i used to be cool

I heard this song while driving to rehearsal last night and liked it so much that I actually dug out a pen to scribble it down. It's Ludovico Einaudi's 'Due Tramonti' which translates to 'Two Sunsets'. Gorgeous.

Wow...below is my Frienster profile from like 2003. Whack.

I'm not cool. I am nowhere near cool. Many people have let me know that they don't think I'm cool. I may never BE cool. But I'm ok with that. And, I'm wearing pants. I miss Comedy Central (damn you Comcast)and the Muppet Show. I make endless to do lists and then proceed to not do anything on them. I do not have a deviated septum. I like to sleep in but rarely do. I remember names and faces from fifteen years past, but can't recall any mathematical theorem worth crap. I am very hard to please. Things I have first panned then later relished with pleasure: capri pants, skiing and frappucinos. I enjoy complex sentence structure, but cannot be bothered to string it together. I can often think up things like; my favorite book, movie, tv show on my own, but I draw blanks on all if prompted to do so. I LOVE to think up names for my fictional band. My favorite song to perform is, "Son of a Preacher Man." I can type about 80 wds per min, but not quietly. I enjoy buffing my fingernails religously. I think I have hobbit feet. I do not work in a cube; it's more like an open sided octagon. I am the only person I know that saw Matrix Reloaded and liked it better than the first Matrix. I kill houseplants, so don't ask me to watch yours. I am on a very long road to finding happiness but am being held back by fear, resignation and the obstacle of having a family that's crunchy liberal on the outside, secretly straight as an assrod conservative Asian on the inside. I like giving up my seat for old ladies on the bus. If you tell me what to do, there is a 50% chance I won't do it, just based on the fact that I hate people telling me what to do. I am trying very hard to impress you...

If I had to describe myself using only adjectives; eclectic, hyper-sensitive, do-gooder, sometimes shallow, on time, contradictory but ultimately nice.

My other profile is: "I'm weird."
word. (to your mother)

chitown city.

Rawbean, Buckethead...this one's for you. (via Rob Huebel of Human Giant)



How a Chi-town playah does it for the ladeez.

*sourcecode

"Rely on the source whose capabilities are equal to the requirements of your program"

Rules:
* Grab the book closest to you. Now.
* Go to page 56.
* Find the 5th sentence.
* Write that sentence as your status.
* Copy these instructions as a comment to your status.
* Don't go looking for your favorite book, or the coolest one you have -- just grab the closest one.

Repost and try people! Mine is from a design book ('natch), called The Big Book of Color-in-Design that I got when MissQueeter was an editor at Harpers, but I think it's actually rather appropriate and Zen when you think about it.

I also posted a review of Bar Tartine over at Yelp...if you're really THAT bored. :)

Prime directive yo.

I fucking love geeks. (via Pajiba)



The funniest word I have heard today? Tofucken, the vegetarian equivalent of Turducken. There are also some crazy ass directions to make tofucken, like: 9. Bake about 20 minutes or until you burn your fingers when you stick them into the Tofucken. Tofucken can also be used as a verb.
Q: Did you bang that hot vegan chick last night?
A: Oh yeah, there was a lot of tofucken going on.
(no tempeh was harmed in the making of the tofucken)

Change the rules.

I walk a mile with a smile. I don't know I don't care where I am, But I know it's all right. Jump the tracks, can't get back. I don't know anyone round here, But I'm safe this time. 'Cause when you tell me, tell me, tell me Stupid things like you do, Yes I have to, have to, have to Change the rules; I can't lose. 'Cause I shiver, I just break up. When I'm near you it all gets out of hand. Yes I shiver, I get bent up. There's no way that I know you'll understand. We talk and talk, round it all. Who'd have thought we'd end up here? But I'm feeling fine. In a rush never trust, you'll be there If I'd only stop and take my time. 'Cause with you I'm running, running, running Somewhere I can't get to. Yes I have to, have to, have to Change the rules; I'm with you. 'Cause I shiver, I just break up. When I'm near you it all gets out of hand. Yes I shiver, I get bent up. There's no way that I know you'll understand. What if you get off at the next stop? Would you just wave as I'm drifting off? And if I never saw you again Could I (could I) keep all (all) of this (of this) inside? 'Cause I shiver, I just break up. When I'm near you it all gets out of hand. Yes I shiver, I get bent up. There's no way that I know you'll understand. (I'm running but my heart won't keep up. This feeling that I'm feeling is too much. There's nothing that can slow me down now. I'm running but I'll catch you somehow.) I shiver. I shiver. Yes I shiver, I just break up. When I'm near you it all gets out of hand. Yes I shiver, I get bent up. There's no way that I know you'll understand.

-Shiver , Natalie Imbruglia

Unlikely adoration?

Today's Quote:
If someone says:
"That's impossible."
You should understand it as:
"According to my very limited experience and narrow understanding of reality, that's very unlikely."
via Unicornology

*****************************************************************

This holiday holds some new experiences for me. In the last 8 years of my exodus from college, I've never felt like I needed to hold back from showing the people around me, materially, that they matter. I've held elaborate dinner parties, stood in line at electronic stores and purchased over the-top items...all in the name of L-O-V-E.

It's not about showing off or status, at least I didn't think it was, but it was more about giving back to people that I truly cared about. The people that showed me over and over again that I was loved and thought about. But do we really need to keep doing that? Does a show of immaterial adoration count for nothing? I watched a special on 20/20 last night about American couples who adopt older children from impoverished nations and the painful process of disruption - which is literally, after going through extensive adoption procedures and an extended home stay, the parents giving up their children either to the state or to special programs. A major reason in a lot of these cases is because the children suffer from behavior problems.

Most of the story focused on three adoptive children from a family in Tampa who were all "older" adoptions. And get this, the parents got older kids because they didn't want to deal with late night feedings or changing diapers. Originally from Russia, all three ended up being sent to a special camp where things like chores, structure and discipline were emphasized after becoming problem kids at home. Things like: waking up at 7am, weeding the yard, cooking, athletic activity were juxtaposed with horseback riding, swimming and eating together. And yet, in this environment, so different from their plush and decadent lifestyle in Tampa, the kids thrived. And the most important statement to come out of the whole thing? 16 year old Margarita who said, "[Elena] is a spoiled brat. Whenever they want to praise us, they take us shopping."

Wow, talk about a wake-up call. The parents seemed to think that they were welcoming the kids into a kind of Disneyland magic that would so compensate for their adoptees horrible childhood that it would wipe out bad memories completely. So intent on showering them with American riches, they forgot the fundamental and basic steps of parenting. Kids need love, understanding and structure. I got more and more upset while watching, thinking these two clueless people were unfit parents. That at 16 years old, Margarita had a better grasp at what makes a true family. But that wouldn't be fair either.

New parents have to learn as much as children do, that they are not perfect. And materialism can never replace spending time with someone. Children are not pets to be pampered and preened as show dogs. They are people who have their own individual personalities and thoughts. At the end of the day, it's not about a new dress or bag or food - it's about a hug and a reassurance that it's all going to be alright.

I say this right before accompanying my mother to her mecca for the year; the Annual SF Sample Sale. As each year has passed, I've been less and less inspired to go. Receiving an email today from a friend that stated: "Have fun at the sample sale, you always do." hit a dissonant chord. I'm not made of money, I'm smart with what I spend and have cut back on pretty much everything. And yet, all my friends think I do is shop. I don't know if this is a commentary on needing to change my life or their misconceptions. And it's disheartening that your friends put you into a little box because you know what designer is doing what. Just because I know that Sigerson Morrison designed the new shoe line at Target, doesn't mean that I own a pair of their $300 flats. These days, when I walk out of a store having purchased nothing because images of my closet swim in front of my eyes, I pat myself on the back. I may peruse online sites, but that's because it's eye candy. An easy way to see what is popular without actually purchasing anything. And yet, still, I am "Penny the Shopper."

This year, my brother wants me to take him and his friend to the airport for Christmas. My parents, being born in the Year of the Rat, will want either nothing or something fairly over the top (ie. tickets to Teatro Zinzanni). My little cousins are caught up in Jonas Bros everything, except for the one emo cousin who could probably use some Soundgarden. Immaterial adoration, is it possible? Sounds like plain old love to me.

From Russia with Love: Dealing with Difficult Adoptions

Livin' with what I got.

Whoa...ok enough with the aggro Pen.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, traditionally a holiday where we are remember what we're grateful for. When our bodies ease into family, food and comfort. And in these days of uncertainty, it is enough to have those people around us that we trust and that love us. Never mind the amount of love; it's just enough to have it. And I'm also grateful to have been able to give back (2 storebought dinners at church). To have the ability and the impulse to give is quite honestly, something that I wish I could empower everyone with.

This holiday, I am grateful to have the ability to love and to (for)give.

Have a wonderful holiday season!

And noww....Federico Fellini on the importance of women as counterparts:

We don't really know who woman is. She remains in that precise place within man where darkness begins. Talking about women means talking about the darkest part of ourselves, the undeveloped part, the true mystery within. In the beginning, I believe man was complete and androgynous-both male and female, or neither, like angels. Then came the division, and Eve was taken from him. So the problem for man is to reunite himself with the other half of his being, to find the woman who is right for him-right be she is simply a projection, a mirror of himself. A man can't become whole or free until he has set woman free-his woman. It's his responsibility, not hers. He can't be complete, truly alive until he makes her his sexual companion, and not a slave of libidinous acts or a saint with a halo.