payables.

I am tempted to send in my recently acquired parking ticket with the following message:

"I would be more than happy to pay this if you jerks would send me my tax return that I filed more than a month and a half ago."

think they'd buy it?

fucktards

Ok…the most annoying thing happened to me today.

I sang at church in the morning, which is something that I absolutely love. First of all, I get to perform for people. Service is now later in the morning and there’s only one service, but I still get the same pay. And yes, I love LOVE the spirituality and message that I get at this particular church. I get back as much as I give; I have always had a good time singing there and the congregation is warm, welcoming and kind.

So I often go into church incredibly open and responsive. Some may call it being vulnerable, but in order to be a great artist – you have to be receptive to your environment and how it informs your performance. (I hesitate to use words like “craft” or “art” –but I’m close to using them) It’s wonderful to receive people’s praise and thanks and it’s great to give it back.

Imagine my surprise today, then, when this weird shit happened after service:

Approaching Random Dude: “Oh! (takes my hands) You’re a doll! You have a wonderful voice.”
Me: Thank you! Thanks for coming to service today!
RD: You’re beautiful, are you married?!? (looks at my hand)
Me: Uhm..haha (laughs nervously) no.
RD: Because, I mean, Asian women are so amazing. I have a friend, down in Santa Cruz – who is totally looking for an Asian wife. I mean, he would love to have an Asian wife. He’s always saying he wants an Asian girl to marry.
Me: Ummm…haha (looking for the closest exit) thank you?
RD: Cause Asian girls are so cute. He really wants to marry an Asian.
Me: I’m not sure whether to be flattered or offended.
RD: Oh, don’t be like that.
Me: Well – uh – heh heh.
RD: Cause you know, when I saw you there. I thought of my friend. There’s something about Asian girls that don’t have accents that’s just mmph! Like, you don’t have an accent. You were born here right? Yeah, so it’s just so attractive to see Asian women with no accents!
Me: Well, this is San Francisco – so there are a lot more of us. I mean at least in my generation.
RD: Yeah! But still, you don’t see a whole lot of that.
Me: Well, you’re probably going to see more cause you know…[then I saw my friend Zac and immediately FLED over to talk to him, essentially running my ass away from the Random Dude]

Ok. WHAT. THE. FUCK?!
I can't believe that fucktards like this EXIST! And seriously, if it hadn't really happened to me today, I wouldn't be as mad as I am. Dude, this is 2009! We are not back in the 40s and please, PLEASE do not make assumptions about people that you don’t know. I don’t walk around making assumptions about people that are Italian or Irish or Peruvian or transsexual– and yet, it’s 2009 and people are still making fucking presumptive assumptions based upon my outward appearance. I would never be as presumptive to think that his friend (based on Random Dude’s general age and appearance) is: white, fat, lazy, old and ugly and probably wants an Asian woman to fawn on his ass because he went to Thailand with a fistful of dollars and all of them scammed him for his money and he probably slept with a tranny hooker. I mean, I’m not going to assume that.

But also, what a HORRIBLE horrible place to have been assaulted like this. Within three feet of my pastor, who I KNOW heard the entire discourse. I don’t want to ever discourage people not to attend my service, because I love it, but I hope this man never shows his face again. I’m so SICK AND TIRED of people making up stuff about me because I just happen to have a certain genetic code that ties me to a particular ethnicity.

Second of all: DON'T BE LIKE THAT? Like what, prey tell?! Like I have an opinion? Like I deserve to be treated like a person and an individual and not like a grouped generality? Like I shouldn't protest when someone is being a DOUCHEBAG? It's like telling me I want to be raped or something. That it's a compliment that a white man came up to me to tell me that I'm attractive and they want to introduce me to their socially awkward, romantically insecure geekfest of a friend who desires an Asian woman...because she's exotic and totally sexually promiscuous. That I shouldn't ask or wonder if people's intentions are pure? Fuck you! Don't tell me how to think or what I should or shouldn't say!

I am proud to be Asian American – but you know what? I get to create, manifest and illuminate what that experience means to me. And until you ARE Asian American you will never know what it is like to be me. You can eat all the kim chee, watch all the Bruce Lee, practice all the martial arts/tai chi/yoga, get all the massages with the happy endings, speak all the Korean/Cantonese/Mandarin/Thai, read all the Tao Tse Ching and Confuscian thought, watch all the film festivals, learn all the tinikling and Chinese opera, write all the kanji, eat all the sushi and dim sum you want – but that will never mean that one gender or one ethnicity or ONE PERSON can be rolled up into a little ball that is completely understood by stereotypical aspects.

As an ambassador type figure for the Church, and an obvious figurehead for it’s message on this particular day, I found it hard to be rude to anyone. And yet, I wish I had. I wish I had told this man to go FUCK himself. How could anyone assume anything about anyone based on exterior appearances? He just kept emphasizing the “Asian” and “wife” as if that was the purpose of my entire existence. That I went to college, worked in a pretty fulfilling career for the last 6 years, and based my entire life around waiting for this jackass to walk into my CHURCH and tell me that a random stranger in Santa Cruz has been looking for an Asian woman to marry. I mean did he think that my reaction would be: Well, HEY! I’m Asian and that’s been the best offer I’ve had all year, so I should TOTALLY go for it, cause you know I’m not an American citizen so I need the green card.

as my friend Amosing said: Damn, girl. The crazy thing is that people don't even know that they are assholes.

Exactly: people are retarded. And they continue to pro-create. Help.

girlcrushes

as a card carrying member of the vagina squad, I am allowed to have crushes on other women sans scrutiny. even though, with the advent of the 'metro-man', men are more likely these days to admit their admiration and total awe of another member of their species, they're not as likely to do it as women are. women are totally allowed to be awe struck and inspired by other women as they are to be jealous of them. i think probably the main difference being that jealousy often stems from the other woman being fabulous...but a bitch. (although i'm sure the Speer would beg to differ) when i am in total awe of another member of the v-squad, it's because on top of being absolutely talented, spiritual, caring and beautiful - the woman is often times kind, humorous and compassionate.

enter girlcrush #1: Natalie Portman.

1) she's a member of my generation who was cast in all three new 'Star Wars' movies. now, granted, those movies sort of blew, but you have to admit, Portman looks stunning in all three and manages to carry off the grace of a queen and a diplomat in ungainly costumes. and she's a fucking part of geek history. go Natalie! evidence: she's geek-chic

2) she's a Harvard graduate and in her time there, bucked trends by writing a controversial article for the Crimson, as response to an anti-israeli letter. evidence: she's smart & ballsy.

3) a model darling for marc jacobs and other high fashion magazines like vogue - her bone structure is to die for and she looks good in pretty much anything. evidence: she's gorgeous

4) portman hasn't been afraid to shave her head for movies (V for Vendetta) or date one of the weirdest musicians ever alive (Devendra Barnhardt) and star in his video. she sticks to her choices and makes them work. evidence: she's original

5) she created her own vegan shoe line that's not only cute but completely animal and cruelty free. Portman was involved with the 2004 presidential campaign of Democratic candidate John Kerry and has supported antipoverty activities. In 2004 and 2005, she traveled to Uganda, Guatemala, and Ecuador as the Ambassador of Hope for FINCA International, an organization that promotes micro-lending to help finance women-owned businesses in poor countries. evidence: she's consciencious

6) portman is multi-talented, starring both on broadway as well as in major hollywood movies. but she's rarely shown dancing on tables or falling over drunk. her very first movie was the action classic, 'the Professional' where she was shown opposite Jean Reno and Gary Oldman at the ripe old age of 13 and she held her own. evidence: she's mature and multi-faceted.

7) she did a spoof on SNL of herself as a gangster rapper. she's also appeared in such indie cult flicks as 'Garden State' as the quirky posterchild for Manic Pixies and 'Mars Attacks'. evidence: she doesn't take herself that seriously.

So there you have it, Natalie Portman as my official nomination for girlcrush. what's yours?

Fading.

reblogged from the ch!cktionary:

To be honest, I hope I never feel compelled to write here again. It’s an artifact from a time when I was unsure about many things, most of all my worthiness of being loved. Years from now, whether we work out or not, I don’t want to read about Patrick. I’m certain of that much. If we’re still together, then this version of him will seem like such a distant representation of who he later becomes. And if we’re not, then I don’t want anyone — least of all myself — reminding me that I was once in love. Living it will have been enough.

I wonder sometimes, those of you out there, that don't keep journals or blogs or diaries or pictures, basically those of you that don't have the time or inclination to jot down memories - how much more freer you are. I have a tendency to use writing to clear my head, to do something with permanence. So that I have a way to look back and...self-analyze, reflect and also be able to relive memories. But sometimes, actual, awkward memories keep us in states of stagnation that we need not be.

This has been why, since X., I've been a lot more careful about writing about guys. Almost because I don't want to jinx relationships I've been in. And because, these guys usually don't know about me writing blogs and I don't think they should be as privvy to my mental state as uh...the rest of the interwebs is. Don't ask me why.

But the counter to that is, I don't always remember the amazing things that happened - so every memory is a tad hazy. The motion of lips against hands, sea air on a pier, purple sarongs and Italian American fairs...start to go away. But is that where they're supposed to be?

Boneless rabbity

You know, if I'm gonna blog a funny email, I'm going to blog all of the ones I get. I did the one from J-3 first cause it was the first thing, in a while, (or maybe since Friday) to make me laugh really really hard. So, to be fair, lots of friends have been sending me lovely and hilarious things to cheer me up. Like this from Wen:

So my friend recommended I Google Angora Rabbit...and when I saw it, I totally thought of you! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angora_rabbit Not in a bad way...but that you would appreciate it just as much as me...the "What the...is that real?!?! How does it get around? Does it have bones?..." The questions are endless...:D

It's like a giant poofball! Afro puff rabbit! I think the only reason people comb out their angora rabbits into afropuffs is because they're going to trim them, otherwise they just look like slightly puffier versions of the regular ones. I've actually seen these before because Jenny @ LJC FYI used to have an angora rabbit and she posted pics. But seeing them again still is pretty giggly. I mean, imagine these huge poofs hopping around your yard. ahah.

Best anti-depressant ever

Sometimes, you just need an email from a fucking amazing friend to make you feel better. Originally from my friend J-3, who moved his ass out to NYC, but is still one of my most favorite people in the whole world for free verse/prose:

But then remember that Baz Luhrmann song from our high school graduation year with all the graduation advice? The lyrics were originally a newspaper column in the Chicago Tribune, and then they circulated online with the false claim they were a commencement address by Kurt Vonnegut. One of the lyrics is "The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't." I always remember that line because the singer gets the inflection wrong and emphasizes "most" both times. Idiot.

bwahaha! Best pre-birthday present, ever. Write me something hilarious people. I'll dig it.

I'm only human

I refuse.

simply to let you pass me by.

to read your words and let them not affect me.

to hear your song and not cry.

i'm human, love.

you will not pass me by.

a long overdue conversation with my Lil'Mermaid last night, even though, she is at present, 3000 miles back across the country. the moment that you realize you are not the crazy one, where you shine like the goddess you know you are in your heart - not in a flash of arrogance, but of truth, because each of us, believe it or not, is a type of god or goddess - is the moment you start to believe. believe that love exists for all of us. believe that not now doesn't mean not ever or never. believe that the path, though broken and woody, is the path we're meant to be on. at the same time, it's good to have the friends that believe in you. who see your goodness and right to be loved, loved so deeply and fully it hurts. who hold your hand when you are scared and lonely. the friends that know you are meant for something better, and not only that, it will come. the love that is extraordinary, the love you are searching for, not willing to settle for, the love who is looking for you too. the most extraordinary of people, to fit like that perfect thing - to settle into that feeling of, "oh, that's what was missing."

and believe that maybe, just maybe, you haven't met this person yet, but they might just be right around the corner.

It is not the moment we chose to love that we begin to move towards freedom, because love is so rarely a choice. Love is an instinct, an accident, an epiphany, a stomach ache. It can feel like incarceration and pardon, alienation and intimacy, tragedy and comedy. It so often grabs us by the collar and drags us in whatever direction it feels magnetized. We don’t choose it. It harangues us.

It is the moment we critically and consciously choose how to shape our love that we move towards freedom. It is a critical response to our commercialized culture of romance, a rejection of that which feels outdated, a vision of a more inclusive, more authentic, more liberating relationship. In fact, the moment we choose to shape our love is the first, most critical step in shaping the whole God damn world.

— Why Love Is Our Most Powerful, Lasting Form of Activism. I’m learning to be brave. (via Kate) (via tarts)

for all that you have been, all that you will be, know that I have always wanted you to be happy. I shape my care for you now, from afar. in the hopes that one day, we'll find a peace of getting to be together in someway. in a way that makes us both happy.