DoucheCount

Thoughts on Last Night's Top Chef: Episode 4
Ryan is a douche.

People wake up, breakfast, they miss Erik-especially Manuel-who also misses his kids. yawn. Manuel is so diplomatic-it's almost like he's a robot. Spike thinks that being a lesbian on this challenge is an advantage; and eyes disrupting the fairly astute and considerate pairing of Zoi and Jen while still trying to hook up with Andrew. Douche.

Quickfire: knife skills with Daniel Boulud!

Ryan and Richard will not get extra consideration for previous work in Boulud's kitchen. Or at least, Ryan won't - cause he's douche. Apparently, Boulud's style was not, "to his taste." Uh, and he only worked there for a MONTH. What can you possibly learn in a month? Props to Boulud's memory though. Even Bayless said last week in an article about his TC experience, "Ryan is a douche."

I couldn't quite wrap my head around this challenge; was it supposed to be about knife skills or creating an actual edible dish? Most of the time, knife sknills are best showcased in garnish elements-but a lot of people were able to pull fairly creative dishes off-Zoi's poached egg
on a bed of veggies looked delicious-spa like. And I think Dale's win in this case, was incredibly well earned. He tournades an avocado, shaves radishes and blanches asparagus to create a fresh, creative looking vegan sashimi dish. The ice adds texture, keeps the veggies fresh and snappy and also acts as a structural element.

Witty Cooking tip: Always marinate your zucchini.

From Padma's blog: But it’s, let me put it to you this way: It’s very precise, and it’s somebody who’s after my own heart with that philosophy, so I’m with him on this. (ooh snap Rushdie, wife is being a douche)
“I have no doubt in my mind that the people we’re making this food for will culinarily crap in their pants.” Thanks for the visual, Andrew.

On to the elimination challenge. People separate into teams of two and have to create a dish inspired by their favorite movie. Hahha. Note that not only has Ryan only seen two movies in the last 3 years-but up against Mark's genuinely more indie and creative movie list ('To Kill
a Mockingbird') he FAILS. His favorite movie is 'Dumb and Dumber'?!? Douche. It is only by sheer luck that they come up with, 'A Christmas Story' and tie it into a successful scene and dish. But it is like playing charades with a deaf guy and a blind guy. Mark is all, "Are you retarded or just too full of yourself to notice I have no idea what you're talking about?" They end up creating quail (when Whole Foods is out of duck? how can you be out of duck? That's bizarre) two ways: breast atop carrot puree, cranberry chutney (nice) and quail thigh meat stuffed into a spring roll.

The rest of the players are as follow:

Antonia/Zoi: Talk to Her (Spanish influences, vibrant colors, strong women)Double lamb chop, romesco, gremolata (which Top Chef spells gremalata...what?) with cauliflower puree

Richard/Dale/Andrew: Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (imaginative, inspired, chocolate) Seared salmon-hand smoked with tapioca pearl caviar and white chocolate wasabi and a celery soda

Stephanie/Lisa: Top Secret (cow)
Seared NY strip, braised short rib and apple pot sticker with savory caramel sauce

Manuel/Spike: Good Morning Vietnam (Vietnamese food)

Chilean sea bass fresh spring roll with black vermicelli (wow, where do you get black vermicelli?)

Jen/Nikki: Il Postino (Italian food)

Tortellini stuffed with cavolo nero, pecorino.

If anything, I think this challenge just really shows how much these people don't think about a menu coherently. I agreed with Stephanie and Lisa-doing a dessert or last course blows-but this menu was all meat, meat and more meat. What if someone was a vegetarian? And lightness? I think an overall theme would have worked for the members better instead of branching off and creating separate dishes. Talk to Her - could have ended up a brillant soup or salad with pomegranate, endive and cilantro rolls. However, I think all the dishes looked and sounded strong and delicious; so maybe this really wasn't about teamwork as it was individual showmanship. Even though Lisa is really willful, I give it up to Stephanie for holding her ground and also contributing her ideas professionally and calmly. Their dish was one of the ones I wanted to grab out of the tv and shove in my mouth. Potsticker with braised shortrib and apple with savory caramel sounds soooo good. Lisa's explanation for the dish is balls though; "I love the cow scene in 'Top Secret!'?" What sort of justification is that? Why didn't they just do 'Ghandi' or something?

Spike forces Manuel to cook Vietnamese food cause it's what he does. Manny is still reeling from the complicated pronuciation dish he presented to Bayless so he concedes. But not on the fish issue-he wants to use high end and moist sea bass while Spike prefers the lower end, bony but trendy tilapia. Spike gives in, but not without some douch-ey comments.

Andrew as an Oompa Loompa: Douch-ey and also, proves he is still doing meth.

Dale: shooting pool at like 5am? In a lavender track jacket? Mocking Andrew? Funny and douch-ey

Nikki: WE KNOW YOU'RE ITALIAN!! Get over it girl. You're gonna be Pasta Patti if you keep it up.

Guests are Richard Roeper (who looks a little like the guy from 'Rocky Horror') and Aisha Tyler-who I love. She's so snarky and smart and pretty. Padma wears the TIGHTEST blue dress ever created from man or beast. It's like they skinned Mystique or something and made a dress out of her. Maybe Boulud = Blue. They eat.

While plating, Richard's little Go-go Gadget smoker dies (ooh, snap, no more cool smoky stuff for Richard) and they end up holding the fish over a piece of wood that they've lit on fire-that's pretty Mr. Miyagi of them. White chocolate and wasabi go quite well with the fish and together (Vosages trick) and also with their celery soda. Sexy ladies like carrot puree, men take note. Roeper also mocks the "experts" who are tearing into dishes. Son of a Douche. Colicchio Papa Bear, stays mum and eats more beef while Ted Allen jumps into the fray and asserts, "Yes, we ARE ripping them new ones. Where do YOU masticate cuisine Roeper? TGIFridays?! Whoops..."
Judging: They like Team Douche 1 (Fish and Chocolate) and Team Douche 2 (Quail = Duck) and Stephanie and Lisa. Spike and Zoi talk shit about the Richard/Dale/Andrew team when they are called in to the Winner's Circle chiding their flavor palate. Spike says, literally, that their flavors do not go together. Hahah! Douche. (I'm really starting to dislike Spike) Can I mention, though, that Richard has pink crocs which is douchiness added to douche. Fucking A man. A fauxhawk AND pink crocs? Just add Dale's headband and call it a day! Unfortunately, even though Spike is a bigger douche, it's Robomanuel who gets to go home to his kids. Bubye!

Next week: Dale and Zoi duke it out for top homochef-Jen kicks a chair in retaliation. Damn girl-you be pwhipped.

DoucheCount: Ryan = Douche (x6)Spike = Douche (x4)Andrew = Douche (x1)Richard = Douche (x2)