don't make me knife you.

Dear Universe:

I'm fucking pissed. I'm tired of this "busy" business. Or this "professor post-doc" business. I'm tired of you putting quite lovely, intelligent and caring men in my life and then taking them away. It's almost worse than putting crappy guys in my life. At least with those, I have an excuse to kick them to the curb and have them outted as douches to the entire community. With the good guys, they're trying to please you too and they think the way to do that is to drop me. I'm tired of not being in a healthy, supportive, loving, relationship, not having a ring and not having a house or kids. Stop dangling the carrots. I've had quite enough of your crap.

If you had a manual for how to get through relationships, you omitted mine in the orientation. Or when you passed out the list to get one, you passed by my row. And you automatically handed it to the clique of mean girls in the row behind me. The ones who had been putting gum in my hair, laughing at my haircut and calling me fat. And you gave them the cream of the crop? Um, HELLO?! Not in the least bit fair.

Stop shoving the wedding announcements, engagement photos, diamond rings and baby pictures into my eyeline. Especially when the girl is a self-absorbed bully or the guy is a cheater and a-hole. (my friends, that's genuine love, that's ok. But if you can get them to stop complaining about their relationships and also recognize that I'm HURT that I'm not in one, so I can't really rejoice in their coupledom, can you run that by them?) Stop offering up these ridiculous guys who catcall or think they're being slick when they leer and flirt. If all they want is the ego boost, they need to look elsewhere, I'm through with that.

What happened? Is this for the 38 year old that I never went out with again? Or the 39 year old whom I didn't have anything in common with so I never called him back? The guy who asked me out because he lusts after everything in a skirt but didn't have any one real thing in common with me? Or because you really do like my ex's depressed, obsessive-compulsive psychopath of an ex-girlfriend better? Is this for the time I pushed my brother off the bed when he was 6? Or when we didn't talk to one of our friends for a month because we thought she was being arrogant? The times that I didn't give my spare change to the homeless for another crack rock? The shopping sprees? WHAT?!

You owe me. You owe me for all the times I bit my tongue, took the critique, watched as my exes cheated, flirted and generally neglected me. I have been a GOOD girl. I have been a GOOD woman. I have had patience, faith and fortitude. I have treated people fairly and with love. I've washed my dishes, bought birthday presents and baked cookies. I've taken classes, read books and seen lifecoaches. At least tell me what's wrong so I can fix it. You've put up this non-communication wall so that you hold all the cards and I'm helpless. I've tried your STUPID methods and all of them are SHITTY, so tell me what you need me to do because you're dumb.

I DESERVE a good man. The best, in fact, so deal with it and write it into your schedule. And it's about FUCKING time that you gave it up, because frankly I am about to take a machete to your kneecaps.

And I'm gonna go to Greece. You'd better make that happen too.
Me.

ps. Battle Royale, wtf? That was some seriously messed up shiznit.