re going to be able to manipulate to their ends.

So you know what? We are all free to feel however we want about the music that we listen to. And if it feeds our souls, who are we to feel negative about our choices. Yeah...that's cool.

"Every man, when he gets quiet, when he becomes desperately honest with himself, is capable of uttering profound truths. We all derive from the same source. there is no mystery about the origin of things. We are all part of creation, all kings, all poets, all musicians; we have only to open up, only to discover what is already there."

Henry Miller

On a side note: How to Care for Your Introvert - this is interesting, sometimes I feel like an asshole in social situations. I don't know what to do or say at parties where I don't know anyone. I just can't. I'm totally serious. I can't do small talk or feign interest in people that I think I'm never going to see again. The only way I can adjust at a party where I don't know anyone is for some kind soul to take me under their wing. At a party where I don't know anyone, you'll always be able to find me in a room, petting a cat. This has happened more times than I care to mention. Alone. In a room. Petting a cat. This is my level of comfort people. Does it surprise anyone that the article mentions that many actors actually are or feel like introverts when not on stage? Yeahhh...