Change the rules.

I walk a mile with a smile. I don't know I don't care where I am, But I know it's all right. Jump the tracks, can't get back. I don't know anyone round here, But I'm safe this time. 'Cause when you tell me, tell me, tell me Stupid things like you do, Yes I have to, have to, have to Change the rules; I can't lose. 'Cause I shiver, I just break up. When I'm near you it all gets out of hand. Yes I shiver, I get bent up. There's no way that I know you'll understand. We talk and talk, round it all. Who'd have thought we'd end up here? But I'm feeling fine. In a rush never trust, you'll be there If I'd only stop and take my time. 'Cause with you I'm running, running, running Somewhere I can't get to. Yes I have to, have to, have to Change the rules; I'm with you. 'Cause I shiver, I just break up. When I'm near you it all gets out of hand. Yes I shiver, I get bent up. There's no way that I know you'll understand. What if you get off at the next stop? Would you just wave as I'm drifting off? And if I never saw you again Could I (could I) keep all (all) of this (of this) inside? 'Cause I shiver, I just break up. When I'm near you it all gets out of hand. Yes I shiver, I get bent up. There's no way that I know you'll understand. (I'm running but my heart won't keep up. This feeling that I'm feeling is too much. There's nothing that can slow me down now. I'm running but I'll catch you somehow.) I shiver. I shiver. Yes I shiver, I just break up. When I'm near you it all gets out of hand. Yes I shiver, I get bent up. There's no way that I know you'll understand.

-Shiver , Natalie Imbruglia

Unlikely adoration?

Today's Quote:
If someone says:
"That's impossible."
You should understand it as:
"According to my very limited experience and narrow understanding of reality, that's very unlikely."
via Unicornology

*****************************************************************

This holiday holds some new experiences for me. In the last 8 years of my exodus from college, I've never felt like I needed to hold back from showing the people around me, materially, that they matter. I've held elaborate dinner parties, stood in line at electronic stores and purchased over the-top items...all in the name of L-O-V-E.

It's not about showing off or status, at least I didn't think it was, but it was more about giving back to people that I truly cared about. The people that showed me over and over again that I was loved and thought about. But do we really need to keep doing that? Does a show of immaterial adoration count for nothing? I watched a special on 20/20 last night about American couples who adopt older children from impoverished nations and the painful process of disruption - which is literally, after going through extensive adoption procedures and an extended home stay, the parents giving up their children either to the state or to special programs. A major reason in a lot of these cases is because the children suffer from behavior problems.

Most of the story focused on three adoptive children from a family in Tampa who were all "older" adoptions. And get this, the parents got older kids because they didn't want to deal with late night feedings or changing diapers. Originally from Russia, all three ended up being sent to a special camp where things like chores, structure and discipline were emphasized after becoming problem kids at home. Things like: waking up at 7am, weeding the yard, cooking, athletic activity were juxtaposed with horseback riding, swimming and eating together. And yet, in this environment, so different from their plush and decadent lifestyle in Tampa, the kids thrived. And the most important statement to come out of the whole thing? 16 year old Margarita who said, "[Elena] is a spoiled brat. Whenever they want to praise us, they take us shopping."

Wow, talk about a wake-up call. The parents seemed to think that they were welcoming the kids into a kind of Disneyland magic that would so compensate for their adoptees horrible childhood that it would wipe out bad memories completely. So intent on showering them with American riches, they forgot the fundamental and basic steps of parenting. Kids need love, understanding and structure. I got more and more upset while watching, thinking these two clueless people were unfit parents. That at 16 years old, Margarita had a better grasp at what makes a true family. But that wouldn't be fair either.

New parents have to learn as much as children do, that they are not perfect. And materialism can never replace spending time with someone. Children are not pets to be pampered and preened as show dogs. They are people who have their own individual personalities and thoughts. At the end of the day, it's not about a new dress or bag or food - it's about a hug and a reassurance that it's all going to be alright.

I say this right before accompanying my mother to her mecca for the year; the Annual SF Sample Sale. As each year has passed, I've been less and less inspired to go. Receiving an email today from a friend that stated: "Have fun at the sample sale, you always do." hit a dissonant chord. I'm not made of money, I'm smart with what I spend and have cut back on pretty much everything. And yet, all my friends think I do is shop. I don't know if this is a commentary on needing to change my life or their misconceptions. And it's disheartening that your friends put you into a little box because you know what designer is doing what. Just because I know that Sigerson Morrison designed the new shoe line at Target, doesn't mean that I own a pair of their $300 flats. These days, when I walk out of a store having purchased nothing because images of my closet swim in front of my eyes, I pat myself on the back. I may peruse online sites, but that's because it's eye candy. An easy way to see what is popular without actually purchasing anything. And yet, still, I am "Penny the Shopper."

This year, my brother wants me to take him and his friend to the airport for Christmas. My parents, being born in the Year of the Rat, will want either nothing or something fairly over the top (ie. tickets to Teatro Zinzanni). My little cousins are caught up in Jonas Bros everything, except for the one emo cousin who could probably use some Soundgarden. Immaterial adoration, is it possible? Sounds like plain old love to me.

From Russia with Love: Dealing with Difficult Adoptions

Livin' with what I got.

Whoa...ok enough with the aggro Pen.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, traditionally a holiday where we are remember what we're grateful for. When our bodies ease into family, food and comfort. And in these days of uncertainty, it is enough to have those people around us that we trust and that love us. Never mind the amount of love; it's just enough to have it. And I'm also grateful to have been able to give back (2 storebought dinners at church). To have the ability and the impulse to give is quite honestly, something that I wish I could empower everyone with.

This holiday, I am grateful to have the ability to love and to (for)give.

Have a wonderful holiday season!

And noww....Federico Fellini on the importance of women as counterparts:

We don't really know who woman is. She remains in that precise place within man where darkness begins. Talking about women means talking about the darkest part of ourselves, the undeveloped part, the true mystery within. In the beginning, I believe man was complete and androgynous-both male and female, or neither, like angels. Then came the division, and Eve was taken from him. So the problem for man is to reunite himself with the other half of his being, to find the woman who is right for him-right be she is simply a projection, a mirror of himself. A man can't become whole or free until he has set woman free-his woman. It's his responsibility, not hers. He can't be complete, truly alive until he makes her his sexual companion, and not a slave of libidinous acts or a saint with a halo.

It may be a liquid burger, but eggnog is love.

The most fun sentence to come out of my rant yesterday?

And your quasi-intellectual, self-indulgent declarations of "life" and pompous self-discovery are like the whisperings of a spoiled emo 15 year old xanga blogger. Fuck you.

A sure cure for angry break-up depression?
Hot ass John Legend. Noggin' some egg.

The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

A Colbert Christmas: John Legend

Ron Paul Interview
Bob Barr Interview

Green Screen
Bill O'Reilly Interview

Every time I think about you, I have to remind myself that if you wanted
to talk to me, you would.

via unicornology — (via littlemiss) (via crazybeautiful) (via bon-bon)

with strings attached.

I might not blog for awhile, but I didn't want you guys to be concerned. Who knows, I may blog tomorrow, but you know...just in case.

I just saw this book at Barnes and Noble, it seemed to sum up everything that was wrong with the boy I was seeing. I am currently in the anger phase of recovery and don't feel like quite sharing with the rest of the world.

But he got the boot. For my own mental health. For my own happiness. Cause I give a crap about ME. And I am made of awesome.

Exorcising demons that weren't mine to bear.

The world belongs to those who stand out, stand up and stand for or against a cause which they can strongly defend, those who can talk crowd and keep their virtues or walk with kings and not lose the common touch – their identity. An independent mind is a frontier of change in the world. -Tayo Korede

(via Nubbytwiglet's entry on Personal Branding and Blogging)

Today, sitting here, making the hard decisions. I've been getting down on myself lately for not showing more...iniative. Even though the phlegm has been hitting hard and heavy, Rocky ended and I stepped directly into another show. Jerrsika reminded me of all of this yesterday, and justified a break today. So I've been sitting watching CSI: NY for the last three hours or so. I'm soon to bound downstairs to clean my desk.

A change is gonna come. Soon. If I decide it. I'll be living in my present and not his past.

Here's how NOT to make rice pudding:

a) do not use uncooked arborio rice. There are about 1-1/2 gallons of liquid needed, and the rice will release it's starch. Instead, use the leftover cooked rice already in the rice cooker.

b) do not use coconut milk even though you're trying to use it up. First of all, at a very high temperature, the milk will start to release its oils and it will also add a slightly chalky flavor that's not appropriate for rice pudding

c) do not add pureed fruit. It will make it taste even stranger. Esp. do not use raspberries that have seeds.

Dammit...what do I do with this pot of crap now?

Wind of banners.

Things to Love Thursday.

Pablo Neruda Poems - ever since trying to watch Il Postino twice when I was younger, in the vain hopes that it would make me more cultured or more cool as it were. I think it was my favorite idea of a "sensual" adult movie that I could watch with my then boyfriend.

All it did was give me a lifelong love of Italy. And Pablo Neruda, on a beach, explaining love to a hunky but clueless ragazzo.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine. ...
"If You Forget Me" by Pablo Neruda

And today's, 'Blogs of Note': Happy Mundane
It's not the first time I've just randomly clicked on a BON link, and yet again, I have been conveniently pleased.

It brings up a question though. Are we naturally a suspicious species? Do we tend to distrust anything that has any whiff of coporate stamp of appeal - or something that we heard of via a mainstream source? I remember when "Single Ladies" was the fucking bomb esp. when my cast members were doing their own versions in the back alley on Capp. But now that everyone and their mother is "putting a ring on it" as it were on YouTube, does it make the video any less cool? No, just more popular.