El-e-va-tion!

don't worry, i'm not living in the wild with dingoes anywhere.

i've actually just been busy (with rehearsals and a residual non-paid job). and it's friday night, i'm staying in with an orange juice, tea and my thoughts. there were people out there to meet etc., and i'm not ready to face any of them yet. in fact, the only person i really wanted to talk to had other plans. so i'm in, to really...finally figure out what it is i'd like to do.

the first thing was to get clean. made up with my friend, wrote a letter to co-workers, have been working on meeting new guys and not obsessing too much over the last one. hanging out with family, bringing 100% to rehearsal and making my lifestyle match my income.

you know...people are truly wonderful. in the last couple of days since broadcasting my unemployed status off of facebook; i've gotten a ton of suggestions about what to do, where to go, a couple of interesting offers and just a bunch of loving support. how to apply for UI, who to talk to etc. But taking a step back and looking at the situation, if this is a culmination of all my worse fears, then it's something that i can move thru exactly the way it is happening. gently, quietly, easily. there is a little bit of a buffer zone that my ex-bosses graciously bestowed and what i'm learning is...

i have a little bit of time.
here's a great quote from wayne dyer's site today:

Release Others’ Expectations If you focus on what others expect of you, you’ll continue to act on and attract more of what they desire for you. But when you can shift your inner thoughts to what you intend to create and attract into your life, you will no longer have to give mental energy to what others want for you.

so i've figured out, I'd really like to do:

marketing/production: it's a huge industry and something i think i'd be really good at. it takes people skills and organizational skills. unfortunately, i think it also takes an mba.

voiceovers: i'm an actor with a fairly malleable voice. i used to love doing imitations of mrs. potts and audrey (little shop of horrors) when i was a kid. i've also been told that my voicemail sounds rather professional, and i've done a ton of reception. the only thing about voiceover work is that it's balls to break into.

writing: a book. about women. i'd go into it more, but i'm not sure it's ready conceptually. think of the 'unknown men' series i did last year and you'll get a better picture of it.

singing: obvious but true. move on this. make a demo. throw it out there. case in point - i love the lyrics to existentialism on prom night, but the vocals throw me. it's the one thing i take pride in doing well.

design: it's strange, but i have a very very weird skillset, and part of what i still love to do is be creative. to just take an idea or a need and run with it. see what comes up. this means a lot more classes in new design media.

here's what all of this means. it means time and commitment and investment. but the returns will be good. for now, i'm taking care of my mental health and what it really means to work. working at something, not just where i'm needed, but where i can be passionate and make a difference at what i do. Lena at Ch!cktionary also posted this site, geared more towards recent graduates, but still containing a lot of great tips for those of us looking.

30 in 30: the Insider's Guide to Job Hunting in '09

-most Americans will have held 10 different job positions by the time they are 40
-the average job hunt, sans recession, takes 4 months. Double that for our tough times
-don't just take jobs because you HAVE to. take a lower paying job if it makes you happier.
-look outside your normal "industry" to find jobs (this is why i started looking at the marketing listings on craigslist)
-above all, stick to your guns. if something doesn't sound like it's going to be a good fit for you, don't do it. you'll hate yourself and you won't do a good job.

karma

I am apparently made of FAIL. or the economy is.

got laid off yesterday.

nothing really to say, other than I wrote all my co-workers a very nice email.

so, let's recap. almost 30, no job, no boyfriend, living at home, doing a show but not getting paid. a close friend of mine may never talk to me again. fantastic - this is a great plot for a tv pilot. excuse me while i crawl into a hole for a while.

this is one of those entries that will probably go away later, but for now, is quite possibly the culmination of all my lifelong worse fears.

working on it.

it's been an inauspicious start to 2009.

no details.

but when you realize you've been looking for the answers in all the wrong places, and they're not WRONG people - it's just not fair for YOU to be asking THEM for answers all the time - you need to rethink your strategy.

so here goes.

more church.
more kids and vocal work and paid work.
more time realizing that he/she/they are not me.
more quiet time.
more peace.
more family.
more inside out, less outside in.
more listening. (less talking)
more big picture (less personal)

i am not without my faults.
i want forgiveness too.
i want respect too.
i have beliefs that others may not share.
i am here to have a human life.

it's ok for him/her/them not to understand me.
i do not have to explain everything.
but i will not carry anger.
i will not carry resentment.
i will not carry guilt nor shame.
i will not carry others.

Samsara by Alexis40

i resolve to take my time.
i resolve to seek peace and serenity.
i resolve to give up the little things for the big things.
i resolve to keep the good
i resolve to work on the bad
i resolve not to delete but slowly detach.

"When you have the choice to choose being right or being kind, choose to be kind." - Wayne Dyer.

less being right. more being kind.

21 and 23...violets

From Stephen Crane's - 'War is Kind' - 1899

XXI

A man said to the universe:

"Sir I exist!"

"However," replied the universe,

"The fact has not created in me

A sense of obligation."

---

XXIII

There was a land where lived no violets.

A traveller at once demanded : "Why?"

The people told him:

"Once the violets of this place spoke thus:

'Until some woman freely gives her lover

To another woman

We will fight in bloody scuffle.'"

Sadly the people added:

"There are no violets here."

“You never stop loving someone. You just learn to live without them”

Tupac

“I’m scared that I’m going to end up alone. I’m scared that I’m always going to be somebody’s friend, or sister, or confidant, never quite somebody’s everything.”

(via onemoretimewithfeeling!) (via boredintheburbs) (via notthatkindagay)

oh how time flies for tween queens.

watching mindless mtv, waiting for moward to crash warcloud's NYE party...again (it's my new new year's tradition, but this time I didn't walk the 19 blocks from nim's apt.)

Mr. Jones: That looks like a really bad version of Miley Cyrus.
Pen:...Dad, that IS Miley Cyrus
Dad; oh
Both: AHAHAHAHAH!

maybe I should just submit to MyDadIsAFob.com

HAPPY 2009 EVERYONE!

Never fading.

"I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out."
— Pablo Neruda

2008 has brought a veritable blitz on my ass (quoting Lena from the Chicktionary) - as it has for so many people. The latest unemployed count numbers up in the hundreds of thousands, civil unrest breaking out in Greece, India and the Gaza Strip, theft, violence, death all on the rise...and uh, Pen is not having the greatest year. But what is total destruction without the return of the dove and her olive branch? Sometimes the greatest annihilation clears the way so that we can see past all the false walls we've built up. To build a new structure, you can't build on a messed up foundation. You've really got to get down to the core, dig out the old concrete and pour a new one. Otherwise, you're just asking for your building to cave at the first San Andreas fault tremor.

If there's any time to take a spiritual look at life, it would probably be now. Whatever your beliefs, whomever you think leads your life choices. The choice now is not to be Christian or Buddhist, Daoist, Unitarian or to even prescribe to any label at all. But, instead to be, as Wayne Dyer says, Christ-like or Buddha-like. Change can be possible...if we only keep sending out our doves. If we keep looking for a solid place to build with only our faith in the Universe to rely upon. Keep sending out hopes and prayers that the child who will discover the cure for cancer or build a better way of travel isn't shot in Israel. That the person who could assassinate a president, decides to go a different way. And if we don't take care of our friends and family and neighbors NOW...when will we? Can we choose to be the dove?

Selfishly though, my recent thoughts haven't been on anyone dying or the unemployed or world economy or even Barack (even though he's awesome). They've been on the total breakdown of who I thought I was and thought I would accept. In the words of the Dixie Chicks, "I made a promise to myself, locked it away deep inside, told my heart we'd wait it out, swore we'd never compromise. Oh, I'd rather be alone like I am tonight, then settle for the kind of love that fades before the morning light..." Laughing at yourself and the utter disintegration of pre-prescribed standards, that you set, seems to be the only medicine for the comedic routine God calls life. Every stereotype and judgment that I've ever had? Has gone to pot, but only after a limited lifetime of experience. Now it's easy to say that maybe I'll never date again. That dating only leads to heartbreak. But the heartbreak is the thing that tells me I'm human and that I was full and complete in my actions. Being completely thrust into aching and wondering and emptiness is all part of the human experience. And it shows me, I am possibility.

But look at the quote by Neruda. Love changes people, and almost unfailingly, for the better. They expose the bits and parts of you that you never suspected you had. For making me realize this, I thank J. retroactively. As New Age woo-woo as this sounds; I realize, I am the possibility of love and not settling for anything less. And I will keep sending out my doves with only hope to build that dream upon.

ps. my fondest 2008 thanks and happy new year wishes to those out in the bloggyland - Kirk @ mmmyoso, Robyn @ TGWAE, Gala @ galadarling, Min @ cherrypickedwisdom, Tiff @ allthewine, jdawg the webmistress, lena @ chicktionary, jessiera (who reads what I write) and gilda @ queengilda....

and anyone else out there. Happy 2009. Be a dove.

How's that working for you?

"You we're born a human being. And not just any human being in the history of human beings, but a human being that gets to be alive today. That gets to listen to all kinds of music, that gets to eat food from every culture, that gets to download porn off the internet. So really, you have everything to live for."

Just bought and watched ‘Charlie Bartlett’ and was NOT totally disappointed., although, it does play a lot like ‘Pump Up the Volume’ Lite. Downey was good, Dennings continues to cement her role as the anti-manic pixie, real, awesome chick and even Yelchin (with the total, ice skating pairs name…oh wait, according to IMDB it IS!) was charming as hell, and I believe also did his own jazz piano work.

Sometimes, I think people could just use a hearty dose of STFU. I mean, really. Having just watched a film all about not giving a crap what other people think about you, I have thought that not caring, is great…in moderation. I walked 4 miles today, down to Golden Gate Park and back and came to the realization that there are a lot of friggin’ people in the world. I mean, a lot. I’m not used to that. I’m not used to seeing a lot of people that I don’t know. It made me very curious about why I didn’t know them. I’m totally serious. Half way through my little excursion, I started to feel really, really lonely. And called a friend to chat. Ironically, we started to go off on the feeling that we have so many people in our lives that it’s hard to catch up with all of them. But I still wanted to be known by all these anonymous people. And here I sit on the interwebs, complaining about my life (or lack thereof, yes I realize) expecting people to sympathize. But the truth is, I’m not doing anything special. I’m writing. I’m not out there, getting to know people.

Look, a lot of the writing I do here is for me. It’s obviously not something I mind sharing with the general public otherwise it wouldn’t be on the interwebs, but for the most part, I’m writing it for me. It’s the quintessential ego stroke. I like that people read it and respond to it, but I’m not writing most of my entries for others. It’s one of the very few outlets where I don’t care what others think, but when I write, I write things based on the karma I want to put out in the world.

“I used to think when I was little, every song was about me.” – Pink

Great art is something that we can all relate to. And the best thing about any art is that artists never create it for anyone else but themselves. Whether you feel connected or not is up to you.