Tara & Bella

I'm sorry, I just found this on oncemorewithfeeling and I couldn't resist. It's amazing.

Dream VI

They say that youth is wasted on the young, but the young at heart tap it every day.
Swimming in a pool of clean water, fishing out little garbage.
Swimming in my clothes with no weight
I look like Alicia Keys
I am Alicia Keys
Corn rows, sharp tuxedo suit
Swimming in my own clear pool at the bottom of waterfalls
Waterfalls filled with large boulders
That I won't drive over.
But I will let carry me over.
They are part of a large parking structure
Like Star Trek the next generation
A veritable 70s designed minimalist lot
And I keep asking to go back
Because I'm trying to make it my own dream
But I am wakened at 4
To talk to you, even though that psychic connection has never been there between us
So then I figure, it's probably heartburn
Even though I hadn't eaten anything past 9pm
So maybe it is God answering the question a day late
About who I am, what I'm supposed to do.
I am Alicia Keys? Swimming in my own pool
Not feeling the weight of clothes
But only the water soft and light against my skin

El-e-va-tion!

don't worry, i'm not living in the wild with dingoes anywhere.

i've actually just been busy (with rehearsals and a residual non-paid job). and it's friday night, i'm staying in with an orange juice, tea and my thoughts. there were people out there to meet etc., and i'm not ready to face any of them yet. in fact, the only person i really wanted to talk to had other plans. so i'm in, to really...finally figure out what it is i'd like to do.

the first thing was to get clean. made up with my friend, wrote a letter to co-workers, have been working on meeting new guys and not obsessing too much over the last one. hanging out with family, bringing 100% to rehearsal and making my lifestyle match my income.

you know...people are truly wonderful. in the last couple of days since broadcasting my unemployed status off of facebook; i've gotten a ton of suggestions about what to do, where to go, a couple of interesting offers and just a bunch of loving support. how to apply for UI, who to talk to etc. But taking a step back and looking at the situation, if this is a culmination of all my worse fears, then it's something that i can move thru exactly the way it is happening. gently, quietly, easily. there is a little bit of a buffer zone that my ex-bosses graciously bestowed and what i'm learning is...

i have a little bit of time.
here's a great quote from wayne dyer's site today:

Release Others’ Expectations If you focus on what others expect of you, you’ll continue to act on and attract more of what they desire for you. But when you can shift your inner thoughts to what you intend to create and attract into your life, you will no longer have to give mental energy to what others want for you.

so i've figured out, I'd really like to do:

marketing/production: it's a huge industry and something i think i'd be really good at. it takes people skills and organizational skills. unfortunately, i think it also takes an mba.

voiceovers: i'm an actor with a fairly malleable voice. i used to love doing imitations of mrs. potts and audrey (little shop of horrors) when i was a kid. i've also been told that my voicemail sounds rather professional, and i've done a ton of reception. the only thing about voiceover work is that it's balls to break into.

writing: a book. about women. i'd go into it more, but i'm not sure it's ready conceptually. think of the 'unknown men' series i did last year and you'll get a better picture of it.

singing: obvious but true. move on this. make a demo. throw it out there. case in point - i love the lyrics to existentialism on prom night, but the vocals throw me. it's the one thing i take pride in doing well.

design: it's strange, but i have a very very weird skillset, and part of what i still love to do is be creative. to just take an idea or a need and run with it. see what comes up. this means a lot more classes in new design media.

here's what all of this means. it means time and commitment and investment. but the returns will be good. for now, i'm taking care of my mental health and what it really means to work. working at something, not just where i'm needed, but where i can be passionate and make a difference at what i do. Lena at Ch!cktionary also posted this site, geared more towards recent graduates, but still containing a lot of great tips for those of us looking.

30 in 30: the Insider's Guide to Job Hunting in '09

-most Americans will have held 10 different job positions by the time they are 40
-the average job hunt, sans recession, takes 4 months. Double that for our tough times
-don't just take jobs because you HAVE to. take a lower paying job if it makes you happier.
-look outside your normal "industry" to find jobs (this is why i started looking at the marketing listings on craigslist)
-above all, stick to your guns. if something doesn't sound like it's going to be a good fit for you, don't do it. you'll hate yourself and you won't do a good job.

karma

I am apparently made of FAIL. or the economy is.

got laid off yesterday.

nothing really to say, other than I wrote all my co-workers a very nice email.

so, let's recap. almost 30, no job, no boyfriend, living at home, doing a show but not getting paid. a close friend of mine may never talk to me again. fantastic - this is a great plot for a tv pilot. excuse me while i crawl into a hole for a while.

this is one of those entries that will probably go away later, but for now, is quite possibly the culmination of all my lifelong worse fears.

working on it.

it's been an inauspicious start to 2009.

no details.

but when you realize you've been looking for the answers in all the wrong places, and they're not WRONG people - it's just not fair for YOU to be asking THEM for answers all the time - you need to rethink your strategy.

so here goes.

more church.
more kids and vocal work and paid work.
more time realizing that he/she/they are not me.
more quiet time.
more peace.
more family.
more inside out, less outside in.
more listening. (less talking)
more big picture (less personal)

i am not without my faults.
i want forgiveness too.
i want respect too.
i have beliefs that others may not share.
i am here to have a human life.

it's ok for him/her/them not to understand me.
i do not have to explain everything.
but i will not carry anger.
i will not carry resentment.
i will not carry guilt nor shame.
i will not carry others.

Samsara by Alexis40

i resolve to take my time.
i resolve to seek peace and serenity.
i resolve to give up the little things for the big things.
i resolve to keep the good
i resolve to work on the bad
i resolve not to delete but slowly detach.

"When you have the choice to choose being right or being kind, choose to be kind." - Wayne Dyer.

less being right. more being kind.

21 and 23...violets

From Stephen Crane's - 'War is Kind' - 1899

XXI

A man said to the universe:

"Sir I exist!"

"However," replied the universe,

"The fact has not created in me

A sense of obligation."

---

XXIII

There was a land where lived no violets.

A traveller at once demanded : "Why?"

The people told him:

"Once the violets of this place spoke thus:

'Until some woman freely gives her lover

To another woman

We will fight in bloody scuffle.'"

Sadly the people added:

"There are no violets here."

“You never stop loving someone. You just learn to live without them”

Tupac

“I’m scared that I’m going to end up alone. I’m scared that I’m always going to be somebody’s friend, or sister, or confidant, never quite somebody’s everything.”

(via onemoretimewithfeeling!) (via boredintheburbs) (via notthatkindagay)

oh how time flies for tween queens.

watching mindless mtv, waiting for moward to crash warcloud's NYE party...again (it's my new new year's tradition, but this time I didn't walk the 19 blocks from nim's apt.)

Mr. Jones: That looks like a really bad version of Miley Cyrus.
Pen:...Dad, that IS Miley Cyrus
Dad; oh
Both: AHAHAHAHAH!

maybe I should just submit to MyDadIsAFob.com

HAPPY 2009 EVERYONE!