boundaries of an...@ kind

don't you hate it when you finally work up the courage to email someone and you are foiled by their inaccessibility? Especially when, you write the email in the morning, send it off, spend all day out of the house so you won't obsessively check your email every 20 minutes and are still disappointed when you return home, 7-8 hours later to find that there is still no response?

because your brain then goes into overdrive. (I think I've blogged about this before) I just want instant gratification for my willingness to step outside the boundaries of my emotional comfort zone. That is, I want someone to email me back instantly, saying how much they've missed me, how much they value me as a person and yes, they'd love to see me later.

instead, I'm forced to sit in technological limbo for another night - when I've already willed myself to stay away from the computer all day - trying to decide whether this person is consciously ignoring me, not answering any emails, or deciding how to reject my naively trusting and open little soul.

hate it.

J-Live..."Satisfied?"

Hey yo
Lights, camera, tragedy, comedy, romance
You better dance from your fighting stance
Or you'll never have a fighting chance
In the rat race
Where the referee's son started way in advance
But still you livin' the American Dream
Silk PJ's, sheets and down pillows
Who the fuck would wanna wake up?
You got it good like hot sex after the break up
Your four car garage it's just more space to take up
You even bought your mom a new whip scrap the jalopy
Thousand dollar habit, million dollar hobby
You a success story everybody wanna copy
But few work for it, most get jerked for it
If you think that you could ignore it, you're ig-norant
A fat wallet still never made a man free
They say to eat good, yo, you gotta swallow your pride
But dead that game plan, I'm not satisfied

[Chorus]
The poor get worked, the rich get richer
The world gets worse, do you get the picture?
The poor gets dead, the rich get depressed
The ugly get mad, the pretty get stressed
The ugly get violent, the pretty get gone
The old get stiff, the young get stepped on
Whoever told you that it was all good lied
So throw your fists up if you not satisfied

{*Singing*}
Are you satisfied?
I'm not satisfied

Hey yo, the ants still steal
The anthrax got my whole earth wearin' a mask and gloves to get a meal
I know a older guy that lost twelve close peeps on 9-1-1
While you kickin' up punchlines and puns
Man fuck that shit, this is serious biz
By the time Bush is done, you won't know what time it is
If it's war time or jail time, time for promises
And time to figure out where the enemy is
The same devils that you used to love to hate
They got you so gassed and shook now, you scared to debate
The same ones that traded books for guns
Smuggled drugs for funds
And had fun lettin' off forty-one
But now it's all about NYPD caps
And Pentagon bumper stickers
But yo, you still a nigga
It ain't right them cops and them firemen died
The shit is real tragic, but it damn sure ain't magic
It won't make the brutality disappear
It won't pull equality from behind your ear
It won't make a difference in a two-party country
If the president cheats, to win another four years
Now don't get me wrong, there's no place I'd rather be
The grass ain't greener on the other genocide
But tell Huey Freeman don't forget to cut the lawn
And uproot the weeds
Cuz I'm not satisfied

[Chorus]

{*Singing*}
All this genocide
Is not justified
Are you satisfied?
I'm not satisfied

Yo, poison pushers making paper off of pipe dreams
They turned hip-hop to a get-rich-quick scheme
The rich minorities control the gov'ment
But they would have you believe we on the same team
So where you stand, huh?
What do you stand for?
Sit your ass down if you don't know the answer
Serious as cancer, this jam demands your undivided attention
Even on the dance floor
Grab the bull by the horns, the bucks by the antlers
Get yours, what're you sweatin' the next man for?
Get down, feel good to this, let it ride
But until we all free, I'll never be satisfied

[Chorus] - Repeat 2x

{*Singing with talking in background*}
Are you satisfied?
(whoever told you that it was all good lied)
I'm not satisfied
(Throw your fists up if you not satisfied)
Are you satisfied?
(Whoever told you that it was all good lied)
I'm not satisfied
(So throw your fists up)
(So throw your fists up)
(Throw your fists up)

I will be your father figure...

Overheard in the car:

Pen: So what's your middle name?
Bagel: What do you think it is? What initial is it?
Pen: ...J...or M
Bagel: Ok, it's the first one.
Pen: Hmmm...James
Bagel: Close. My middle name IS Biblical.
Pen: John? Jacob?
Bagel: nope
Pen: Jonah?
Bagel: (laughs) that would be cool.
Pen: ...JESUS? Is your middle name JESUS?!
Bagel: WHAT? No! ahha! I've heard of people calling their kids "Hey-zeus", but not just "Jesus". Wouldn't that give your kid a complex?
Pen: (mocking parents) Well you know, we didn't want you to get all full of yourself, so we made it your MIDDLE name.

Father's Day Nosh.

Sometimes good things don't fade away, they just keep getting better.

Father's Day marked my second return to Mission Beach Cafe. After hearing about my pie experiences there two months ago with SquirreMonk, he was rather intrigued and when I suggested it for brunch, he got pretty excited. Only problem? MBC doesn't take reservations for brunch or breakfast on Sundays.

And they open at 9am. Okkk.

Good thing we got up early - there was already a line 6 people deep when we got there at 8:50am! Holy Hipster Hangout Batman! But for good reason..Exhibit ACandied pepper BACON...mmm...delicious carmelized pieces of fatty pork. FRIED. You take delicious slices of fried pork product and you add a syrupy outer coating and none of that pancake nonsense. We tore through this pretty fast.

Mr. Jones had a pulled pork and sweet potato hash with sauteed gai lan (yeah, no joke) and a fried egg on top. What made this dish so good was the fact that the pork had been deeply marinated and almost double fried - sort of like carnitas. But the flavors were so yummy - well seasoned and juicy and the portion was substantial.

Mymymy and I both had the dungeness crab Benedict with house potatoes.Impressive hollandaise. It was light, citrusy and creamy all at the same time. House potatoes were sort of "meh" - they looked crispy, but weren't really. That's ok, the freshness of the crab (not a cake) and hollandaise more than made up for it. In fact, I believe the waitress actually told us that our orders were taking a little bit longer because the kitchen was making another batch of eggy sauce.

I love the interior of MBC, the tables are these roughly hewn but polished and laquired slabs of wood. light colors with a full pastry bar serving coffee to people who just happen to stroll in and couldn't get a seat. The only thing is the aisle walkway between two rows of seating is just a leetle too small (esp. when you have two bears sitting back to back) to pass through. But the food is delicious and at about $23 a person (not too bad of a deal). Dinner is just as good, with Pot Pie Tuesdays, a full dessert bar of at least three pies per night and

Plus we picked up some pastries that we ate for lunch: Croissant - best one I've had in a while, a little on the moist side, but had a delicious buttery center. Scone - YUMMY! blueberries in a crumbly dough. Pecan roll - surprisingly not as good as the croissant, a little on the too sweet side, but still really good.

Mission Beach Cafe
198 Guerrero Street @ 14th
SF, CA 94103
415.861-0198

********
-oh, and my other theater news? Sugar's daughter that I recently coached for her summer drama camp's audition? Got the LEAD. She's Belle in 'Beauty and the Beast'! I'm literally over the moon.

letters to my "mother"

ugh...I am going to sound like a 14 year old emo adolescent,

BUT

I have no idea how my mother can spend an entire 8 hours at home, and
a) find rat poo but not CLEAN it up
b) NOT wash her fucking dishes
c) CLAIM not to have found ANY food in the fridge when there is clearly
- a full rack of ribs (still in plastic)
- a full package of chicken breasts (still in plastic)
- 10 eggs
- 1/2 a can of Spam
- zucchini, onions, carrots, broccoli, salad greens
- fresh noodles
- 1/2 a ball of fresh mozzerella
and a ton of condiments in there. (plus lunchmeat)
As well as 1/2 a box of Cheerios, sundry fruits and other dried foodstuffs around. And let us not talk about her starting to cook HERSELF dinner at 7:45, after I had already been home for 2-1/2 hrs., cooked for myself and cleaned my dishes
d) lay into Mr. Jones who had just gotten home from working two jobs (one in San Jose)

STOP HUFFING FROM THE CRAZY/LAZY BOX MOM AND CLEAN UP ALREADY.
-your loving daughter.

down the rabbithole

Mmmph...beautiful. Images from Tim Burton's, "Alice In Wonderland" - GORGEOUS.

Bib by bit, beat by beat, part by part

boof...it's been a week. a good one, but full of work and other sundry distractions...

This time around, being a part of production for 'TheWho'sT' aka TWOT - I'm really getting to see how the other side works. How many decisions are made, some based on seemingly arbitrary yet instinctual reasoning. Like casting. And auditions in general. One of the things I've been getting used to is trying to make unbiased and objective decisions. It's not easy. And also, a completely idealized situation - in that it's FICTIONAL. An actor can always make the entire audition process easier on themselves by repeating over and over, "It's just the business...it's just the business." And, I'm learning as associate producer - how much of that is true and how much it isn't. New faces can have such a hard time breaking into the business based on the fact that producers often pick people they know and like over untested talent - it's the reason they started a theater company in the first place! So that their friends who weren't getting cast could finally get cast. Remember, Steppenwolf and Berkeley Rep and the Actors Gang were once fledgling companies full of new talent too; they made their mistakes, built reputations and evolved. It's completely unfair of course, but the best thing for actors to do is just get over it and move on. You will always have greater and better opportunities come along. Or it could be a wake up call to get your ass to class or to make that financial sacrifice for a greater artistic/career return later on.

On the production side, we have to get over the feeling that we're hurting people's feelings for the greater good of the show. There were definitely some decisions made in this process that I did not agree with; I'm only hoping that our director and musical director are making decisions that will make a better show. (We can often lose sight of the greater goal in light of keeping our current relationships intact.) I HATED having to tell my friend who was up for a lead that we were only giving her a smaller female soloist part, esp. since she rocked the audition. But in the grander scheme of things - you have to look at the big picture. She was able to get good feedback from me and the reassurance that it wasn't her talent at all, but her biological age, which is literally nothing she can do about.

It's also learning how to be a bottom liner and a hard ass. I get that people are upset when they don't get cast in the part that they want, but it doesn't mean that we're bad people. We're putting on a show with the cast that makes the best sense. Ian McKellen and Selena Gomez might be fine, fiscally sound decisions for each of their distinct genres - but does that mean we put them into a film together? Mymymy was complaining all through breakfast this morning about Josh Groban's wooden acting in 'Chess'. I'm waiting to see it for myself, but part of me poo-poos her opinion - when did SHE last take an acting class? And at the same time, it IS her opinion, as the unschooled and uneducated audience layperson as it were, that matters to the funders and producers of something as widely televised as a concert version of an Abba musical on PBS. Not every person who goes to see your show is going to be an aficionado. So general appeal is something you always have to be aware of as well as artistic/critical acclaim.

There's also things like chemistry between actors, addictions or diva attitudes any of them might have, other time commitments, commitment level in general, visual appeal or appropriateness, willingness to work/flexibility, blend-chorale voice vs. unusual, union status...all sorts of things go into a casting session.

It's just the business...

****************************
Hiked 6 miles of Muir Wood beauty with Bagel yesterday. Didn't leave the city til 1:30 and got caught up in touristy traffic; but still ended up with an amazing parking spot. We had driven all the way down the hill looking for parking, turned around and decided to head back to one of the larger lots, where we staked out an opening. Bagel started to get antsy, "We're never going to get a spot, there are five people ahead of us." Sometimes, the simple phrase, "Have faith," while said in a moment of jest, means more to one person than another. We got an awesome space when someone behind us left. high-five!

Ironically, he wore a Stanford t-shirt and I was wearing a Cal windbreaker - on purpose. I don't know if we did that to ourselves, but it's weird to have the same sort of brain as somebody else.

Dipsea Trail was a whole lot of up on the way, but offered an amazingly beautiful and often shaded trail. The redwood grove main trail while paved, looked swamped with people - while the one we were on was incredibly serene (probably helped that we were hiking around 3pm) and gave us time to catch up, hike at our own pace and relax. On the way back we ran into three women, foraging, who asked us, "Can we eat these berries?" Uhm...isn't one of the main rules of hiking is that you never eat anything you find on the trail? We were joking later, "Headlines; three women hospitalized after eating poisoned trail berries. Stanford and Cal student sought for questioning."

Tons of darkly moist glens, a good workout and an astounding view of the Bay up at the top while spending more time with a new friend is always a good way to spend your Saturday.

*******
later: Father's Day @ MBC and some more good acting news!