Rerooting.

I stepped outside today - still not engaged with the world - one step in and one step out. Half fooled I stopped to stare at all the people and thought, "How silly am I?" It's my world and there are all these other people there. Here. too many people in this world to make even one of them my focus. And yet I still get to chose don't I God? I am so much closer aren't I? Right now I can only see the negative- I wonder how much perspective it will take to get to the positive. And finally to the place where it doesn't matter at all. The place where it seemed too long ago that it was a life time away from anything that is or was me.
I'm growing God - but sometimes I wonder at what cost. What cost happiness and what does it look like? Certainly not like someone who can't and won't open themselves to love. In the span of 10 minutes I have probably seen and been seen by 200 people and I am concerned with one? Why? Why let one insignificant person affect me that much? Why make my world that small and limited of a place? It deosn't make a whole lot of sense. So the question now is; what do I want?

-written January 2009