sunday nothings.

my brain hurts.

I just finished writing the first draft of a CA$H grant - the Bayareatheaterfancyshmance thing that all of the artists and so-called artists in the greater Bay Area will spend days and weeks putting together so that they can be awarded a small yet significant amount of money. Sad but true. This is where, I suppose, I go into a rant about how little funding there is for the arts in what is supposed to be the heart of the artistic community.

but I'm really drained.

had a birthday party for the roomie last night. it was actually quite nice - the whole, wine, cheese bit. i have to admit, i prefer my parties less fancy. roomie works for a hotel and so all of his peeps showed up in the latest anorexic wear and then left to go to a bar. i still don't get the appeal of a bar. there's nowhere to sit, drunk people everywhere, the music is too loud and you have to pay to drink. it's like the greatest joke played on mankind ever. now i get the idea of a pub. in a pub, there are places to sit, good lighting and generally good food. you can just hang. a bar is like a feeding frenzy for horny people. so i always pass on that shit.

i went to wondercon yesterday - geeked out. saw zoesaldana, chrisnolan, millajovovich, alilarter, jerrybruckheimer(mofo), jakegyllenhaal, chrisevans, amyacker etc. etc. etc. all and all i was glad i went, esp. since i ended up sitting in the ballroom for like 4+ hours.

the stache has yet to call me today. i took a picture with a dude pretending to be the dude from mystery science theater 3000 yesterday for him. shows you who really has the upper hand doesn't it?

i could go into explanations on all of the above stuff, but i'm really burnt out and my other roomie has people here tonight doing a reading for his new show. and I just finished reading the blog of some straight dude who's an actor here in the city and i was inspired and incredibly disgusted and turned off by his writing "style" if you could call it that. i really want some pot roast and some soup right now (update-just grabbed some roomie's leftovers and they're delicious). and to just be left alone. i'm so tired of dealing with other people right now.

i'm the most outgoing introvert you will ever meet. seriously.

awareness

forcing myself to write - because it matters. not to anyone else but me, but because it needs to happen.

it's nothing really.
just strawberries, plain cream top yogurt
honey
puffins
yep, the cereal of trader joes
named after a flightless bird
the one that isn't a penguin
the berries are slightly underripe
but they give me the idea that i'm eating something healthy for dessert
crunchy, creamy
sweet, slightly sour
eaten in front of the tv
or webcast
or book
five nights in a row
still not sick of it
but tonight is the last night, i'm out of strawberries
so i turn off the tv
and try to make this one last
take smaller bites
scrape the sides of the bowl
so the last spoonful has equal parts of everything
creamycrunchsweetsour
rinse the bowl
and spoon
and remember this is what it's like to need to be creative
this is where it all begins and germinates
in the quiet space
of appreciation
me and some yogurt

Guidelines...

Oh third graders...has it really come to this? I guess it helps, when you're 8 - to start to parcel out your world. To try to put things and people into categories that help you make sense of them. I mean, a lot of growing is up is about analysis right? Trying to make heads or tails of the crazy world around you.

Or you know...just judging them mercilessly. (points for completely being able to articulate the difference between a slimy b*&%h and a fishy b*%&h)

I'm totally #20.

And I'm Not Lying presents...The 90 Types of Bitches

Forgotten post.

Change is all around us; we have to embrace it constantly. Often times we are trying to make what isn't good or working or nice - better. And it's really good to get perspective on who we are trying to become. But what happens when the person we already are prevents us from who we are striving to become?

My supervisor and I were having a chat about our company's internal audit (yes, really, I'm that fascinating people) and the subject of "the A-Student inside" came up. This is that little voice inside us that pushes us to push for excellence. The voice that says, "Just a little bit longer" or "only three more" or "you can do this." But it's also the perfectionist voice that reminds you how much work will be involved in each of your choices. That you can ask for help, but never expect anything to be easy. And this can sometimes also be detrimental to us following our dreams. This is our testing ground, only when a dream becomes greater than the tasks and duties involved, can we be moved to go after them.

I'm finding, in my half-assed quest for finding my life's path, I am often thwarted by my own ego. Of the part of me that is so knowing. It's been noted by several people before how much my voice sounds logical...sensible...thoughtful. But sometimes, it's also better for all of us to acknowledge that we don't know what we don't know. Last year, I was about 75% sure that I was going to go for my MBA. Then a producer friend of mine - who has his MBA - asked me if I knew what I was going to do with it. To be quite honest, I've always felt than an MBA is one of those all inclusive luxury resort type deals - you get one and there are so many doors open to you, you just have to pick one and go. But he went on to explain, that I wasn't sure what the end purpose would be, I would be better off rethinking it.

Now I find myself, in many ways, in a better place than I have been, ever. And yet, nowhere near where I want to go. And the trust to know that no matter what I do, I can always start over - well, I'm not quite believing that yet.

How many of us don't know how to follow our own path and are merely subject to traveling along the one that we felt was chosen for us, because it was easier than owning up to our own personal choices. It's easy to play the game because the rules are spelled out, the results are guaranteed (theoretically) and the purpose is absolute. Yet, when it all goes awry.

Well.

What then?

Friday! Friday! Friday!

Happy Friday Everyone.
no really.

2010 Health Tips! (Simple, natural!)

Copied this from an acquaintance's FB page, but it's a good healthy strong reminder as we go into the rest of the new year to have a mind towards our internal health.

You all know I really believe in the power of nutrition, and I know everyone has their own lifestyle, but here are just a few ways to become healthier and Happier for this new year. Treat your body right and your mood, energy, memory, creativity, and your physical appearance will improve!

#1 - Replace sodas or soft drinks with tea or water. (or if you really need that bubbly, try sparkling mineral water with high mineral content.)

#2 - Commit to eating one raw fruit (or serving of vegetables) at every meal. Pasteurized fruit juices don't count! (Pasteurization kills all of the nutrients and only leaves the sugars.)

#3 - Add just 5 minutes a day to your exercise routine. Don't have an exercise routine? Start with 5 minutes a day! (I need to follow this one too, my exercise habit is lame)

#4 - Get more sunshine! Only use sunscreen if absolutely necessary. (Vitamin D is the MOST important vitamin for immunity, energy, and even sexual drive.)

#5 - Eat less Gluten (Wheat, Barley, Rye, BEER) and Casein (Cow's Dairy). These proteins cause severe amounts of mucus within your body. They slow down your metabolism and gunk up your intestinal tract.

#6 - Drink a superfood smoothie every day. (You know one of those green powders with a bunch of stuff in it.)

#7 - Buy more indoor plants: They purify the air in your home.

#8 - Take a quality, wild-harvested fish oil supplement that contains vitamin D. Or eat more SMALL fish, such as sardine, herring, and anchovy. Do NOT eat Tuna or Swordfish or Shark! The mercury levels are ridiculous.

#9 - Eat more quinoa: It's a high-protein, low-carb "grain" with calcium that can easily replace rice or couscous. And it only takes 10 minutes to boil.

#10 - When you get out of bed each morning, do five sit-ups first. It sounds simple, but just 5 sit-ups a day can make a difference. Also give your body a light stretch, legs, arms, torso. You'd be surprised how much that can invigorate you.

#11 - Instead of trying to find a parking spot so close to the grocery store, park farther away. You'll get a little more walking exercise and a little more sunshine. Try to walk more in general.

#12 - Get a good water filter so you can stop drinking tap water (or bottled water).

#13 - Pick up a "gentle" art like Tai-Qi or Yoga. It will reduce your stress and improve your physical stamina.

#14 - Take a relaxing hot bath with epsom salts and soothing herbs like lavender. It will do wonders for your mind and your muscles. Also if you can find "Dead Sea" salts, they are AMAZING.

#15 - Get a professional massage! Massage therapy is really, really healthy, and it's a great way to reward yourself for some of the other accomplishments you're making. If money is tight, find a massage school nearby. Many of the students offer cheap if not free massages.

#16 - Eat more sprouts! Eating just one ounce of sprouts a day still had a huge impact on preventing cancer and boosting immune function. Onion sprouts are particularly yummy on salads and sandwiches.

#17 - Make a point to get at least seven hours of sleep for 2-3 nights a week (or more, if you can). Most people are sleep deprived, and the health cost is enormous. Or if you sleep too much, try restricting it to seven a night.

#18 - Start visiting local farmer's markets so that you eat more local food in 2010. You'll be healthier and happier as a result. It's also the cheapest way to stock your home with food.

#19 - Got a job you don't like? Quit it! Downgrade your lifestyle to live on less money, then pursue what you really enjoy. Being happy in a small house is better than being miserable in a big one. If it's impossible to do so, spend extra time in each day in pursuit of a different job. Your job is meant to support your life, not be your life.

#20 - Get off those medications! Make a point to learn how to safely and gradually get yourself off all the medications you can by eliminating underlying imbalances or illnesses. The fewer medications you take, the healthier you'll be! And combining medications can be extremely dangerous! Most of the recent celebrity deaths were caused by medication imbalances or overdoses. Almost all medications used in this country are synthetic copies of medicinal herbs. They use the copies instead of the plants, because they can patent it and make big money. (Tamiflu = Star Anise herb for example) A majority of our healthcare system is meant to keep you sick and spending money. I was taking loads of medications for my conditions and was kept in an endless cycle of low health. Then I cut out all my medications and devoted myself to health and nutrition, and now my issues are all but gone. (In particular I have cut out red meat and Gluten from my diet). You will not believe how much simple nutrition can help you.

#21 - Throw out your television! Are you still watching cable TV or satellite TV? It's a complete waste of your life (but you already knew that). Disconnect the cable. Read more books and get your information online where news sources are more independent and intelligent. Play more social games, like multiplayer video games, card games, or board games.

#22 - Make a decision to think of food as nourishment instead of entertainment. Eat what your body needs, not what your taste buds desire. If you have a craving, that means your body is imbalanced. Give it the minimal amount of what you crave. Crave sugar? Eat carrots. It will satisfy you.

#23 - Switch out your table salt for Sea Salt with minerals. Your body needs a balance of water, salt, and minerals. Table salt has none. If your body craves salt it's because you don't have enough minerals. Salt contains minerals in it's natural form, so when your body doesn't have a enough minerals it craves more salt. Then you add more mineral-less table salt and it gets worse. When your body has too much salt and not enough minerals, you constrict. You become more tense, your brain works slower, and you are easily irritated.

#24 - Teach others how to be healthy! The more you talk with others about healthy habits, the more you'll follow them yourself. But don't push it! No one likes to be guilt-tripped and badgered in to something. Make sure to respect others and don't go all "evangelical" about it. :-)

My ship has sails that are made of Pearl...

Was so bummed to hear today that Pearl Art and Craft on Market is closing (across the street from the Warfield for you musicophiles). Pearl made up a good part of my youthful desire to create. When I was in school - it was the end of the rainbow for anything my crazy professors might send us looking for. They seemed to have a cornucopia of magic spilling off its shelves in a colorful array of tools. It was where the "real" artists in the city went to shop. The store that would have the obscure inks or tools that I was looking for. Not the pristinely sanitized mod white spaces of Utrecht or the overpriced Marin hobbyist store that is all that Flax stands for; Pearl was the real nitty gritty. Where you could find etching tools and amazing pressed papers from places like Fiji and France. Sable hair brushes, huge Japanese boar head brushes. Every tool or supply you could ever think of were held 'neath the walls of this three tiered giant. If you learned to navigate its hearty walls - you were a king. Hours could pass and you would emerge with infinitely valuable treasures. It was the Berkeley Bowl West of art stores. Just as affordable and just as varied. And now it's gone.

Blick is supposedly coming into replace. But it will never replace my beloved Pearl. I suppose it's just a sign of the times. When are we going to start appreciating what we can create with our own two hands again?

When?